Self-Esteem

Summary

• Carry yourself with confidence.
• Gain more knowledge of your field.
• Find a mentor or role model.

Lack of confidence can spawn a self-fulfilling prophecy: If you believe you’re going to fail, you will fail. Success comes with confidence, and this can prove especially true at work. Only you have the ability to determine whether you meet your career goals. So if you think self-doubt is undermining your chances to excel, try these tips for building confidence at work:

Carry yourself with confidence. Stand up straight—don’t slouch—and hold your head high. Steady eye contact, a firm handshake and an easy smile also are hallmarks of self-confidence. Speak loudly enough so that people don’t have to strain to hear you. Even if you feel a little unsure of yourself, your body language will display control, and can even positively affect your own state of mind. If you want to improve your performance, consider signing up for a public speaking class.

Gain confidence through experience. You can’t become an expert in your field overnight. But you can speed up the process. Read as much background information as you can on your company and projects, and practice the skills you need on the job whenever you can. For example, if you need to know how to operate a certain computer software program quickly, check out a library book about it, watch online tutorials, or sign up for a class that might help. In the process, however, don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Rather than shy away from new tasks, learn by trial and error. That can be the best way to learn exactly how and why certain methods work.

Make the first move. Rather than letting fears about others’ opinions sap your confidence, approach them first. Don’t waste time wondering if your colleagues like and respect you. Ask them questions or strike up a chat when you have a couple minutes of free time—circulating will boost your confidence and keep you too busy to worry about yourself.

Break large tasks into manageable chunks. Don’t let the weight of a big job collapse your confidence. Make a list of smaller, individual tasks and set a timetable for their completion. Crossing them off your list will help provide motivation to finish the job.

Find a mentor or role model. Even if that person is a character in your favorite book, learn what makes her successful. Try to find ways to emulate that person’s best qualities and the strategies he used to get to the top. Listening also plays an important role in gaining experience. Have the patience to listen to others’ advice or tips, and try them out yourself.

Seek professional help. If you feel overwhelmed by your lack of confidence, or if your lack of confidence seriously affects your day-to-day functioning, you might want to talk to a mental health professional or even a career counselor. They can help you confront your fears and make progress toward your goals.

Most importantly, remember that it’s never too late to gain confidence. People don’t inherit confidence, they learn how to possess it.

By Kristen Knight

©2001-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: BBC Online, www.bbc.co.uk

Summary

• Kids need to fail and be frustrated to build resilience and self-esteem.
• It is important for kids to be independent to raise self-esteem.
• Parents need to talk to their kids about healthy ways to navigate social media.

Independent learning

Building self-esteem is an important part of growth. There are many ways to help kids build self-esteem, many of which relate to learning. In fact, kids need a lot of chances to learn new skills. The key, though, is letting them learn on their own. This process instills confidence. By the same token, it is important for kids to learn how to problem solve. This builds a sense of accomplishment. Kids who feel like they can overcome hurdles on their own feel good about themselves.

Letting kids fail

The learning process should also include the chance to fail. It is important for children to learn how to handle failure so that they can feel good about themselves even when things don’t go their way. Being able to tolerate frustration builds resilience. And this resilience is key to feeling good about themselves even if they make a mistake.

Parents can help kids when they falter by showing empathy. Let your kids know that their feelings are valid. Then help them by learning from the mistake or the experience rather than feeling badly about it.

Also, talk to them about having a growth mindset. This means that they embrace trying, failing, and learning. This is key because kids often feel pressure to get it right and perfect the first time, and then feel badly if they don’t. If the focus is on growing, they will be able to remind themselves that they can try and they will get the hang of it. 

Do boys and girls need different support?

Issues that challenge self-esteem can affect boys and girls alike. This said, each gender can face unique issues. For instance, boys may have a harder time sitting for a long time in school. Being shamed for this can turn kids off to learning. In turn, academic struggles can harm self-esteem. Parents can help by reinforcing good choices and praising good behavior.

For girls, today’s media landscape can be especially hard on body image. It seems that images of thin, airbrushed females are everywhere. It can be tough for girls to feel confident when they don’t think they match what the media presents as ideal. Parents can take these steps to help their girls build self-esteem:

• Be a good role model. Don’t label yourself as good or bad based on what you have eaten. Also, be sure not to talk about your appearance or size in front of kids.
• Teach media literacy. Talk to your daughter about how to see these images for what they are. Teach kids that they are not realistic and not a standard for what is healthy.
• Help girls find their voice. Talk to your daughter about using her voice to make her wishes known. Listen to her choices so she knows she is valued.

Impact of social media

The online world is a part of daily life for young people. It is an evolving platform for everything from school to fun. Yet with all of the benefits of technology, there too is risk. It is extra hard to navigate social media, often centered on feedback from others via comments and likes.

It is important to foster a sense of accomplishment from within rather than social media feedback. Teach your kids to decide on their own how they feel about themselves. This way, whether online or in person, any negative feedback carries less weight. And the most helpful thing you can do is support your kids no matter what. When kids have your support, self-esteem has a healthy breeding ground.

By Sarah Stone

©2018-2020 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Stop comparing yourself to others.
• Speak up for yourself.
• Help others.

Self-esteem is affected by early life experiences and is a blend of internal confidence and external achievements. Self-esteem is something anyone can increase and maintain at a higher level. Two key parts of self-esteem are self-image and self-talk. 

Self-image includes:

• What you think you look like physically—and acceptance of your physical traits
• What kind of person you think you are—your values and beliefs
• What you think others think of you—how your personality comes across
• What you believe your strengths and weaknesses are—your ability to have a true and objective view of yourself
• How much you like who you are—and how well you take care of yourself

How to improve your self-image

• Stop comparing yourself to others. When you do this, you are likely to compare yourself in an unhealthy way.
• Acknowledge your positive qualities. Make a list of your positive attributes. Include how you look, personality and skills. If you have trouble with this, ask others to help you. They’ll come up with things you might not see in yourself.
• Involve yourself in activities that you love. Follow the career path that is most rewarding to you. If you are not fully satisfied with your job but are not in a place to make changes right away in your career, you can still spend free time doing hobbies and activities that are fun and fulfilling.
• Build a positive personal support network. The people with whom you associate influence your self-image. Negative people can bring you down. On the other hand, when positive and supportive people surround you, you feel better about yourself.
• Speak up for yourself. Be assertive and practice clear communication. By learning how to be assertive and setting up healthy limits with others, you are sending the message that you value yourself and that you deserve to be treated with respect.
• Lighten up. Learn to laugh at yourself.
• Accept all compliments graciously. Don’t dismiss or brush off compliments or praise from others. When you do, it not only sends a message that you are not worthy of praise, but also that you don’t value the opinion of the person giving you the compliment.
• Take advantage of personal growth programs. Read books about personal growth; listen to inspirational podcasts; go to motivational workshops, lectures or classes; start an exercise program; or use a life coach or counselor for self-improvement.
• Stop criticizing yourself and others for every imperfection or shortcoming. Don’t beat yourself up for making mistakes. Instead, find ways to learn something useful from them and then move on. Use positive affirmations to reprogram your negative inner conversations.
• Help others. Help others feel good about themselves by giving them compliments or acknowledgements for accomplishments. Make a positive contribution to the lives of others through volunteer work or community service.

By Karen S. Dickason, L.C.S.W., C.E.A.P.

©2006-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Embrace all emotions.
• Live with imperfection.
• Practice gratitude.

Everyone feels unsure and vulnerable at times. At first thought, these emotions are viewed as weaknesses. Yet, research shows that there is a chance for growth when a person faces his insecurities and vulnerabilities. 

Signs of insecurity

A person who is insecure lacks faith in her own value and skills. She also lacks trust in herself and sometimes in others. Signs of insecurity include:

• Doubting abilities
• Living in fear of making a mistake or of failure
• Trying to keep everyone happy or to get their approval
• Being passive—not speaking up
• Being forceful—bullying or manipulating to try to control other people
• “Steamrolling” others—not listening or being willing to compromise
• Being indecisive
• Second-guessing yourself
• Procrastinating
• Letting others make choices and then complaining
• Having trouble making eye contact, slumping, fidgeting
• Collecting belongings or achievements to prove your worth
• Bragging or talking too much about yourself
• Comparing yourself to others and always feeling you fall short

To face insecurities, a person must be brave and willing to be vulnerable.

Understanding vulnerability

“Vulnerability is not weakness. It is the most accurate measure of courage,” says Brené Brown, researcher and author of Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. She defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.

Vulnerability is often linked to dark emotions such as fear, shame, grief, sadness and disappointment. The truth is vulnerability is at the core of all emotions. To feel is to be vulnerable. Willingness to face vulnerability makes possible the deep feelings:

• Love
• Belonging
• Empathy
• Accountability
• Authenticity
• Creativity
• Change

Avoiding harmful emotions

The wish to avoid feeling dark emotions is understandable. People often withdraw and try to numb harmful feelings with things like drugs, gambling, shopping, working, or eating. While these behaviors can cause a disconnect from harmful feelings, these “quick fixes” can lead to emotional and physical health issues and addiction. Overuse can result in weight gain, drug misuse, debt, and divorce.

Another less clear result is disconnection from good emotions too. Numbing of emotions is not selective: When emotions such as worry, fear and grief are numbed, a split also happens from good emotions such as joy, gratitude and happiness. A person can be left feeling sad, lonely and empty. Embracing all emotions, without withdrawing or self-medicating, lets a person live more fully—“wholeheartedly.”

“Wholehearted” living

Brown says wholehearted people embrace vulnerability and believe that it is not comfortable but basic and necessary. People who are wholehearted have a strong sense of love and belonging, and believe they are worthy. Wholehearted people have:

• Courage to not be perfect, to feel their feelings, and to be “seen”
• Compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others
• Connection by letting go of who they think they should be and being who they are

How to become more wholehearted

1. Embrace all emotions, even the “messy” ones. Do a personal check. Ask yourself: “Am I avoiding emotions by eating too much, staying too busy, shopping, drinking or using drugs?” Being able to notice feelings and talk about them with a trusted friend or counselor can bring comfort from worry, fears and disappointment, among others.
2. Live with imperfection. Know that mistakes, suffering and failure are part of a shared human experience. Change any harmful self-talk to that of a good coach. Name things to make better and set realistic goals for change.
3. Put yourself out there. Love with your whole heart, even if there are no promises. Share your ideas. Speak up for what you believe. Be there for someone else. Listen, be real and empathize.
4. Practice gratitude. Happiness is tied to circumstances while true joy comes from practicing gratitude. A person can find joy in normal moments of routine life. Count blessings each day—thought of in your mind, spoken to a loved one or friend or written in a journal—any method works.

Embracing emotions, facing shortcomings, living without guarantees, and having an attitude of gratitude can lead to growth. It can also lead to a life with deeper meaning, connection, and joy.

By Kris Hooks, MEd, LPC, LMFT, CEAP

©2013-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Bren￩ Brown. Penguin Group, 2012.

You know that no one is perfect, that “to err is human.” Are you able to forgive yourself when you make mistakes and even learn from your failures? Taking time to figure out what went wrong gives you insight into your strengths and weaknesses, leads to creative solutions, and boosts your confidence that you’ll do better next time.

Check your attitude

The first step in learning from a mistake is to put aside your anger or hurt and to see failure as an opportunity for growth. Try not to judge yourself or others harshly when things go wrong, and practice the following:

• Take responsibility for your mistakes. Avoid the impulse to gloss over a mistake or pretend it never happened. Apologize to anyone affected by your error. Talking openly about your failures strengthens relationships and shows others that you are responsible and care about doing a good job.
• Avoid blaming others. Although it’s natural to look for someone else to blame for a mistake, accusing others seldom leads to the kind of insight that brings growth. Even if others did play a role, consider what you might have done to help prevent the error. 
• Focus on the facts. Try not to add to your discomfort after a mistake by imagining that others are thinking poorly of you. This can also get in the way of learning. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and that others will most likely either not judge you, or will forgive and forget much faster than you forgive yourself.

Reflect and learn

Like a student going over an incorrect answer on a test, figuring out what went wrong will lead you to the right choices next time or a better way of solving the problem.  

• Talk with others about what happened. Sometimes you can be too close to a situation to see it clearly. Talking with others can help you see it from all sides and remember important details that may have led to the mistake.
• Work backward. Trace the steps that may have led to the mistake or failure. If you left home without your wallet, figure out why you forgot to put it in your pocket. Were you rushing to leave the house because you didn’t set your alarm clock and you overslept? Now you know to check that your alarm is set every night before you go to bed.
• Get others on board with devising a solution. If you realize more than one person is contributing to the problem, get all responsible parties involved in hashing out a solution. When you talk with others, avoid blaming or criticizing them. If your partner forgot to tell you about an important event and, as a result, you had to cancel plans, sit down together to work out a system to keep one another better informed in the future. Emphasize that a mutually agreed upon solution will help everyone in the family, not just you.

Mistakes and failures are valuable teachers. Embrace the fact that every now and then, things will not work out perfectly.

By Sharron Luttrell, Military OneSource. Used with permission.

Summary

• Become a self-deception detective.
• Identify your life purpose, values, and goals.
• Be aware of your self-talk.

Have you ever ignored the truth or realities about yourself? Most people deny or rationalize their flaws or weaknesses; they “fool themselves” at least some of the time. Engaging in forms of self-deception, according to psychologists, is a natural human tendency that may result in consequences that run the gamut from helpful to harmful.

What is self-deception?

Self-deception helps a person cover up shortcomings and is a coping strategy for negative, uncomfortable emotions. It is a way of thinking that allows a person to justify false beliefs about himself and others.

No one is immune from self-deception and most of the time we are unaware that we are engaged in it. There is no one personality type that is more vulnerable; all are equally susceptible, especially in the face of fear, worry, or feeling like a failure.

A little bit of self-deception can help a person have confidence to take a risk and be more assertive. At the other extreme, too much self-deception can cause someone to be out of touch with reality and live in denial. Lying to yourself can aid skewed perceptions, a resistance to change, misunderstandings, and a “victim” mindset. It can have physical and emotional consequences.

Recognizing self-deception

Areas where we try to deceive ourselves include:

• Money: If you believe your success in life is measured by your material belongings, you may be setting yourself up for living above your means and racking up debt.
• Relationships: If you look to someone else to bring you happiness, you are engaging in unhealthy self-deception and not taking responsibility for your own feelings. 
• Work: While work can be a great source of satisfaction, defining yourself only by what you do is dangerous. You shortchange the other aspects of life—relationships, community involvement, self-care, to name a few—for the sake of work.
• Body image: Believing that you have to look a certain way to be happy is a trap for dissatisfaction.

Positives from self-deception

Slightly overrating ourselves at some times can be healthy. If you believe in what you can do—maybe even slightly inflating your own view of your strengths—you may appear more confident and be in a better position to influence others. To move from reality to a place of influence can build resilience. A small degree of self-deception can ease some stress, build optimism, and enhance the ability to get along better in relationships.

Harmful effects of deceiving yourself

However, self-deception can also be the breeding ground for failure, missed opportunities, unhappiness, loneliness, and depression. Real living, true desires and genuine communication are masked behind deception. Making excuses, blaming others, being resistant and negative, feeing inferior or superior, people-pleasing/approval seeking, bullying, withdrawing, living in the past … these can become harmful patterns, robbing a person of reaching her full potential and being truly happy.

Live authentically

You can overcome the need to engage in self-deception and live a more authentic life. These tips will help:

1. Become a self-deception detective. Stop, take a deep breath and ask yourself if you are wandering through life with little direction or satisfaction. Are you looking externally to find happiness and meaning? What faulty messages are you holding onto about money, work, relationships, health, self-worth? What you are afraid of? What is holding you back?
2. Identify your life purpose, values, and goals. Write your own obituary, or a toast at your 80th birthday or 50th wedding anniversary. What do you value and how are those values being lived in your daily life? Set small goals that move you in the direction of your bigger goals and values. 
3. Be aware of your self-talk. Are you blocking your potential? Check out your thoughts when you first wake up. Are they supportive, encouraging, positive? Become your own best coach, not a critic.
4. Get in touch with your passions. The interests, hobbies, and passions you had as a child or teen might be gateways to activities you could cultivate today.
5. Honor your strengths. What are your positive traits or special talents? List at least three. If you get stuck, ask those closest to you to help. Find ways to express yourself through these strengths.
6. Stand up. The first step in learning to be assertive is to identify your own perceptions and opinions. Expressing yourself directly and respectfully is a big step in being true to yourself.
7.  Simplify. If you find you have too many belongings or not enough time for things important to you, it is time to take inventory and make changes.
8. Take time to play. Give yourself time to recharge by doing things that you love.
9. Seek help if you feel stuck. Professional, private help is available by calling the number on this site.

Finding the courage to be who you really are helps you realize your potential and, consequently, find fulfillment and peace. Finding your authentic self takes honesty, awareness, consistent effort, and time.

By Kris Hooks, M.Ed., LPC, LMFT, CEAP

©2013-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

The expression “pay it forward” is a common one, but what does it mean? And does it really work? If you want to make a positive change in your life it just might be this simple−think about what would make you smile, and then do that very thing for someone else.

Right where you need to be

You are most likely right where you need to be in order to help others and yourself. Take a look at those in your immediate circle: family, co-workers, neighbors, and friends. Pay attention to what they need and how you can make their life a little brighter. Make the time to help your elderly neighbors take shopping bags into their house. Offer to bring in a coffee for a co-worker who is having a rough time. Reach out to your mom and tell her you love her.

Most people—just like you—want to be reassured in life. You can extend small amounts of kindness to strangers by slowing down at a crosswalk, opening the door to a building or just saying hello. As simple as these gestures sound, it shows people that they matter. It might be just enough to change the course of someone’s day. And that someone could be you. It feels good to hear a “thank you” or a “hello” back.

A little gratitude goes a long way

Depending on your interests, you might have people you have looked up to over the years. This could be a favorite teacher or writer, your high school coach, or a local shop owner. People love to hear how they have touched others’ lives. There are so many ways to contact people. Reach out to them via social media, regular mail, a phone call, or an in-person visit, just to let them know how much their influence has meant to you. Think about how great it would feel to get a handwritten note or invitation to lunch from someone you influenced in the past.

Volunteers wanted

If you are interested in donating your time, there are charities all around you that would gladly take your help. Check VolunteerMatch for a list of interesting ideas. Even if you can’t donate your time, you can give to organizations that take clothing and household items to promote charities like animal welfare and independence for those with disabilities. If you are getting a new piece of furniture or your child has outgrown her tricycle, find another local family who could use it. Websites like Freecycle can help you to find people within your community. You can also reach out to your local schools, churches, non-profit thrift stores, and civic league.

Don’t forget about you

Remember to treat yourself, too. A little self-compassion can go a long way. Make note of negative thoughts and feelings that you internalize and let them go. Accept that you are flawed, like all humans. It’s OK to make mistakes. Smile at yourself in the mirror and treat yourself like you would like to be treated by others. You can test how self-compassionate you are through this quiz.

Sometimes it’s hard to find the time or energy to make a positive change. But there are many small strides you can make to pay it forward to friends, family, your community and even yourself. Letting your positivity radiate throughout your daily life will enrich your being. Let yourself shine.

By Andrea Rizzo, MFA

©2015-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Step outside your comfort zone to get out of a rut.
• Try new physical, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual activities.

Comfort isn’t always good. It can lull us into complacency, deaden our senses, and leave us feeling bored and unhappy. For example, we may get so used to air conditioning that we refuse to venture outdoors for a significant portion of the year. Or we may become so accustomed to traveling the same route to work that we drive on automatic pilot. As a result, our world becomes smaller.

New experiences, on the other hand, can be invigorating. If you’re feeling stuck in a rut, it may be time to stretch your comfort zone and take some calculated risks—risks for which the potential benefits outweigh the potential costs. Calculated risk may be as daring as sky diving or as mundane as asking someone new out to lunch. The point is to expand your boundaries and, thus, your possibilities.

Tips about risk taking

Stepping outside our comfort zones forces us to live in the present. When we put ourselves in a new situation, we must pay attention. For example, if you’re scrambling up a rocky trail with a 50-foot drop to the side, you can’t be thinking of a project due next week or a vacation you’re planning next year—you must deal with the moment. You must feel the grip of your fingers on the rock and think carefully about how you place your feet.

• A little bit of fear can be good. It can leave you feeling alive and hopeful.
• Katharine Hepburn once said: “There’s nothing more important in life than overcoming fear. People who never learn how to do that grow up soggy.”

Taking a risk, whether physical, intellectual, emotional, or spiritual, forces us into the unknown, and that’s where discovery happens. Say, for example, you decide to hike up a mountain. You’re expecting the view at the top to be the reward. Along the way, however, you turn a corner and stumble upon another hiker who has twisted an ankle, and you are the one to offer him a cell phone, a kind word, or a drink of water. The discovery—or the reward—may be that you made a new friend or found yourself to be competent in a crisis.

• Often our most important moments and insights come from the unexpected. Welcome such moments; seek them out.

When taking a risk, be prepared for the initial shock and discomfort. When you put yourself in a different environment—on a mountain or at a party with new people—your mind and body will take time to adjust. For example, when you first start hiking up a hill, it takes a while for your body to get used to the slant and the extra exertion. Once your body finds a rhythm, you will start to relax. The same holds true for any new situation—a new class, a new friend, a new job. The first moments will be awkward, but trust that you will adapt.

• Accept that there will be moments when you feel afraid, uncomfortable, or incompetent, and do it anyway.
• Give yourself room for trial and error. Give yourself permission to fail.  

Activities to stretch your comfort zone

Don’t be afraid to start small. You may try 10 things and find you hate nine of them. That’s OK. It’s the process, the discovery, the self-knowledge that leads to growth. Whatever risk you choose, prepare for it, commit to it, and then complete it. Afterward, assess the situation. Whether you’ve failed or succeeded, congratulate yourself for taking the chance. Consider trying some of the following activities.

Physical:

• Rock climbing
• Kayaking
• Hiking
• Any endurance sport—running, cycling
• Any outdoor adventure (try a guided outing) 

Emotional:

• Tell the truth.
• Ask for what you want.
• Say “no” to things you don’t want to do and “yes” to things you do want.
• Move to your dream location.
• Go to a party/event alone. 

Intellectual: 

• Read a different type of book or see a different type of movie.
• Learn about something that intimidates you—for example, the stock market or algebra.
• Try out for a community theater production.
• Write a short story.
• Hire a life coach. 

Spiritual:

• Experiment with meditation or prayer.
• Go on a retreat.
• Learn about another religion or philosophy.
• Be silent. 

Some activities, such as travel, may involve all four elements. 

Remember, as with so many things in life, taking calculated risks is a balancing act. You should be open to risk, but you still need to listen to your inner voice. If you know you hate roller coasters, then riding one won’t do anything for you. Listen to your body. If you’re running and feel more than the usual strain, then stop. Don’t try risk for the sake of risk. Make sure the risk you choose stands a better chance of enhancing your life than harming it.

By Amy Fries

©2005-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: The Comfort Trap (or, What If You’re Riding a Dead Horse?) by Judith Sills, PhD. Penguin Books, 2004; Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan J. Jeffers. Fawcett Book Group, 1988; Right Risk: 10 Powerful Principles for Taking Giant Leaps With Your Life by Bill Treasurer. Berrett-Koehler Publishers Inc., 2003.

Want to build a better you? Being kind to others can make you feel great. But being kind and gracious to yourself is something that no one can do better than, well, you. It’s called self-compassion.

The practice of self-compassion is developed in the same way as caring for others. The term compassion means to “suffer with,” so it’s essentially having empathy for yourself. The concept is to be as forgiving with yourself as you would be to others.

Elements of self-compassion

There are three important areas of focus:

1. Self-kindness. This is the concept of expecting that you will make mistakes. When those mistakes come, it’s acknowledging them, brushing yourself off and moving on.
2. Common humanity. It’s knowing that you are human and by definition, you are not perfect. But more than that; you are not alone in this imperfection.  
3. Mindfulness. The state of mindfulness is being aware of what is going on in the present moment. You are receptive to all feelings—good and bad—and try to be nonjudgmental about them. This state allows yourself to see whatever the issue is as a bigger picture.

Curious about how self-compassionate you are? You can take a quiz  This will help you see how many of the elements above are already incorporated within your own life.

Ways to build in more self-compassion

Now that you are more aware of how self-compassionate you are or are not, what can you do to make it more so? Luckily, there are some very easy and pleasurable exercises to help.

Do unto yourself as you would do unto others. Sometimes it feels easier to have compassion for others. Switch this way of thinking around and turn a kind eye on yourself.

Take a mindfulness break. Acknowledge what you are feeling in the moment and recognize that you are not alone in feeling this way. Others have been there too. Think about what someone else could say to you to help you feel better, and say it to yourself.

This can be done by thinking about what a loved one or friend would say to make you feel better—even if they are no longer in your life. What wise words would your grandfather say? Or how would your easy-going best friend from high school respond to your situation? You can also keep a self-compassion journal to keep track of your feelings, good and bad.

No more negative self-talk. Whether you are speaking out loud or internally to yourself, make sure that your voice is full of love, caring and positivity. We tend to internalize our inner dialogue and make that script happen. If you change it to a positive outcome, you are more likely to experience that within your day-to-day life. You can also think about how those encouraging people in your life—past or present—have made you feel better over time and try and adopt that voice.

Try and identify what you want out of life and make it happen through love rather than fear. Again, how has a mentor or friend helped motivate you in the past?

And finally, take good care of others and you. It’s not realistic to go through life without some kind of caregiving to children, aging parents or even a chronically ill partner or friend. But make sure to take the time to assure yourself that you are there for you, and that you can get through this stressful period, whatever it might be.

Remember to love and care for yourself. You are your own best advocate and know exactly what is needed for the best you. Trust in your own resources to be able to better find that balance.

Resource

Self-Compassion
 

By Andrea Rizzo, MFA

©2015-2022 Carelon Behavioral Health

Social pressure—the influence of others on your opinions and choices—can affect you at any age, not just your teen years. It’s human nature to measure your life against someone else’s and make changes to fit in.

Even when fitting in isn’t the motivation, social pressure can change you in subtle, harmless ways. Think of a new fashion trend or car model that you didn’t like at first. What you once found unappealing or odd might have grown on you until you either accepted it as mainstream or actually liked it.

While it isn’t realistic to avoid all social pressure, it’s important to know whether the influence is positive or negative.

Positive social pressure

Being around people who are good role models can help you improve your behavior. Examples include:

• Working out more often and eating healthier foods because your spouse has taken steps to become more fit
• Helping others by joining co-workers to volunteer for a nonprofit
• Quitting smoking because it seems socially unacceptable in your community or made difficult to do publicly

Negative social pressure

The need to fit in may cause you to do things that go against your better judgment, such as:  

• Joining your friends for another round of drinks at the bar even though you’re already tipsy
• Paying extra for a popular brand name when you can get a similar item of the same quality for much less
• Staying silent or joining in when co-workers complain about your boss, even though you like and respect your boss

Questions to ask yourself

Although social pressure is often harmless, it’s still helpful to look at what’s behind your decisions. Before you do or buy something, ask yourself where the desire came from. The following questions may help you figure out whether you are following your own heart or simply following the crowd:

• Would I do this if I were the only one? For example, if you’re thinking of piercing your nose, would you still want to do it if no one else had a pierced nose?
• Would my life be better with it? Will that expensive watch like the one your neighbor wears make you happier?
• Can I afford to pay for it without taking out a loan or having to cut back elsewhere in my budget?
• Can I change my mind afterward, or will it be too late? Some things can’t be undone.

Avoiding negative social pressure

Being aware of negative social pressure is the first step in warding it off. But sometimes it’s not enough. Here are some ways to help you stick to your own values and beliefs:

• Don’t offer excuses when you say ‘no.’ For example, if you refuse a slice of cake by explaining that you’re watching your sugar intake, the person with the cake may try to convince you that one piece won’t hurt. A firm and simple ‘no’ should make it clear that your decision is not open to debate.
• Get a buddy. Find someone who feels the same way you do and make a pact to stand your ground.
• Spend time with people whose values you admire. Let social pressure work to your advantage by choosing to be around people whose habits you would like to adopt as your own.

By Sharron Luttrell, Military OneSource

Summary

• Learn from it.
• Don’t take it personally.
• Don’t overanalyze it.
• Distract yourself.

No one likes it, but you can’t get through life without experiencing some amount of rejection.

The first experiences are particularly painful. In fact, scientists have determined that the brain responds to rejection as if it were real physical pain. That’s why we often feel “crushed” or “heavy hearted” afterward. This response most likely develops as a survival mechanism. As a social species, humans need each other, which is why rejection can cut to the core—to our very sense of self-worth.

The good news is that we can develop coping skills to lessen the sting. If we can’t control the incident, we can at least control our response to it.

Taking risks is part of life

If you’ve recently been rejected, either personally or professionally, congratulate yourself. Why? Because you’re out there playing the game, you’re taking risks and living life. Some people become so afraid of rejection that they become emotionally paralyzed. If you don’t try, you’ll never succeed.

Know, however, that the riskier your ambitions, the more you’ll be rejected. Artists, writers, athletes, entrepreneurs—all those pursuing tough competitive fields—know that rejection is part of the process.

Build up immunity to it

Tell yourself that the rejection didn’t kill you—you’re here to fight or love another day. Here are some coping suggestions:

• Learn from the rejection. If possible, find out why you were turned down. You may gain insight needed to sharpen your skills for the next time around.
• Don’t take it personally. More than likely, the rejection has nothing to do with you or your talents. Every person and organization has differing needs, and maybe you weren’t the best fit at this time. Or maybe the person who rejected you was having a bad day or has bad taste.
• Resist the urge to overanalyze. You need to recognize the hurt but not wallow in it. When it comes to rejection, a little bit of blocking, detaching, and rationalizing can go a long way to cushion the blow. Positive people can separate from life’s let-downs, while those who tend toward depression spend too much time dwelling on the negative. 
• Recognize that rejection can be a great motivator. Learn to take slights and turn them into fuel for victories. But don’t fall into the revenge trap. Chronic anger depletes energy and deflects you from your goals. So go ahead and write a nasty letter to the offending party, but then put it in the proverbial freezer. When you read it later, you’ll be thankful you didn’t send it.
• Know your strengths and weaknesses and be prepared to adapt. If you find that you’re consistently striking out with similar people or jobs, you might want to re-evaluate strategies and goals. Don’t give up your dreams, but look for realistic ways to fulfill them.
• Distract yourself with positive activities. This is no time to crawl into a hole. Though you might start with instant gratification diversions—like eating a pint of ice cream—try to factor in activities that offer more long-term benefits. Some suggestions include:
• Call friends and relatives for support.
• Get out of the house. Go for a walk or take a long dreamed of vacation.
• Laugh even if you have to fake it. Laughter has tremendous therapeutic value.
• Exercise. Work up a sweat. Get those pain-killing endorphins flowing.
• Set small goals that have nothing to do with the source of rejection—sign up for an art course or attend a motivational lecture.
• Let nature soothe your soul. A day in the mountains or on a lake can help put your temporary setback into perspective.
• Volunteer—give to someone who needs love/attention/support more than you.

If you’ve gone through a particularly serious rejection, recognize that you’ll go through the stages of grief: denial (shock), anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. You may find that counseling helps.

Remember, we learn from suffering and value that which is hard won. At the very least, experiencing rejection can make us more compassionate and humble people.

By Amy Fries

©2005-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: “Coping with a Job Loss” by Robin Ryan, 2003; “Rebounding After a Rejection” by Jacqueline Fitzgerald, Chicago Tribune, July 9, 2003; “Rejection Protection” by Melissa Ezarik, Current Health, February 2001; “Rejection Really Hurts,” University of California—Los Angeles, public release, Oct. 9, 2003; “The Sadness and Pain of Rejection,” Harvard Mental Health Letter, June 2004; “Strategies for Coping with Rejection,” University of Denver, Jamey Collins, LCSW, www.du.edu, Jan. 13, 2004.

Self-talk is the voice inside your head that judges your every move. Sometimes it brings you down. But it also has the power to lift your mood.

What does your self-talk sound like? Is it full of negative messages that cause you to feel a few of these feelings regularly?

• Anxiety
• Guilt
• Insecurity/self-loathing
• Bitterness
• Frustration
• Despair

The list is endless, isn’t it? We’re designed to feel a range of feelings, pleasant as well as uncomfortable ones. It’s part of being human. But have you ever wondered whether you might be able to experience less misery and claim more peace in your life? Perhaps you can.

What feeds the self-talk?

The way you talk to yourself has been fed over the years by:

• Your parents or guardians
• Your other family members
• Authority figures in your life
• Your peers
• The media and your culture
• Your circumstances, good or bad
• Your own responses to all of the above

Self-talk is also influenced by:

• Your mood
• Your health
• Sleep, nutrition, exercise, etc.

What’s playing right now?

Are you ready to take a close look at your self-talk? Don’t try to change it, just listen to what you say to yourself throughout the day. Sometimes it takes a negative emotion to help us catch the voice more easily. Are you feeling anxious? See if you are thinking, “What if this terrible thing happens?” or “I know something catastrophic will happen to me.” It’s hard to relax with those thoughts lurking about.

Spend a few minutes writing down your thoughts when you feel miserable.

Changing self-talk

Now that you have some sense of your negative self-talk, what should you do about it? First, remind yourself that thoughts happen. Good ones, boring ones, odd ones, you name it. Don’t try to control every thought you have. Just tell yourself that thinking it doesn’t make it true. Everyone’s thoughts are full of errors, untruths, distortions, misperceptions, etc.

Accept that a low mood generates negative thinking. Neither the mood nor the thinking has to be taken seriously. You can also try these ideas:

• Talk to the negative voice (out loud or in your head). Tell it to stop.
• Tone down the message. If you think in extreme terms such as “always” or “never,” try changing the message to “sometimes.” 
• Keep a journal. Write dialogue between your negative self-talk and someone who loves you. For example, “You sounded ridiculous talking to that person,” could be countered with “Relax. That person might have been just as concerned about how they sounded to you.” Record all the good things that happen to you.
• Feed yourself positive self-talk. Expose yourself to uplifting people, books and environments. Try out a few positive messages now and then, such as “It’s OK to have flaws,” or “I have so much to be thankful for.”
• Laugh at the negative voice, if possible. Picture your worries as a naughty child and shoo them into a corner for “time out.” They can’t come back until they’re ready to behave.
• Practice relaxation: use deep breathing techniques, stretches, warm baths or other healthy ways to relax.and ease the tension that can bring about troublesome thoughts.
• Ask for proof. Ask yourself, “Where is the proof that these negative thoughts are true?”

Getting started

Does it all sound too complicated or overwhelming? That’s your self-talk saying “I can’t change” or “I’m beyond hope and could never see myself differently.” Remember to begin by getting to know your self-talk. No pressure to change, just try to acknowledge that you think a few self-defeating thoughts now and then. If you then can accept that not every negative belief you have about yourself and others is true, you are ready to grow into a new level of peace and emotional maturity. 

By Laurie M. Stewart

©2003-2022 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

Not only does volunteering give you a personal sense of satisfaction, it helps develop self-esteem and boosts energy levels.

If you’re a volunteer, you probably have one or two personal reasons for why you do it. Maybe you want to give back to your community, support a cause you feel strongly about, or meet people who share your interests and values. Maybe you just do it for fun.

Whatever your reason, while you’re busy dedicating your time to helping others, you are benefiting, too.

Research has shown that volunteering provides individual health benefits. Those who volunteer have lower mortality rates and lower rates of depression later in life.

Researchers aren’t exactly sure why volunteering is so beneficial, but they think it may be because it provides meaning and purpose in people’s lives. Not only does volunteering give someone a personal sense of satisfaction, it helps develop self-esteem and boosts energy levels. Consider these findings from research over the years:

• Older volunteers are most likely to receive greater health benefits from volunteering.
• Volunteering leads to greater life satisfaction and lower rates of depression.
• Individuals who volunteer live longer.

Finding what’s right for you

Think volunteering sounds like too much work? The great thing about it is that it can be fun—there are thousands of options to choose from. Consider volunteering with a friend or family member. Think of your skills, what you enjoy and what’s important to you. If you’re not outgoing and the idea of serving soup at a homeless shelter or organizing a social event for your church makes you nervous, consider helping someone learn to read. If you love kids, look into the Special Olympics. If you’re not the athletic type, spend time visiting residents of a nursing home. There’s something for everyone.

Volunteer resources

There are many organizations that need volunteers. The resources below can help you get started.

Resources

American Red Cross

AmeriCorps

Citizen Corps Council

Community Emergency Response Teams

Easter Seals Society

Habitat for Humanity

United Way

VolunteerMatch

Volunteer.gov

By Melanie O’Brien

©2013-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Reserve time for soul-searching and reflection.
• A statement of ideals and priorities, of meaning and purpose.
• Ongoing reminder of the life you want to lead.

Many businesses create corporate mission statements that clearly express the organization’s values and goals. These declarations may be useful at the office, but many people also have benefited from writing personal mission statements. Since a personal mission statement is unique to you, there is no formula. If, however, you are feeling uncertain about your relationships, career, values or goals, then writing a personal mission statement may be the best way to clarify your beliefs and direction.  

Take time to reflect

You probably won’t sit down and write your statement in an afternoon. The process of discovering your personal mission is as important as the statement itself. Try to reserve some time for soul-searching and reflection. A personal mission statement usually is a statement of ideals and priorities, of meaning and purpose. This may seem like a tall order, but you probably already know what’s most important to you.

A personal mission statement can serve as an ongoing reminder of the life you want to lead. Your statement may help you make difficult decisions and serve as a guide in the future. Though every personal mission statement is different, here are some suggestions for getting started:

• Find some peace and quiet. Don’t try to create your personal mission statement when you’re busy and distracted. You’ll probably need some privacy, as well as time for reflection. Ignore the phone, turn off the television and shut the door before you start writing.
• Ask questions. How should you begin? Don’t feel overwhelmed; get started by asking yourself a few questions. Your statement may include a description of the kind of person you want to be, so think about the qualities you admire most in others. What are your greatest strengths? What aspects of your character would you like to change? What do you consider your guiding moral principles?

Know your priorities

A personal mission statement also may describe your individual priorities. Which relationships do you value most? What activities give you the greatest satisfaction? How do you define “success”? Your answers to these questions may reveal a need to change your present situation or redirect your future.

• Consider your values. Give some thought to the particular values that you consider most important. Whether you treasure honesty, compassion, physical health, family or education, make a list of your top 3 values. Brainstorm 3 ways to reaffirm your commitment to each. If you value education, for instance, train as a literacy volunteer or donate old books to a senior citizen’s home.  Look for concrete opportunities to live your mission.
• Revise and rewrite. You will probably need to revise your mission statement several times. Carry a draft with you and make changes. Don’t stop rewriting until your statement describes the best that exists within you and the best that you hope to become. Take your time and enjoy the process!

By Lauren Greenwood

©2000-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Success Networks, www.successnet.org; Franklin Covey: Tools for Highly Effective Living, www.franklincovey.com