Managing Emotions

What are you thankful for? Gratitude is vital to a happy life.  It is good for your body, your mind and your relationships. Studies show that some of the benefits of an attitude of gratitude are:

Physical:

• Improved sleep
• Lower blood pressure
• Stronger immune system

Psychological:

• More joy, happiness and pleasure
• Increased ability to deal with stress
• A sense of meaning and purpose

Social:

• Feel less lonely and isolated
• Enhanced ability to forgive and to feel helpful, generous and compassionate
• Others want to spend time with you because you are a pleasure to be with.

Feeling grateful does not mean you ignore the negative parts of life; it means you find the good in life despite obstacles and challenges. With practice, feeling grateful can become a habit.

Learn to be more grateful

There are easy and effective steps you can take in order to learn to adopt an attitude of gratitude:

• Keep a gratitude journal—write down three things you are grateful for daily.
• Make a gratitude visit by writing and delivering a letter of gratitude to a friend or family member.
• Intentionally look for positive outcomes.
• Say “thank you”.
• Smile.
• Find humor in unlikely places.
• Think about a difficult time in your life and how you moved through it.
• Not everything is personal. Look for the big picture and consider that whatever is going on may not have anything to do with you.
• Think about what is going right in your life.
• Be a student of life. Failure can be a wonderful growth and learning opportunity.

By Liz Gray, Military OneSource

Summary

• Know the “dangerous times.”
• Plan discipline routines ahead of time.
• Don’t touch your child when you’re angry.
• Understand where anger comes from.

No matter how good a parent you are, chances are that from time to time you get angry with your child. Anger is a very human response to the many stresses of parenthood. A human response, but sometimes a harmful one. It can and should be managed.

The best way to stop your anger is to prevent it before it happens. Here are some ways to keep anger out of your home:

• Watch for the “dangerous” times. When are you most likely to get annoyed? In the morning when you’re tired or after work when you’re stressed? Know when your patience will be at its lowest, and avoid stressful interactions with your child.
• Keep your stress level down. Use relaxation exercises, meditation, music—anything to relax you. When you feel the tension building, take care of yourself right away.
• Let your child know when you’re feeling stressed or grumpy. Your child will learn that these are times to give you a little extra space.
• Avoid potential disasters when possible. For example, don’t allow your child on the new white rug with red juice if you know that a spill will make you furious.
• Plan discipline routines ahead of time so discipline is not based on spur-of-the-moment anger.
• Make sure your child knows exactly what’s expected of him and exactly what will happen if he breaks the rules. Less confusion leads to less tension for everyone.

No matter how well you plan, though, there may come a time when you boil over. What should you do?

• Don’t touch your child when you’re angry. Adrenaline has blocked your reason and strengthened your muscles … a dangerous combination.
• Don’t say too much when you’re angry. A bitter rebuke can hurt your child as much as a strike from your hand.
• Take a time-out. Go somewhere safe to calm down or do something to help you calm down. Read, use your relaxation techniques, listen to music or go for a walk. Deal with the problem when your blood pressure comes back down.
• Listen. Did you really hear what your child said or is anger clogging your ears? It may be more a case of misunderstanding than of misbehaving.
• Get support. Have a friend or family member on standby—someone you can call to talk things through. If you’re especially overwhelmed or if that person is not around, call a hotline.

Another way to manage your anger is to understand where it comes from. Anger at our children often comes from an odd misunderstanding. When our child does something to aggravate us—talks back, spills on the furniture, etc.—something interesting happens in our minds. The child is simply trying to express a basic need (“I’m tired and hungry”), but in the heat of the screaming, we hear a deliberate attack (“This child is trying to ruin my afternoon!”). Feeling we’ve been wronged, we get defensive and angry.

Learn to hear the child’s need instead of the attack, and you’ll be able to focus your energy on positive solutions, rather than angry, defensive reactions.

Parental anger, though understandable, is not productive for anyone if left unmanaged. It causes added stress and high blood pressure. Children get hurt emotionally and perhaps physically. Family bonds are torn apart. All this, and anger never solves the original problem. Keeping anger in its proper place takes work, but it’s well worth the effort.

By James Rea

©2000-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within (second edition) by Matthew McKay, Peter D. Rogers and Judith McKay. New Harbinger Publications, 2003.

Everything is fine and you feel content. Then suddenly your mood shifts—you feel tense, out of sorts, a bit down. What happened? Is it hunger? Are you tired?

Maybe it’s the people you’re with. Their mood might have influenced yours without you even knowing it.

Wired to read and mimic others’ emotions

We were born to mimic others. We mirror facial expressions, postures, and sounds. This helps us identify our own emotions. Even as a toddler, you knew Mom’s angry face, Dad’s worried voice, Nanny’s sad posture, etc.

We imitate others even as adults. If you’re with someone who is angry, you might frown or clench your fists. Your mood may react to these physical cues and you feel angry, too. Try this experiment: Hold a smile for a few seconds. Does your mood lift? You know the smile is faked, but your brain chemistry may not.

Coping with mood contagion

Some people are more sensitive to other people’s moods. Don’t worry if that describes you. Any mood you catch is sure to pass. That tension you feel after a meeting with an uptight client will fade as you go on with your day. Just be aware that someone else’s mood might be affecting yours. Often, that’s all you need to know to feel better.

When your mood drops and you suspect it’s who you’re with, try the following suggestions:

• Relax any tight muscles you notice.
• Let your face muscles go slack, then smile, if it won’t offend the other person.
• Notice your voice tone—try to soften it if needed.
• Focus on your breathing—shift to slow, deep breaths.
• Remind yourself that the mood will pass in due time.
• Direct positive thoughts to that person.
• Separate your identity from the other person. Your angry spouse is not you and you are not responsible for their moods.
• Get away from the person for a while and do something relaxing and enjoyable, even if it’s just a walk around the block.

Limit the amount of time you spend with someone whose emotions cause you distress. If you live with that person, have a special room or private nook that everyone in the house understands is your getaway.

Spreading good moods

If moods really are contagious, think what influence you could have in the lives of those around you! While you are not responsible for someone else’s mood, why not try some of these suggestions?

• Smile at everyone you see at home, work, out and about, etc.
• Remind yourself to use a calm, pleasant voice with slow clerks and tense co-workers.
• Make funny faces at your cranky child to evoke laughter.
• Hum or whistle a happy tune in public if it won’t be rude or disruptive.

Maybe you won’t have the comfort to try all of these suggestions, but the gift of one smile from you today might be just the lift someone else needs.

By Laurie Stewart

©2004-2022 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Investigate possible causes for your emotions.
• Take responsibility for your thoughts and actions.
• Be assertive.

Hard, strong, and raw emotions such as anger, fear, worry, jealousy, hurt, and discouragement may leave you feeling overwhelmed. These feelings can be so strong that you may feel like a victim to them—like they have control over you and your response.

Emotions are a part of being human, but learning how to effectively handle strong feelings is challenging. What comes naturally with raw emotions is either stuffing by repressing feelings or exploding by negatively expressing them. In Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions, author Lysa TerKeurst explains that our reactions depend on the situation and who is involved. A person is capable of suppressing in some situations and venting in others.

What do stuffers do?

Stuffers may not even be aware of their emotions, or if they are they lock their feelings inside. They may withdraw and build a wall of resentment or they store harmful emotions with the goal to retaliate or get revenge. A stuffer may wallow in self-pity. Emotions inside a stuffer are either denied or repressed.

What about exploders?

Stern or hurtful words, harsh looks, raised voices, cursing, sharp tones, and demonstrative gestures such as finger pointing and door slamming can all be part of how an exploder handles raw emotions. Quiet exploders are more subtle and use sarcasm or criticism. After the explosion of emotion, the person may blame others, get defensive, or feel ashamed.

Harmful effects for both stuffers and exploders

Strong emotions handled by either stuffing or exploding can negatively change a person’s mood, actions, and physical health. Buddha illustrates the result of repressing anger: “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.”

Mismanaging emotions becomes a breeding ground for irritability, impatience, procrastination, criticism, blaming, victimization, and compulsive behavior. Relationships can be hurt or destroyed when emotions are either passively avoided or boldly voiced. Immune systems can become compromised and the person can get sick more easily. A person can become sad or try to get away from harmful feelings with food, drugs, booze, or medicine. These two ends of the continuum—stuffing and exploding—come naturally to human beings, but with conscious effort people can learn better ways to handle emotions.

How to handle raw emotions

1. “Tune in” to your emotional channel. Stop, take a deep breath, and ask yourself what you are feeling. Put a short and descriptive label on the emotion. “I’m livid” is much more descriptive than “I’m upset.” Metaphors can help identify emotions; for example: “This feels like trying to herd cats.” Rating the feeling on a 1-10 scale and writing in a journal are other techniques that can facilitate emotional awareness. Pay attention to where in your body you feel the emotion: Is your chest tight? Does your stomach hurt? Do you have a headache?
2. Look into causes for your emotions. Are your expectations unrealistic? Do you want to be in control or right? Are you jealous or hurt? What thoughts are going through your mind?
3. Take responsibility for your thoughts and actions. Feelings cannot be controlled, but thoughts can be changed, which in turn can sway emotions. Reframing—changing the interpretation of a set of circumstances—can be helpful. An example might be if you get poor customer service. Instead of taking it personally, know that the lack of responsiveness may have other causes.
4. Empathize with others. One of the ground rules for effectively resolving conflict is to try to see the other person’s point of view. You do not have to agree to express empathy. You can say you are sorry for hurting someone’s feelings even if it wasn’t intended.
5. Be assertive. Speak up when something means a lot to you, but don’t do it in a blaming way or by using absolutes such as, “you always…” or “you never…” Use an “I-message” where you take responsibility for your feelings, describe the other person’s behavior objectively, and state a request for the future.
6. Practice good self-care. Eating healthily, exercising, getting plenty of sleep, making time for fun, seeking connection with others, and growing spiritually can help with how a person handles emotions. When stress is high and coping skills are challenged, it is harder to handle raw emotions well.
7. Seek help if you feel stuck. Professional, private help is available from a mental health professional, such as a licensed counselor, psychologist, or employee assistance program professional.

By Kris Hooks, M.Ed., LPC, LMFT, CEAP

©2013-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions by Lysa TerKeurst. Zondervan, 2012.

Summary

Break emotional eating habits:

• Listen to your body.
• Eat mindfully.
• Make healthy choices, deliberately.

When we eat to nourish our bodies, we are following healthy eating practices. But when we eat or do not eat depending on our moods or emotions, our health may be affected. 

Powerful feelings often propel us into action. But they also can stop us in our tracks, if we let them.

What is emotional eating?

We have all been there: Your stomach ties up in knots thinking about a relationship, so you miss a meal or two. Or, you are so thrilled at good news that you give yourself treats day after day, to celebrate.

Emotional eating has nothing to do with making decisions to lose or gain weight, or with liking or disliking food.

It happens when our feelings interfere with our normal eating habits. We eat too much or too little, and not because we are dieting. We might put on a few pounds or lose some, but not because we are trying. What we eat or do not eat has become an extension of our sadness or our need to soothe an emotional wound.  

How we let emotions rule

We tie food to comfort in our very first moments of life. A baby knows instinctively to cry when something bothers them. And, at the moment their caregiver comforts them by filling their belly, they make the food-mood connection.

Fast-forward 30 years, and you may find an adult seeking comfort in food when they are down, or losing interest in food when they are bubbling over or stressed. The on/off button to their appetite rests on their emotional state.

No matter what brings on the feeling, they need to find calm by way of eating or not eating in moments of emotional discomfort. They may not realize it, but they cannot tell the difference between emotional and physical discomfort.

How do I know if my hunger or lack of appetite is real?

Listen to your body. Your stomach will tell you when it needs food or has had enough. Be patient and pay attention.

Everyone reacts to stress differently. Some people eat too much; others lose their appetite under the same stressful conditions. Worry, grief or loss, relationship problems and depression can interfere with our ability to recognize our body’s needs.

Ask yourself, am I physically hungry? If so, eat. If not, wait to eat a real meal. Physical hunger comes on gradually. When your body needs food, it will let you know.

Emotional distress, on the other hand, sets off intense, sudden cravings, often for carbohydrates, sweet or salty foods. When emotions rule, we cannot wait for a real meal. We want ice cream and we want it now.

Sometimes we feel numb or emotionally empty and mistake that for hunger. Other times we turn to food out of habit. Something looks or sounds good, so we go for it.

You actually may hunger for a connection with other people, a more satisfying relationship, or better job. Food takes care of physical hunger, but does not satisfy us emotionally.

Some people describe losing their appetite when feeling emotions ranging from sadness to stress to happiness. If this feeling quickly passes, there’s no need for concern. However, your body needs nourishment throughout the day, so it’s important to eat enough to keep up your energy. If you go for long periods of time without eating—or if your eating patterns become erratic—this can be a sign of a more serious problem, such as depression or an eating disorder. Seek help if you are unable to resume eating in a consistent manner or begin to experience weight loss.

How to break an emotional eating habit

• Admit that your emotions are pushing you to do something you do not need or want to do. Be glad you have learned to recognize these feelings.
• Do not try to stop or change your feelings, just change the way you handle them. You are dealing with a calming problem, not a moral issue. Through understanding, you will find the root of your discomfort.
• Talk to a friend, relative or counselor about it.
• Talk to yourself. Say, something must be bothering me, and I look forward to the day when I do not have to worry about it anymore.
• Do not get mad at yourself or try to force yourself to eat or stop eating. You might make the situation worse.
• Build a strong support structure around friends, family, hobbies and interests.
• Fight the urge to eat when you do not need to. Take a nap or a walk, or read a magazine. 
• Meditate or practice other forms of mindfulness.
• Make a list of things that soothe you when you are bothered, such as music or picturing yourself in a peaceful place.
• Do something physical—practice the piano, work on a project or write a letter—to distract yourself from discomfort.
• If you are eating too much, get rid of snacks and comfort food.
• Eat a well-balanced mixture of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, low-fat dairy foods and lean protein such as meat, poultry and fish. Variety is good.  
• If emotions prevent you from eating, keep small amounts of nutritious food handy for snacks, including cheese, nuts, whole-grain bread, or cereal, or raw vegetables. 
• Never shop for food when you are angry or blue. You may make poor choices.
• Use breaks to do something rejuvenating. Walk, talk to a friend, or meditate.
• Keep a food journal. This may help you discover what is bothering you. Consider using the HALT method in your journaling, noting when you eat if you are:
• Hungry—physically or emotionally
• Angry
• Lonely or bored
• Tired

Most emotional eating is temporary. Once you admit that you have been too distracted by emotions to pay attention to your nutritional needs, the problem will begin to correct itself. Focus on finding out what is bothering you, and your eating problem should go away on its own. If it does not go back to normal in a few weeks, seek professional help.

By Paula Hartman Cohen

©2013-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Judith Matz, MSW, LCSW, author and therapist specializing in treating people with eating problems and weight issues, Skokie, IL

It gives to give. There is much more to be gained than there is to be lost from acts of generosity. Of course, being generous does come at a cost, requiring you to sacrifice something of your own — whether your time, money, talents or resources — for the sake of someone else. Despite these losses, however, generosity significantly improves your physical and mental health, and strengthens your relationships with others.

Physical health benefits

Studies show that charitable acts can affect your physical health in the following ways:

• Improves your heart health by lowering blood pressure and reducing levels of inflammation and cholesterol
• Lengthens your life expectancy
• Strengthens your immune system
• Increases your energy levels and improves your sleep
• Decreases adrenaline and cortisol levels in your brain, which reduces stress
• Improves your appetite

Mental health benefits

The chemicals that generous acts stimulate in the brain help you to experience feelings of pleasure, satisfaction, purpose, love and connection. Generosity’s psychological benefits include:

• Elevates your mood
• Boosts your self-esteem and optimism
• Lowers your risk of depression, anxiety and other related illnesses

Social benefits

As a prosocial behavior, generosity benefits both its benefactors and recipients in the following ways:

• Increases empathy for others
• Reduces loneliness and isolation
• Increases trust and cooperation
• Strengthens relationships
• Spreads to others: one generous act can inspire dozens or even hundreds more

Regardless of the scale of the act, being generous is guaranteed to make you feel better about yourself, encourage others to feel good themselves, and in return think positively of you.

©2022 Workplace Options

Do you ever find yourself stewing over work, past events or worries when you’d like to be relaxing, paying attention to your partner or child, or sleeping? This repetitive return to unhappy or disturbing thoughts without productive resolution is called rumination, and it can be damaging to your health, your relationships and your ability to move forward in life.

You might ruminate over:

• A frustrating or worrisome situation at work
• A conflict with your partner, a friend, your boss or a coworker
• Criticism you’ve received
• Financial pressure

Why rumination is a problem

If rumination led to solutions and improvements in your life, it might be a good thing. Too often, however, rumination simply adds to your stress and undermines your well-being:

• Rumination revives the negative emotions that are associated with an unhappy or disturbing event. Instead of processing those emotions and moving on, rumination causes your brain to stir them up over and over again.
• A habit of rumination prevents you from relaxing, restoring your mental energy and enjoying the moment you are in. It can muddle your thinking and damage relationships, fueling a destructive cycle that can intensify self-critical thoughts and feelings of isolation.
• Rumination can interfere with your sleep, and poor sleep quality can negatively affect your thinking, your ability to manage your moods, and your health.
• Rumination is associated with depression. A habit of rumination can prolong an episode of depression, while interfering with efforts to get needed social support.

How to break the cycle

When you get stuck in a cycle of rumination, it can be hard to get out of it. The recurring thoughts can harden into a habit similar to unhealthy lifestyle habits like smoking or drinking (but fortunately without the addictive biochemistry). To avoid this, it’s best to address rumination quickly, before it becomes an established thought pattern.

Here are some tips for when you find yourself ruminating:

• Make productive efforts to find a solution. Instead of simply reliving your unhappy experience, look for a solution. Think about what you can do to improve the situation, keep it from happening again or move on from it on a positive forward path. Break down the steps you need to take to move forward, and plan in your mind how you’ll take them. Become a problem solver.
• If you are ruminating about work when you are home, build a real or symbolic transition into the shift from work to home life. A commute can do this. So can a walk around the block, a change of clothes, turning on some relaxing music or anticipating a happy conversation unrelated to work.
• Distract yourself from the ruminating thoughts. Do something that makes it difficult or impossible to think your repetitive thoughts:
• Call a friend or family member (and don’t even think about mentioning your ruminating worry).
• Read a book or listen to an audiobook.
• Play a game or do a challenging puzzle.
• Watch a movie.
• Listen to music that absorbs your attention.
• Exercise.
• Go for a walk around your neighborhood or in nature.
• Engage in a hobby or passion (drawing, woodworking, music, knitting, etc.).
• Challenge your thinking. Is this a real problem, or could you be blowing it out of proportion? Might there be another explanation for what you think happened? Might someone else see the situation differently? If you’re imagining worst-case outcomes, ask yourself how realistic those are? What’s a more likely outcome? Talking to a friend might help you put things in perspective and get a more realistic assessment. (Beware of using a friend to help fan the flames of your rumination.)
• Avoid overthinking mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s how people learn and grow. Making a mistake does not make you a less worthy person. If you’ve made a mistake, think about what you can learn from it and do differently next time. Forgive and be kind to yourself.
• Try mindfulness and meditation. In the practice of mindfulness, you focus on the present moment, your experience right now. What happened yesterday or earlier today is not relevant. When engaging in mindfulness you also accept and embrace your current experience, including its joy and pain. You let go of judgment. Clearing your mind in meditation can have a similar effect in breaking the cycle of ruminating thoughts. Both practices shift your attention, make you aware of your thoughts and feelings, and help you move toward acceptance — all while helping you calm your body and your mind.

When you’re stuck in rumination

When you’re stuck in an enduring cycle of rumination and one-time measures aren’t enough, it can help to deal with the problem as an unhealthy habit. Habits are triggered by cues in your environment, emotions or thinking. When you experience a trigger, your habitual behavior or thinking follows a set pattern.

Here are some tips to break a rumination habit:

• Identify the cues that trigger your ruminating thoughts. When do you tend to ruminate? In the evening? At night when you’re trying to sleep? After a particular type of event? When you’re alone? When you’re sad? In certain places? You might keep a log for a week or so to note the patterns of your ruminating thoughts. Recognizing the situations in which you have ruminating thoughts can help you identify the cues that trigger them.
• Where you can, avoid or change the cues that trigger your rumination. You might do this by changing your routine. If you tend to ruminate when you first get home from work and try to relax, do something else when you first get home. Call someone. Go for a walk. Read a chapter of a book. If watching or listening to the news lowers your mood and invites rumination, watch or listen to something else. Shaking up your routine can help you disrupt your ruminating habit.
• Find alternative responses to your rumination cues, and practice them. Once you’ve identified the cues that trigger your rumination, come up with alternative responses to them. Take a different action when you experience those cues. If feeling sad is your trigger, pay attention to your emotions, and immediately do something different when you start to feel sad. Find a distracting activity that keeps your mind off your rumination. Over time, and with lots of practice, this new response will start to override your old ruminating habit.

How counseling can help

Rumination habits can become so deeply ingrained that you may have trouble breaking the cycle by yourself:

• The practice of mindfulness can be helpful for many people and can be more helpful under the guidance of an expert.
• Working with a professional counselor, especially one with expertise in cognitive-behavioral therapy, can help you change unproductive thought patterns, including persistent rumination. There’s even a specialty for helping people with rumination habits: rumination-focused cognitive-behavioral therapy.
• Because rumination can be associated with depression and other mental health problems, if your rumination problem is persistent and keeping you from living to your full potential, and especially if you have symptoms of another mental health problem, you should make an appointment with a mental health professional.

©2022 Workplace Options

Summary

• Faulty thinking is the primary source of most of your emotional suffering.
• Identify thoughts that fuel your anger.
• Recognize distorted thoughts and learn to rethink them.

Feel angry more often than you want to? You can identify and retrain the thoughts that make you feel angry.

Catch your thoughts

Start by accepting that some of your thoughts aren’t accurate or rational. In The Feeling Good Handbook, David Burns, M.D. describes several irrational thought patterns that stir up negative emotions. The next time you feel irritable or angry, take a minute or two to write down any thoughts you catch racing through your mind. Perhaps you will recognize some of the following:

Overgeneralization: You view a negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

• “My spouse never listens to me.”
• “My kids always make too much noise.”

All-or-nothing thinking: You look at things in absolute, black-or-white categories.

• “I either want to win or I don’t want to play!”
• “I will not tolerate imperfection in myself or anyone.”

Should statements: You criticize yourself or others with “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts.”

• “That guy should turn off his signal if he isn’t turning!”
• “People shouldn’t have more grocery items than posted in the express line.”

Labeling: You identify yourself or others entirely with their shortcomings.

• “He’s an idiot because he left his turn signal on.”
• “I’m a pig because I ate too much.”

Blame: You blame other people and overlook ways that you might contribute to a problem.

• “The reason my marriage is failing is all my spouse’s fault.”
• “The people in my work group are entirely to blame for problems there.”

Change what you can

Admitting that your thoughts might be distorted can be a challenge. And learning to rethink them can be even harder. Expect this to take time and practice. As you learn to identify distorted thoughts, consider alternative thought patterns that can help calm you down:

Thinking in shades of gray: Try to remove “always” and “never” from your negative beliefs.

• Can you truly never recall a time when your spouse listened to you, or your children were quiet? Change “always” and “never” to “sometimes.”
• Allow yourself to be human, which means you will sometimes lose, fail, make mistakes, etc.

Examine the evidence: Is there any proof that your thought is valid?

• Do you actually know the IQ of that driver in front of you?
• Do you in any way resemble a pig?

Re-attribution: What other factors besides the person you want to blame may be upsetting you?

• Rather than constantly blame others for your sour mood, be willing to consider your part in the problem.
• Consider that your low mood may be coloring your perspective at the moment.

The semantic method: Think thoughts that are less emotionally loaded. Try to use fewer “shoulds,” “shouldn’ts,” labels, etc.

• “It would be nice if people honored the express lane system at the grocery store.”
• “That driver must be too distracted right now not to notice that his signal is still on.”

Don’t give up as you try to manage thoughts that stir up your anger. And don’t expect perfection. Lack of sleep, illness, too many demands … these and other events shorten anyone’s fuse. If your anger is costing you relationships, jobs, or good health, you might consider working with a counselor or other mental health professional.

By Laurie M. Stewart

©2004-2022 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Chronic jealousy destroys relationships.
• Learn how to communicate concerns.
• Build self-esteem.

Jealousy may have some value: It helps us remain alert to those who might steal our mate or who threaten our status. But on the whole, it’s a sickening emotion that is guaranteed to make you feel miserable and—if it occurs often—destroy the relationship you seek to preserve.

Jealousy differs from envy in that we envy other people when we want what they have: “I envy Tyler’s car,” or “I want Sasha’s position at the company.” We experience jealousy when we feel threatened that someone might take something valuable away from us, which in turn makes us act possessively.

Jealousy is most often associated with romance, but it can show up in other relationships as well. A parent may become jealous of the relationship her child has with another relative. Children may become jealous when their best friend starts playing with someone else. Or we may “jealously” guard our position at work if we feel someone is trying to move into our territory.

How jealousy wrecks relationships

Many of us seem to like and need the occasional small display of jealousy on the part of a significant other. Such displays show that we’re special, and that our loved one values the relationship enough to fight for it. Occasionally, a partner may like to provoke jealousy because she’s testing the strength of a new relationship to see if it’s worth the effort.

The problem here is that these little “make them jealous” acts can turn into big problems. A person prone to jealousy may feel constantly threatened. This may lead to relationship-destroying behaviors such as yelling, spying, questioning, and controlling. In extreme cases, jealousy leads to violence.  

Containing jealousy

There are steps you can take to control your jealousy:

• Notice when jealousy creeps up on you. If you feel it occasionally, it’s probably not a problem. If you often feel jealous, then you need to take steps to figure out what’s wrong. The first place to look is at yourself. Jealousy is often a sign of insecurity or some other emotional issue. In other words, the problem is not with the partner but with the person experiencing chronic jealousy.
• Put your energy into making yourself and your relationship the best it can be. Chronic jealousy is often a sign of low self-esteem. When you make your relationship or your position at work or your status—whatever it is you seek to protect—stronger, then it will stand up to the everyday threats that arise in life. So work on building your self-esteem. Not only will it make you feel better, it will make you more attractive as a partner or as an employee.
• Distinguish between real and perceived threats. The problem with jealousy is that you can become overly sensitive to any perceived threats. Ask yourself: What about the situation is making me jealous? Are there particular triggers? How can I avoid any or all triggers? Am I projecting past experiences onto my current relationship? What is it that I think I lack that my rival possesses? There’s a thin line between chronic jealousy and paranoia.

Whether you are feeling jealous or are the victim of jealousy:

• Communicate—don’t play manipulative games. Sit down and express concerns.
• To preserve a relationship, focus on the positive—work on developing trust and compassion.
• Study personal conflict resolution with a qualified counselor.
• If your partner is acting increasingly jealous and you feel physically threatened, contact a domestic abuse organization for both emergency and long-term assistance.

By Amy Fries

©2009-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Optimism is a set of beliefs that helps to focus your attention and behavior on the opportunities and possibilities of life. Optimism is not a rose-colored lens, but a clear lens, without distortion, that allows you to see life realistically and clearly.

Optimism allows you to see that opportunities exist even when you face challenges and changes in your life. Pessimism, on the other hand, is an internal stressor that creates a sense of threat around the stressors in life.

Different worldviews

Where the pessimist sees problems, the optimist sees opportunities.

Optimist: All possibilities exist in the world.
Pessimist: The possibilities are more likely negative. Pessimists are often worriers. 

Optimist: Every problem has a solution. If you don’t look for it, you won’t find it.
Pessimist: The likelihood of success is constantly in doubt.

Optimist: The world is neither fair nor unfair. It simply is.
Pessimist: Life is not fair, but it should be.

Optimist: Success is likely. It’s a result of effort, persistence and ability.
Pessimist: Good outcomes are the result of luck. There is very little that can be done to control events.

Optimist: While truly bad things can happen, they tend not to happen in your personal world. On the occasion that they do, the experience is an opportunity to learn and grow.
Pessimist: Bad things are likely to strike close to home no matter what efforts are made to prevent them from happening. 

Six steps to realistic optimism

Focus on the positive. People frequently focus their attention on what goes wrong, what could go wrong or what almost went wrong. It’s important to retrain your thinking and begin to focus on the experiences you have in life that work out well, even when they are not perfect.

Resist the desire to complain. Complaining usually makes you feel worse by keeping your attention on an unhappy situation. Constant griping will distance you from positive people and attracts negative people who encourage anger, hostility and envy.

Decide for yourself what is and isn’t possible. Don’t limit yourself to beliefs that say something can’t be done. While not everything is possible, many things are dismissed too easily. This is about learning to think outside the box.

Be for things, not against things. This is a critical piece of developing your optimistic approach to life. When you are against something, you focus on creating less. Creating less requires attacking, punishing, complaining and reacting. When you are for something, you focus on creating more. Creating more is about new ideas, options and productivity. Instead of saying “no” to pessimism, say “yes” to optimism.

Laugh at yourself, but not at others. Humor opens you to possibilities. It reminds you that many of the solutions you thought were foolproof in the past weren’t, or that many of the limitations you thought were set in stone weren’t. Think back to what you thought to be absolutely true 10 years ago. Has any of that changed? Can you laugh at it now?

Optimists don’t use humor to hurt others. Avoid the pessimist’s use of cynicism and sarcasm as a substitute for genuine humor. Remind yourself on a regular basis that you can increase your sense of accomplishment and well-being by your own efforts. Feeling good about yourself shouldn’t require that you put others down, judge them or compare them unfavorably to yourself.

Fake it until you make it. A short cut to changed behavior is to engage in the desired behavior, even if it goes against how you would normally act. Practice new habits even if they feel awkward. One of the best strategies for behavior change is to change behavior first and let your feelings about it catch up. If you put off change until you’re comfortable with the idea, you may never change.

Source: Defense Centers of Excellence, National Center for Telehealth and Technology

Summary

• Remain open and alert to opportunities.
• Focus on the positive.
• Brainstorm solutions to problems.
• Learn from mistakes.

Having a good attitude doesn’t mean being happy all the time. After all, what’s the good of having a positive attitude if all it means is you’re happily walking down the wrong path? Having a good attitude doesn’t mean denying the pain, disappointment and frustrations that are inherent in life. In fact, you need to be attuned to problems so you can make adjustments and adapt or change.

Having a good attitude means looking for solutions, seeing possibilities and staying hopeful about the future. A good attitude leaves you and those around you feeling stronger.

Look for the diamond in the dirt

Attitude decides how we approach everyday life. Is it a drag? Or is it filled with opportunity? Sometimes we think those who have succeeded in life got lucky, but other evidence shows that those “lucky” people stayed open and alert to opportunities. They weren’t looking inward, lost and absorbed in the obstacles. They were looking outward and thus could see possibilities.

Focus on the positive

People with good attitudes focus mainly on the positives. They don’t brush off the problems, but they don’t let them color their overall perception either.

Don’t let negative people drag you down or alter your vision. Draw strength and courage from the positives—those things that are going well in your life. Make a mental list each day of those “good things.”

Seek solutions

When faced with hard times, those with a good attitude seek solutions. They start brainstorming. As the ideas start to flow, energy ignites. In that way, a good attitude is contagious—it invigorates, motivates and inspires. Think of it as a jolt of caffeine for yourself and those around you. Unfortunately, a bad attitude is just as contagious—it can drag you and your associates down. In a negative world, everyone whines and complains that the sky is falling but no one looks for a solution.

If the problem is something that can’t be changed—a death, an incurable illness or something as mundane as the weather—seek creative ways to adjust or, better yet, to thrive, despite the challenges.

Learn from mistakes

People with good attitudes know that trial and error, mistakes and failures are part of life and part of the process of growth and discovery. This, in turn, gives them the strength and courage to learn from their mistakes and to persevere.

While perseverance is part of a good frame of mind, it does come with a caveat. Don’t confuse blind perseverance with creative perseverance. In other words, you don’t want to persevere in making the same mistakes over and over. Persevere in your goals while continuing to learn, adapt and change as needed.

Take action

A person with a good attitude takes action. They’re not afraid to take the first step. Or maybe they are afraid, but they do it anyway. Don’t wait for a lightning bolt of inspiration. Start doing and the drive and inspiration will follow.

Develop a positive attitude

Not everyone was born with a positive attitude nor was everyone nurtured in an environment helpful to developing a good attitude. It can be learned and, with practice, become a habit. For starters:

• Every time you think of something that isn’t going well, counter that with a list of the things that are working out.
• For every problem, brainstorm solutions.
• Follow through on at least one of those solutions.
• Do something that makes you feel good about yourself.
• Stay open to change.
• Challenge your negative self-talk.
• Don’t become a fake, but “up” your game in life—dress better, smile more often, make more positive comments.
• As an experiment, for one day, cut out all negative statements. Notice the different responses you get from people.
• Surround yourself with positive people and avoid toxic naysayers.

By Amy Fries

©2006-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Happiness is not the result of the external environment, but rather the result of your own internal environment. Happiness is a choice. Unhappiness is a habit, and you can make the choice to break that habit every minute of the day.

Below are eight possible shifts in thinking that may help you achieve this goal:

Be grateful and focus on positivity. Bring into focus what you have and what’s good rather than what you don’t have and what’s not good. It’s surprising how what people focus on takes on a life of its own. So, you can maintain a gratitude journal, count your blessings, express sincere thanks and learn to recognize and acknowledge the positives that come out from every challenge you’ve faced in the past.

Let go of negativity. Forgiving those who have hurt you in the past allows you to move on with your life, untethered and free. Embracing failure and learning from it allows you to grow toward your potential and opens you up to the possibility of success in the future. Let go of the need to please others. Don’t sweat the small stuff, and let go of the need for perfectionism and control. Remember that there will always be things you cannot control. In fact, the only things that you can control are your thoughts, your behaviors, how you interpret things that are happening outside of you and how much you allow them to affect you.

Remember that this, too, shall pass. Expect everything to come to an end eventually and give way to something different. Nothing is permanent and lasts forever — not the ups, and not the downs. If you are on a high, knowing that the high will end keeps you grounded. If you are on a low, knowing that the low will eventually end keeps you hopeful.

Take care of yourself. Exercise, nutrition and sleep help take care of your body, which is extremely important. But taking care of your spirit is also important. Nourish and nurture your spirit with these tips:

• Practice nonjudgmental awareness and acceptance of the person you are;
• Smile, laugh and have fun
• Cut out the comparisons
• Simplify your wants and declutter your space
• Reconnect with nature
• Listen to uplifting music
• Visualize happiness
• Learn something new
• Do something creative or pursue a hobby
• Meditate: journey inwards with honesty
• Discover new meaning in and about yourself and the world

Live in the moment. The past is over; there is nothing you can do to change it. The future isn’t here yet, and no one can say with certainty what it holds. So, just savor the present because that is all there is right now. Try to enjoy the lunch you are fortunate to have without panicking about the meeting after. Enjoy the smooth flow of warm water over your body while in the bath instead of ruminating over the argument with a neighbor last week. Enjoy the game of Monopoly with your child instead of checking your email while playing. Stop and smell the roses, and listen to the birds.

Nurture human connections. Human connections can be sustained by reaching out in many ways; physical contact and closeness are not the only way. Technology has allowed everyone to be able to connect freely. Are you using the technology to connect by reaching out, or are you using it to isolate further by staying in your cocoon and binge-watching shows? That is a choice everyone makes. No man is an island. Everyone needs a community; everyone needs to feel the warmth and love of connection.

Make your life meaningful to others. Shift the focus away from yourself. Are you able to give happiness to others? Can you volunteer your time and resources to bring them some relief or joy, or even just a smile? Can you look for opportunities to practice kindness every day?

Ask for help, it’s a sign of strength. There is a common perception that people need to deal with life’s struggles and challenges on their own. If they don’t, they will be perceived to be weak. However, asking for help is one of the most difficult things to do and requires immense courage. So, if it is indeed that difficult, then being able to do it has to be a sign of great strength.

At first glance, this pursuit of happiness seems like a lofty goal. But it really isn’t. You need to break it down into smaller goals that you can work on, maybe one at a time. In that journey, remember that you can always reach out for help.

©2021 Workplace Options

After a trauma or an extremely stressful event, it’s not uncommon to feel emotionally numb, sometimes with a sense of isolation or disconnection. Other experiences and conditions and some medications can also cause emotional numbness. When a person is emotionally numb, they don’t feel joy or sadness. The normal swings of emotion are reduced to a sense of flatness, and the world takes on a dull, muted aspect. This can be unbearable for some people. Fortunately, emotional numbness is usually temporary, and it is treatable.

What is emotional numbness?

Emotional numbness, sometimes referred to as affective blunting, is a state of being in which a person can neither feel nor express emotions. It’s not a clinically diagnosable condition, although it can be a symptom of depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or another clinical condition. Some people who experience emotional numbness describe it as similar to being in a vacuum or living life as a robot. It can make the world seem unreal and lead a person to feel dissociated from their environment and the people around them.

Symptoms of emotional numbness include:

• Inability to access feelings and emotions — to feel either happy or sad
• Feeling disconnected, both from one’s own body and thoughts and from the outside world
• Feeling flat, both emotionally and physically, without energy or enthusiasm for anything
• Difficulty connecting with other people and responding to social and emotional cues
• Lack of interest in activities that were once enjoyable
• Withdrawal and a preference for being alone

What causes emotional numbness?

Emotional numbness can have many causes, including:

• Depression: While depression is commonly associated with feelings of sadness, it can also be experienced as a dulling of the emotions and feelings of emptiness. People with emotional numbness may not consider depression as a cause because they don’t feel unhappy.
• Anxiety: Extreme anxiety, a panic attack, or anxiety disorder can leave a person feeling emotionally numb.
• Overwhelming stress: Emotional numbness and detachment can be coping mechanisms in responding to extreme stress. Trauma, exhaustion, and burnout can all result in emotional numbness.
• PTSD: Emotional numbness can be a symptom of PTSD—one way the body and mind avoid the feelings and pain of past trauma.
• Abuse: Mental, physical and emotional abuse are all associated with emotional numbness. Detachment and the suppression of feelings can be adopted as a protective shield.
• Grief: Intense grief can cause a person to disconnect from their emotions. That can happen when a loved one dies or in response to a terminal diagnosis.
• Medications: Antidepressant and antianxiety medications can leave a person feeling emotionally numb. When this happens, it’s important to work closely with the prescribing doctor. An adjusted dosage or a change in medication will usually restore emotional range.
• Substance misuse: Alcohol, cannabis, opioids, LSD and other substances can blunt emotions, cause feelings of detachment, and reduce motivation to engage in formerly pleasurable activities.

Other mental health conditions associated with emotional numbness include schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder (BPD), and depersonalization-derealization disorder.

How to treat emotional numbness

Emotional numbness is not in itself a condition. It is a symptom. However, it can be treated to bring immediate relief and reduce the risk of recurrence. The first step in overcoming emotional numbness is to identify and treat the underlying cause.

Your doctor, a therapist or a psychiatrist can help with this diagnosis by asking questions to understand when feelings of emotional numbness began, what triggers their recurrence and what else is going on in your life. Connections that might be invisible to you can become clearer in these therapeutic conversations. Paths to emotional healing with professional help include the following:

• Medication: Your doctor might recognize an association between your emotional numbness and a medication you’ve been prescribed. If that’s the case, a change in medication may be all that’s needed to restore you to yourself. Alternatively, your doctor might prescribe an antidepressant or antianxiety medication to address a diagnosis of depression or anxiety disorder that might be causing your emotional numbness.
• Talk therapy: Other causes of emotional numbness may take more work to understand and correct. In talk therapy or psychotherapy, you have exploratory and solution-focused conversations with a mental health therapist or psychiatrist. In these conversational sessions, you work on understanding the source of your anxiety, trauma or emotional blocks, and learn productive coping tools. Different talk therapy approaches can be effective in resolving different causes of emotional numbness:
• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) works by helping you recognize unhelpful thought and behavior patterns and replacing them with healthier and more productive thought and behavior patterns. With practice, you learn new emotional responses to situations or thoughts that are now shutting down your emotions.
• Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) guides you in using mindfulness to recognize, accept, and more fully experience your feelings and emotions. ACT can provide a path to greater engagement and a more meaningful life.
• Somatic experiencing therapy focuses on the mind-body connection to treat the symptoms and effects of trauma, grief, PTSD and other mental health issues that can cause emotional numbness.

While you are receiving professional help, or if the causes of your emotional numbness are clear to you and within your power to address, you can make lifestyle changes to improve your mental and emotional health:

• Nurture your social support network. Reach out to people who love you for their support, guidance, and encouragement. It can be a relief to talk about what you’re experiencing. The social connection itself can also trigger positive feelings. You might also reach out to a spiritual advisor or join a support group or online forum.
• Be physically active. Moving your body is great therapy for stress and anxiety. It can also lift your mood and reduce symptoms of depression.
• Get plenty of sleep. Some of the conditions that cause emotional numbness, such as depression, anxiety and PTSD, can interfere with nighttime sleep, but do your best to get seven or more hours of sleep every day. Adopt a regular bedtime routine. Avoid stimulants like caffeine or nicotine in the afternoon and evening.
• Manage stress. Identify the sources of stress in your life, and do what you can to minimize them. Learn to recognize the signs of stress; reduce their effects with stress-management techniques, such as deep breathing and mindfulness.
• Re-engage with activities you enjoy. Push yourself to spend time doing things you used to enjoy, even if they no longer give you as much pleasure or satisfaction as they once did. Abandoning these activities can make you feel worse and your life feel emptier.
• Change your routine. Try something new. Get up an hour earlier, and go for a walk as it’s getting light outside. Take a different route to work or the store. Find a new way to cook your favorite food. Make something. Learn how to make a home repair. Changing your routine, even in small ways, can help bring some color and interest back to your life.

©2022 Workplace Options

How you feel can affect your ability to carry out everyday activities, your relationships, and your overall mental health. How you react to your experiences and feelings can change over time. Emotional wellness is the ability to successfully handle life’s stresses and adapt to change and difficult times.

Conside these six strategies for improving your emotional health:

Brighten your outlook

People who are emotionally well, experts say, have fewer negative emotions and are able to bounce back from difficulties faster. This quality is called resilience. Another sign of emotional wellness is being able to hold onto positive emotions longer and appreciate the good times.

Here are some tips on developing a more positive mindset:

• Remember your good deeds. Give yourself credit for the good things you do for others each day.
• Forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Learn from what went wrong, but don’t dwell on it.
• Spend more time with your friends. Surround yourself with positive, healthy people.
• Explore your beliefs about the meaning and purpose of life. Think about how to guide your life by the principles that are important to you.
• Develop healthy physical habits. Healthy eating, physical activity and regular sleep can improve your physical and mental health.

Reduce stress

Everyone feels stressed from time to time. Stress can give you a rush of energy when it’s needed most. If stress lasts a long time, however—a condition known as chronic stress—those “high-alert” changes become harmful rather than helpful. Learning healthy ways to cope with stress can also boost your resilience. Here are some tips to help manage stress:

• Get enough sleep.
• Exercise regularly. Just 30 minutes a day of walking can boost mood and reduce stress.
• Build a social support network.
• Set priorities. Decide what must get done and what can wait. Say no to new tasks if they are putting you into overload.
• Think positive. Note what you’ve accomplished at the end of the day, not what you’ve failed to do.
• Try relaxation methods. Mindfulness, meditation, yoga or tai chi may help.
• Seek help. Talk to a mental health professional if you feel unable to cope, have suicidal thoughts, or use drugs or alcohol to cope.

Get quality sleep

To fit in everything you want to do in your day, you often sacrifice sleep. However, sleep affects both mental and physical health. It’s vital to your wellbeing. When you’re tired, you can’t function at your best. Sleep helps you think more clearly, have quicker reflexes and focus better. Take steps to make sure you regularly get a good night’s sleep. Here are some tips on getting better quality sleep:

• Go to bed the same time each night, and get up the same time each morning.
• Sleep in a dark, quiet, comfortable environment.
• Exercise daily (but not right before bedtime).
• Limit the use of electronics before bed.
• Relax before bedtime. A warm bath or reading might help.
• Avoid alcohol and stimulants such as caffeine late in the day.
• Avoid nicotine.
• Consult a health care professional if you have ongoing sleep problems.

Be mindful

The concept of mindfulness is simple. This ancient practice is about being completely aware of what’s happening in the present—of all that’s going on inside and all that’s happening around you. It means not living your life on “autopilot.” Becoming a more mindful person requires commitment and practice. Here are some tips to help you get started:

• Take some deep breaths. Breathe in through your nose to a count of four, hold for one second, and then exhale through the mouth to a count of five. Repeat often.
• Enjoy a stroll. As you walk, notice your breath and the sights and sounds around you. As thoughts and worries enter your mind, note them, but then return to the present.
• Practice mindful eating. Be aware of taste, textures and flavors in each bite, and listen to your body when you are hungry and full.
• Find mindfulness resources in your local community, including yoga and meditation classes, mindfulness-based stress-reduction programs, and books.

Cope with loss

When someone you love dies, your world changes. There is no right or wrong way to mourn. Although the death of a loved one can feel overwhelming, most people can make it through the grieving process with the support of family and friends. Learn healthy ways to help you through difficult times.

Here are some tips to help cope with loss:

• Take care of yourself. Try to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep. Avoid bad habits—like smoking or drinking alcohol—that can put your health at risk.
• Talk to caring friends. Let others know when you want to talk.
• Find a grief support group. It might help to talk with others who are also grieving.
• Don’t make major changes right away. Wait a while before making big decisions like moving or changing jobs.
• Talk to your doctor if you’re having trouble with everyday activities.
• Consider additional support. Sometimes short-term talk therapy can help.
• Be patient. Mourning takes time. It’s common to have roller-coaster emotions for a while.

Strengthen social connections

Social connections might help protect health and lengthen life. Scientists are finding that people’s links to others can have powerful effects on health—both emotionally and physically. Whether with romantic partners, family, friends, neighbors or others, social connections can influence our biology and wellbeing.

Here are some tips to build healthy support systems:

• Build strong relationships with your kids.
• Get active and share good habits with family and friends.
• If you’re a family caregiver, ask for help from others.
• Join a group focused on a favorite hobby, such as reading, hiking or painting.
• Take a class to learn something new.
• Volunteer for things you care about in your community, like a community garden, school, library or place of worship.
• Travel to different places and meet new people.

Source: U.S. National Institutes of Health, www.nih.gov

Summary

Anger:

• Admit it
• Explore it
• Express it
• Drop it

Mental health experts agree it is important that we handle angry feelings effectively. But how?

Let’s take a look at anger. Anger is a normal human emotion, like love, sadness, fear, and joy. Anger, like all feelings, is always valid. Not all expressions of anger are healthy. When anger is held in, depression, obesity, and other physical symptoms, such as headaches and high blood pressure, can develop. Anger inappropriately turned outward, or externalized, usually takes the form of blaming, aggressive behavior, and even violence.

How we express anger is something we learn as children. Because we learn how to experience anger, we can also learn how to manage it. This four-step approach may help you better handle angry feelings:

Admit it

The next time you feel angry, admit it. Don’t deny feeling angry or try to cover it up. When you take responsibility for your feelings, you can then choose how to express them responsibly. Dispel personal myths about anger such as, “If I get angry, I will be rejected.”

Explore it

Then, explore why you’re angry—identify the source of your feelings. Often your anger is caused by the belief that someone is acting unfairly or some event is unjust. The thoughts that cause anger more often than not have distortions and unrealistic expectations. Adjusting your expectations is the simplest solution.

Express it

Expressing your anger is the next step. Try to put yourself in the driver’s seat before expressing yourself. That is, find a way to calm down a bit first. Put distance between yourself and the source of your anger by taking a break from the situation, going for a walk, and taking a few deep breaths.

Stop—understand your motives and think about your options before you express yourself. When you can talk about the issue without exploding, do so. It is legitimate to say you are angry or displeased with another person. Use constructive language rather than accusations, threats, or name-calling. Use “I” statements to assertively communicate your feelings and to state requests. For example: “I feel angry that you lied to me. I would like you to be honest with me in the future.”

Drop it

The final step is often the hardest. Once you’ve let the object of your anger know how you feel, drop it. Whether the other person changes or not, you’ve done all you can to express your anger in a healthy way and influence the situation. Now you’ve got to let go and move on.

Sometimes we stubbornly hold on to our anger, sulking and punishing those around us because we feel we have a right to be angry. The key issue is this: is it to your advantage to hold on to your anger? Chances are that when you rid yourself of it, you will have greater joy, peace, productivity, and intimacy.

Dos and don’ts when you’re feeling angry

• Do ask yourself: “What is another way of looking at this?”
• Don’t tell another person what she “should” think or feel.
• Do take time out to de-escalate, clarify your position, and think over your options.
• Don’t displace your anger by yelling at your kids or driving aggressively.
• Do be specific when you introduce your gripes and requests.
• Don’t assume you know what others are thinking or that you have all the information about a situation.
• Do try to appreciate the fact that people have different perspectives.
• Don’t use unfair tactics such as blaming, labeling, or threatening.
• Do strive for a “win-win” resolution by considering compromise and negotiation.
• Don’t ever use violence to express your anger or resolve problems.

Resources

The Anger Workbook: An Interactive Guide to Anger Management by Les Carter and Dr. Frank Minirth. Thomas Nelson; Csm Rep edition, 2012.

The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner, PhD, William Morrow Paperbacks, 2014.

The Gift of Anger: Seven Steps to Uncover the Meaning of Anger and Gain Awareness, True Strength, and Peace by Marcia Cannon, PhD, New Harbinger Publications, 2011.

By Karen S. Dickason, L.C.S.W., C.E.A.P.

©2001-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

Forgiveness:

• Has health benefits
• Can be achieved by talking to someone or with meditation

Holding on to the hurt and anger a person causes is bad for your health. Those feelings can follow you into your new relationships and experiences, stopping you from enjoying them fully. Dwelling on bad feelings and memories can lead to depression and make a person feel like life is meaningless.

However, there are many health benefits to forgiveness: less stress and worry, a healthier heart and lower blood pressure, and a stronger immune system and mental state.

There are two types of forgiveness. One is “decisional forgiveness” or deciding to forgive and letting go of any angry or negative thoughts against the person who hurt you. The other is “emotional forgiveness”—replacing those bad feelings with good ones like compassion, sympathy or understanding.

Deciding to forgive

Emotional forgiveness appears to be better for your health. Before you can achieve it, you must first decide to forgive.

Try to recall the events as matter-of-factly as possible. Write them down or say them out loud. Then try to do the same from the other person’s point of view. Consider what you would have done in their position.

If you are finding it hard to see their side, talk to someone you trust. Maybe a friend, advisor or spiritual leader. Think about a time you hurt someone else and they forgave you. How did it feel? Could you pass that on?

Declare, either to the person you are talking to or on a note to yourself, that you are forgiving them.

Commit to the process of forgiving. It is something you will have to work on. The more the person has hurt you, the longer it takes. Saying you forgive them is a first step, but not the only one. Read the note you wrote or ask the person with whom you confided to remind you about your decision.

Focus on healing your emotions

Once you’ve decided to forgive, focus on emotional healing. You can do this with meditation, talk therapy and self-protection (limiting your exposure to people, places, or things that bring up the bad memories). If you need to spend time with the person, accept that it can feel strange or unpleasant at first. Try short meetings. Take deep breaths. Remind yourself that you forgave them. Eventually, you will be able to move on.

If the situation becomes too unpleasant, leave. Relieve your emotions through healthy activities like exercise or writing. By living your life in a positive way, you have control of it. The person who wronged you doesn’t.

It’s important to remember that forgiveness does not mean the person will change or that you will have the same relationship you had before you were hurt. The goal of forgiveness is for you to have a happier, healthier life.

By Jennifer Brick

©2016-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Forgiveness is the process of letting go of hurt, resentment, sadness, anger, hate, a desire for retaliation and a whole host of negative feelings that are associated with hurtful behavior that has been directed at you, someone you care about, or humanity as a whole. Forgiveness is releasing the burden of past pain. The key point to remember about forgiveness is that it is something you do for yourself and for your own well-being.

What forgiveness is not

Forgiveness is not forgetting or denial of wrong action. As a matter of fact, the first step in forgiveness is to acknowledge the fact that you or someone you care about has been hurt by another person:

• Forgiveness is not rationalizing or excusing misbehavior.
• Forgiveness does not give permission for future misbehavior.
• Forgiveness does not require that you continue to be involved with the person who hurt you. You can forgive and still understand that the pain of the other person may be so great that it will continue to leak onto those in the vicinity in the form of hurtful behavior. Self-protection or keeping a distance may be required.

The value of forgiveness

Nelson Mandela said, “Hating someone is drinking poison and expecting the other person to die from it.” This quote introduces you to the importance of forgiveness in living a resilient and happy life. Forgiveness keeps you from poisoning yourself with anger, hate and resentment. There is substantial scientific research supporting the positive health effects of forgiveness. The process of forgiveness has been shown to result in reduced blood pressure and heart rate, less anxiety and a reduction in depression.

Beliefs interfering with forgiveness

Which of these statements describe your beliefs about forgiving someone who has hurt you?

• The hurt was so great, how can I possibly forgive?
• There are some things that can never be forgiven.
• They don’t deserve to be forgiven.
• Why should I forgive? What they did was wrong.
• They have to pay for what they did.
• They’ll suffer if I withhold forgiveness.
• If I don’t retaliate, they’ll (I’ll) think I’m weak.
• Continuing to judge them makes me feel like I’m a better person than they are.
• Why should I show compassion for them? They certainly didn’t care about how I felt.

The key to forgiveness: compassion

Philo of Alexandria said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” This quote provides you with the key to forgiveness, which is compassion. Forgiveness is possible when you understand that when a person behaves badly, that behavior is the person’s own suffering leaking into the world, onto you and onto other people in the form of negative behavior.

When people behave badly toward you, you can be certain that the behavior is not about you, but a reflection of their overall approach to life and the degree of their pain and unhappiness, no matter what they would like you to believe about their behavior. Meanness is pain in disguise.

Forgiveness takes effort

Mignon McLaughlin said, “What we forgive too freely doesn’t stay forgiven.” You must start slowly. Don’t make a list of all of the hurt, anger and resentment you carry that is currently poisoning you. The most difficult step in practicing forgiveness is learning to see the pain behind another’s misbehavior. This takes practice, as with any effort at developing new skills and habits. You will want to start slowly. The first step in learning forgiveness is to start with the practice of compassion, which, as said above, is the key to forgiveness. Part of compassion is to learn to see that everyone is swimming in the same soup—everyone is fighting a great battle.

Practice forgiveness

You will have ample opportunity to practice forgiveness—there is lots of pain leaking into the world, whether it be in the form of rudeness or thoughtlessness, or in the form of more significant misbehavior such as abuse and violence.

Here are some tips to begin practicing forgiveness:

• Identify feelings you have toward other people that are poisoning you with hatred, resentment, hurt and the rest of the negative emotions that keep you stuck in the past and from which you need to heal. Forgiveness is about creating a new future free of this pain.
• Pick one person and identify the hurtful behavior you’d like to forgive. Start small, with a minor misbehavior that you’d like to stop carrying around with you.
• Remind yourself that other people’s hurtful behavior is their pain (their “great battle”) in disguise. If you can, try to understand what that pain is.
• Determine whether the goal is simply forgiveness, or forgiveness and reconciliation (restoring the relationship). Remember that reconciliation requires more than forgiveness. It requires three things of the other person. Consider reconciliation to be your goal only if the following are true:
• The individual acknowledges the misbehavior and apologizes. It’s important to understand that an apology is not about past behavior; it’s really a promise about future behavior. It’s a promise not to do it again. Repeated apologies about the same behavior are nothing more than broken promises and don’t need to be taken seriously.
• The individual asks for forgiveness.
• The individual does not repeat the behavior.

Source: Defense Centers of Excellence for Psychological Health and Traumatic Brain Injury

Summary

People who are actively thankful usually have more energy and a better quality of life.

Many of us don’t think much about our good fortune until November. While Thanksgiving is a yearly event, gratitude for the blessings in your life can be a year-round affair.

Whether it’s a special relationship, a meaningful experience, or hope for the future, we all have much to be grateful for. Experts agree that a good outlook aids mental and physical well-being, so counting those blessings could help your health, increase your happiness, and even help you live longer. The Research Project on Gratitude and Thankfulness at the University of California-Davis has found that people who are actively thankful often have more energy and a better quality of life.

Throw the calendar away and make each day one of thanksgiving. Here are some ways to remember your blessings.

Keep it simple

Maybe you didn’t win the lottery, but you probably caught a glimpse of a gorgeous sunset. Sometimes we miss the little blessings while waiting for big events. The perfect cup of coffee or an unexpected phone call from an old friend are the little things that get us through the week. Don’t take the small, daily joys for granted.

Make a list

Try keeping a “gratitude journal”—a running tally of all the things you’re thankful for. If you keep your list handy, you may find that it lifts your spirits when you’re feeling low. Jot down three blessings each day for a month. Review your list each morning, and see how your mood improves. Researchers at UC Davis report that people who keep gratitude journals tend to be healthier, more hopeful, and more likely to meet personal goals.

Share with others

Once you’ve started the list, start sharing your blessings with others. Whether you’re thankful for your book collection or your weekly basketball game, find a way to bring this joy into someone else’s life. Select a worthy organization or service group and commit to volunteering on a routine basis. If you’re grateful for family and friends, consider working at a local nursing home. If you’re thankful for a comfortable home, call your local branch of Habitat for Humanity.

Teach a child

Your gifts enrich your life, so take the time to share those talents with a child. Whether you play a musical instrument or build websites, your talent is a teaching opportunity. If it’s been a while since you spent time with a child, broaden your social horizons one step at a time. Look for ways to share your knowledge with the younger generation. Your local YMCA, after-school program, or public library will have information about local opportunities.

Send “no reason” cards

Many of us send greeting cards each December. You feel thankful for your family and friends, but may not have time to write long, heartfelt letters. Instead of getting caught in the holiday crunch, let family and friends know how much you love them—by sending cards at some other time of year. If August is less hectic than December, then start a tradition of sending Labor Day letters. The sincerity of the feeling is more important than the date on the postmark.

By Lauren Greenwood de Beer

©2001-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Embrace all emotions.
• Live with imperfection.
• Practice gratitude.

Everyone feels unsure and vulnerable at times. At first thought, these emotions are viewed as weaknesses. Yet, research shows that there is a chance for growth when a person faces his insecurities and vulnerabilities. 

Signs of insecurity

A person who is insecure lacks faith in her own value and skills. She also lacks trust in herself and sometimes in others. Signs of insecurity include:

• Doubting abilities
• Living in fear of making a mistake or of failure
• Trying to keep everyone happy or to get their approval
• Being passive—not speaking up
• Being forceful—bullying or manipulating to try to control other people
• “Steamrolling” others—not listening or being willing to compromise
• Being indecisive
• Second-guessing yourself
• Procrastinating
• Letting others make choices and then complaining
• Having trouble making eye contact, slumping, fidgeting
• Collecting belongings or achievements to prove your worth
• Bragging or talking too much about yourself
• Comparing yourself to others and always feeling you fall short

To face insecurities, a person must be brave and willing to be vulnerable.

Understanding vulnerability

“Vulnerability is not weakness. It is the most accurate measure of courage,” says Brené Brown, researcher and author of Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. She defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.

Vulnerability is often linked to dark emotions such as fear, shame, grief, sadness and disappointment. The truth is vulnerability is at the core of all emotions. To feel is to be vulnerable. Willingness to face vulnerability makes possible the deep feelings:

• Love
• Belonging
• Empathy
• Accountability
• Authenticity
• Creativity
• Change

Avoiding harmful emotions

The wish to avoid feeling dark emotions is understandable. People often withdraw and try to numb harmful feelings with things like drugs, gambling, shopping, working, or eating. While these behaviors can cause a disconnect from harmful feelings, these “quick fixes” can lead to emotional and physical health issues and addiction. Overuse can result in weight gain, drug misuse, debt, and divorce.

Another less clear result is disconnection from good emotions too. Numbing of emotions is not selective: When emotions such as worry, fear and grief are numbed, a split also happens from good emotions such as joy, gratitude and happiness. A person can be left feeling sad, lonely and empty. Embracing all emotions, without withdrawing or self-medicating, lets a person live more fully—“wholeheartedly.”

“Wholehearted” living

Brown says wholehearted people embrace vulnerability and believe that it is not comfortable but basic and necessary. People who are wholehearted have a strong sense of love and belonging, and believe they are worthy. Wholehearted people have:

• Courage to not be perfect, to feel their feelings, and to be “seen”
• Compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others
• Connection by letting go of who they think they should be and being who they are

How to become more wholehearted

1. Embrace all emotions, even the “messy” ones. Do a personal check. Ask yourself: “Am I avoiding emotions by eating too much, staying too busy, shopping, drinking or using drugs?” Being able to notice feelings and talk about them with a trusted friend or counselor can bring comfort from worry, fears and disappointment, among others.
2. Live with imperfection. Know that mistakes, suffering and failure are part of a shared human experience. Change any harmful self-talk to that of a good coach. Name things to make better and set realistic goals for change.
3. Put yourself out there. Love with your whole heart, even if there are no promises. Share your ideas. Speak up for what you believe. Be there for someone else. Listen, be real and empathize.
4. Practice gratitude. Happiness is tied to circumstances while true joy comes from practicing gratitude. A person can find joy in normal moments of routine life. Count blessings each day—thought of in your mind, spoken to a loved one or friend or written in a journal—any method works.

Embracing emotions, facing shortcomings, living without guarantees, and having an attitude of gratitude can lead to growth. It can also lead to a life with deeper meaning, connection, and joy.

By Kris Hooks, MEd, LPC, LMFT, CEAP

©2013-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Bren￩ Brown. Penguin Group, 2012.

For some people, pets are more than companions. They provide psychological support and can help ease anxiety, phobias, or depression. Called emotional support animals, they are considered essential to their humans’ mental health.

If you are thinking of getting an emotional support animal, here are some things to know.

Emotional support animals versus assistance animals

Emotional support animals are often mistaken for assistance animals, which are trained in specific tasks that help someone with a disability. For example, a service dog may be trained to open doors, push buttons, and retrieve objects for someone who uses a wheelchair.

An emotional support animal:

• Can be any species
• Does not have to be trained for a specific task
• Is not allowed in public places with two exceptions: housing that has a “no pets” policy, according to the Fair Housing Act; and on a commercial airline without charge, according to the Air Carrier Access Act.

Note: In both cases, you may need documentation from a mental health professional that your animal provides you with emotional support.

An assistance animal is:

• A dog, although in certain cases, an assistance animal may be a miniature horse
• Trained to do specific work or perform tasks for a person with a disability
• Allowed with its handler into public places, according to the Americans with Disabilities Act

If you want to have your pet documented as an emotional support animal, your doctor or mental health professional may be able to provide the documentation that you need. Be aware that organizations that “certify” your pet as an emotional support animal for a fee may exist solely to make money and may not have you or your animal’s best interests in mind.

Flying with an emotional support animal

If you are considering bringing your animal with you on an airplane, ask yourself the following questions:

• Will my pet be calm and confident in the airport, during takeoff and landing, and while in the air? There have been incidents of animals becoming stressed, anxious, and even aggressive in those situations.
• Is there a chance my animal will relieve himself on the plane? Even fully housebroken pets may have accidents on board because of anxiety.
• Is it fair to put my pet through the experience of flying on a plane?
• Is it fair to the airplane crew and the other passengers to take the chance that my animal may have a bad reaction to flying?

Unless they are specifically trained and socialized to be in public places and on airplanes, most animals do best in their own environments.

You can enjoy the psychological benefits of your pet without having it documented as an emotional support animal. Take some time to consider what is best for both of you.

Source: Military OneSource

Summary

• Research shows that happiness can be lastingly increased.
• You can choose to think and act in ways that make your life more pleasant.

You’re OK. But can you be even better? That’s one of the questions being asked by a burgeoning movement in the mental health field known as “positive psychology.” Unlike most traditional psychological practice, which seeks to understand and heal problems of the mind and emotions, positive psychology delves into what makes us emotionally healthy—that is, happy—and tries to build on those sources of strength to increase our happiness.

Happiness can be increased

Psychologist Martin E.P. Seligman, PhD, a professor at the University of Pennsylvania, sets out the movement’s tenets in his book Authentic Happiness. Contrary to an older scientific view that we all have a “fixed range for happiness, just as we do for weight,” he writes, new research shows that happiness can be lastingly increased. He also disputes psychologists who (following Freud) see happiness as “inauthentic,” an escape from and denial of our fundamentally troubled emotional reality. To him, happiness is natural to the human psyche—hence “authentic.” And positive psychology, he says, shows how to maximize it so that “you can come to live in the upper reaches of your set range of happiness.”

In other words, you can’t change everything about yourself, including much of your environment and your inborn propensity to look on the bright (or dark) side of things. But there’s much that you can control, Seligman says. You can choose to think and act in ways that make your life more pleasant and, ultimately, more meaningful. This latter realm of voluntary factors is the focus of his positive psychology. It’s where he says happiness, through one’s own thoughts and actions, can be learned.

Dispute pessimistic thoughts

Seligman says one can develop habits of positive emotion through methods such as disputing pessimistic thoughts. The key is to treat your own downbeat thinking as if it were coming from another person. Sometimes simply checking the evidence is enough to show that a negative belief is untrue. You may think you “blew” your diet, when an actual calorie count says you haven’t. More generally, he says, you have to recognize your beliefs about yourself for what they are—beliefs only, not facts.

And you need to get in the habit of taking the optimistic tack in explaining events: The bad will pass, the good will last. “Optimistic people,” he writes, “make temporary and specific explanations for bad events, and they make permanent and pervasive explanations for good events.”

Do the right thing

Doing the right thing is another cornerstone of Seligman’s psychology. As the saying goes, virtue—more precisely, acting virtuously by choice, and especially against obstacles—is its own reward. “We feel elevated and inspired when the exercise of will culminates in virtuous action,” he writes. He lists six virtues that he says are universally recognized in cultures and religions throughout history: wisdom, courage, love, justice, temperance and (as a single virtue) spirituality, and transcendence.

Build strength of character

The way to happiness, Seligman says, lies in building up the strengths of character that make the exercise of the virtues possible. The way to wisdom, for instance, can lie through the strengths of curiosity, love of learning, critical thinking, or social intelligence. The virtue courage can be exercised through the strength of valor, but also through other strengths, such as perseverance or integrity.

People don’t have all the strengths in equal measure, but Seligman writes that each person possesses “signature strengths.” These are “strengths of character that a person self-consciously owns, celebrates, and (if she can arrange life successfully) exercises every day in work, love, play, and parenting.” (To “own” a strength means to feel it as truly central to your being, the “real me.”)

Cultivate character, think positively, do good and, as a result, feel good—this, in simple form, is the prescription of positive psychology.

Consider your emotional health

Is happiness this easy to attain? The answer depends in part on how happy or unhappy you already are. Positive psychology is not aimed at those with serious emotional problems. Carol Kauffman, PhD, a Harvard Medical School instructor who specializes in positive psychology, says, “Wherever you are in the happiness continuum, cultivating joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment can bring you up a level or two. However, if you’re depressed, or going through very turbulent times, it is not a replacement for getting help, from a coach or a therapist or physician.”

Take baby steps

Patricia A. Farrell, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author of the book How to Be Your Own Therapist, says that high hopes for change in your life have to be tempered with realism. Happiness springs from actions, but the actions often have to be baby steps. “For instance, shyness is something that keeps people from really engaging in life, but you can’t be expected to just toss aside your shyness and go out and enter a life of politics, or corporate leadership or whatever,” she says. “I tell people to go into a supermarket and ask someone where an item is on a shelf. It’s an easy step to beginning to believe in your ability to be more social.”

Look beyond yourself

The idea that happiness comes from virtuous action, which in turn arises from the cultivation of personal strengths, raises the question of whether it’s right to focus on happiness at all. Is a focus on becoming happier (or less unhappy) a form of unhealthy navel-gazing? Rabbi Dannel Schwartz, author of the book Finding Joy: A Practical Spiritual Guide to Happiness, says, “Trying to negate something like unhappiness gives it too much power over you. Wasn’t it Tolstoy who said, ‘Try not to imagine a polar bear and the first thing you will imagine is a polar bear’?” He urges people to move “out of self-absorption and into an altruism that gives meaning and purpose to life.”

But doing good, by itself, may not be enough. As Farrell says, there is a crucial component of attitude that makes action either fulfilling or dreary. “Everything you do can bring some measure of happiness, if you perceive the happiness inherent in it,” she says. “If you choose to see your work as drudgery, rather than a way to use your ingenuity, your creativity, and your life goals, it will provide no happiness.”

By Tom Gray

©2003-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Patricia A. Farrell, PhD; Carol Kauffman, PhD; Rabbi Dannel Schwartz, Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment by Martin E. P. Seligman.

Summary

• Self-absorption and fear can rob us of a meaningful and joyful life.
• Make one small change at a time.
• Let go of perfectionism.

Do you ever look back on your day and regret wasting time? Do you get distracted, worry too much, or try to get everything perfect? What if you were to feel the same at the end of a year, decade, or even a lifetime?

Self-absorption and fear can rob us of meaning and joy. Life is much better when it isn’t all about you, and you are not so fearful.

Time wasters and joy robbers

Focusing on the self and a healthy dose of fear are basic to survival. It’s when they become out of balance that you see so much of your life wasted. Warning signs are:

• Insecurity: Spending a single minute feeling less than anyone else serves you no good purpose. You are a unique individual with strengths and flaws. Someone else’s good traits in no way diminish yours. 
• Perfectionism: Strangely, this one can be closely linked with insecurity. Since you never will be perfect, you feel less than your ideal. Let go of the belief that you or others or life must be perfect. The hours you spend striving for perfection just might be stealing your peace and happiness. High standards are fine; perfection is an unreasonable goal. 
• Materialism: Do you devote what adds up to years of your life chasing after the newest “thing” out there? What would happen if you wore last year’s shoes or drove an older car? Don’t feel guilty if you enjoy buying the occasional new item. Just ask yourself whether pursuing “things” is out of balance in your life. 
• Worry: Do you waste time fretting over things that might happen but never do? Instead, spend time solving actual problems. If you can’t help but worry, set aside a short period of time each day to do it. If a worry comes up that you can’t do anything about, put it on hold. Remind yourself you can worry about it during the allotted time.
• Controlling: When worry and fear overwhelm you, do you try to control everyone and everything around you? Take a vacation from managing your universe and see what happens. The world still spins. 
• Complaining: This wastes your time and the time of others. Be constructive when you have to point out a negative. Otherwise, let it go.
• Regret: Do you rehash your mistakes and failures? Let your regrets prompt you to learn and grow. Then press on. 
• Guilt: This happens when you cannot get past your regret. Ask for forgiveness of those you have wronged. Make amends, forgive yourself, and get back to living in the present. 

Moving forward

If you see yourself in some of the descriptions above, don’t despair. Awareness is the first step toward making changes.

Everyone wastes time one way or another. Make one small change at a time. If you feel “stuck” in any habit or mindset that wastes your time, talk to a mental health professional, life coach, or other trusted advisor. 

By Laurie M. Stewart

©2006-2022 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

Reflecting on positive memories can boost your mood. Use all your senses to evoke good feelings from the past.

We get mixed messages about the past. We’re told to move on, to live in the moment, to avoid nostalgia. In fact, the dictionary equates nostalgia with being homesick. And certain sights, sounds, and smells can make us sad about the passage of time and those we’ve left behind.

But there’s a flip side to memories, a power to claiming our past that can’t be ignored. Studies show that reflecting on good memories can boost our mood and give us a break from the routine grind of life. They can also nurture a sense of belonging and accomplishment. The trick is to make the time and space to recall good experiences and let yourself relax into the memory.

One way to do this is to use all your senses to evoke good feelings from the past.

Sights

• Invite a friend or family member to spend time looking at old photos.
• If you’re alone, take the time to set the mood with the right music, food, or scented candles. Treat the romp down memory lane as a special occasion.
• Send and old photo to a friend—it will create instant good feelings and start a whole new conversation.
• Be prepared for the mixed feelings that may come and counter them by expressing thanks and gratitude for the people you have known and the experiences you have had.

If you really want to tap into the past, take a day or two and visit your childhood home, school, vacation spot, or other significant venue. Expect a certain amount of wistfulness and nostalgia, maybe even tears. Such returns to youth can be an important landmark in your life, supplying a cleansing, a re-connection with your foundation, and a launching point for moving on to the next phase of your life.

Some people find it best to share such an experience with a loved one; other people need to go it alone. Whatever your choice, own the sense of connection to your past, express thanks for the good moments and people in your life, and gain strength from knowing that you survived any struggles. Then return to the present refreshed and invigorated. 

Sounds

Certain sounds, especially music, are strong memory boosters—the crashing of waves, the rumble of a marching band, an old song from days gone by. Get together with old friends or people your age and dance to music from your era. If the sound of the woods or the ocean brings back thoughts of happy days, buy a CD with the corresponding sound effects and listen to it when you need to unwind.

Smell, taste, and touch

Just as a memory of a bad taste, touch, or smell has the power to make us ill, the memory of a good taste, touch, or smell can bring us much joy and comfort.

Treat yourself to these simple pleasures and savor each taste, touch, or smell sensation. If homemade bread brings back great memories, bake a loaf and let the scent fill the house and lift your mood. Invite a friend over to share the experience. The point is to find ways to add in more of these good memories into your life.

Stay connected

You can always make a new friend but you can never get another “old” friend. Cherish these people and make an effort to keep in touch, even if it’s only a card once a year. Everyone will benefit from the strong sense of connection and intimacy that comes from sharing memories.

Write it down

If you feel stuck or are running out of ideas, jot down memories. You’ll find yourself getting re-involved and re-excited about past triumphs and successes. In fact, you’ll find you’ve accomplished more than you thought. A personal memoir is also a nice keepsake to pass on to friends and family members.

Return the favor

Show elders folks a little sympathy and patience. More and more “reminiscence therapy” is being used with older adults to lessen depression and feelings of isolation, especially those who have dementia or Alzheimer’s disease.

Ask an older friend or relative to show you old photographs and share stories. Don’t worry that you’re going to make him feel sad; chances are you’re giving him a great chance to feel good and vital again.

By Amy Fries

©2006-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives by Jan Yager, Ph.D., Hannacroix Creek Books, 1997; “Sweet Remembrance: Feeling Blue? Try a Shot of Nostalgia” by Marina Krakovsky, Psychology Today, May/June 2006; “Life Review and Reminiscence Therapy,” www.growthhouse.org/lifereview.html

Political conflict and change are normal features of life, but in times of heightened tension and polarization, they can cause widespread anxiety. The more closely a person‘s political stances are tied to their core values and beliefs, the more they may worry about the consequences of elections and other political changes. When “your side“ loses, it can feel like the world is going off track in terrible and permanent ways. You can feel personally threatened in ways that trigger deep and uncomfortable emotions. 

Compounding the emotional effect of political polarization is the constant access to the news through smartphones and other technology, often amplified by social media. It can feel like there‘s no escape from jarring and disturbing headlines. This year in particular, political anxiety is being added to baseline levels of worry that are already elevated by the effects of the COVID-19 pandemic. For many people, it can be a toxic emotional combination. 

How can you manage your anxiety in times of political conflict and change while also remaining engaged in positive ways? After all, civic engagement is the cornerstone of democracy. The more people are involved in positive ways, the healthier our society and our communities will be. Following are some suggestions from mental health experts about how to stay involved while attending to your own wellbeing. 

Stay informed, but set boundaries on your news intake

If you find the news to be emotionally upsetting, set limits on how much you take in. Set aside a short block of time in the morning and early evening to catch up on political developments. Resist the temptation to check the headlines constantly throughout the day. Turn off nonemergency alerts from news feeds so they don‘t constantly grab your attention and distract you. Limit your exposure to political exchanges on social media. 

Instead of waiting for the news to come to you, do research on issues that matter to you, looking at well-researched and reliable sources. In the United States (U.S.), in the fall of 2020, make an extra effort to understand how to vote during the pandemic—how to register and what your options are for mail-in or in-person voting. Early voting might be an option to avoid lines and crowds, for example. If you are worried about mail delays, find out if your community is setting up drop boxes for mail-in ballots. Look at the election pages of your state‘s and community‘s websites to learn about the different ways to vote and any deadlines. Contact your local election commissioner if you have questions.  

If there are delays in tallying final results after the election, try not to focus on premature and changing predictions. Give the process time to come to a conclusion, knowing that in a democracy it‘s the result that matters.  

Be respectful in conversations about politics

In a polarized world, people may sometimes attach evil motives or negative attributes to those who disagree with their positions. Accept that people have different opinions—based on their life experience, their understanding of the world, and their values. Be open to listening to and learning from the views of others. Share your own views, when appropriate, in respectful and thoughtful ways. A good way to hear another person and to be heard is to share the life stories that lie behind their (and your) views and opinions. This gives you an opportunity to connect at a human level and to explore the gray areas of difficult subjects, instead of simply disagreeing based on oversimplified assumptions. Look for the areas where you agree and the experiences you have shared, and build from that.

Be mindful of your surroundings, too, when you express your political views. It‘s generally not appropriate to debate political differences at work, for example, or to force a political conversation on a coworker. Even when you have an interested listener, be aware of who else is within range to hear your conversation and who might be offended or upset by your views. Political discussions among family members or friends with different views can also become emotional. Given how difficult it is to change a person‘s views, consider whether it‘s worth risking important relationships to have those conversations. It may be better to focus on shared interests.

If a conversation about politics becomes heated and unproductive at work or socially, politely step away from it or change the subject. Resist the temptation to get in the last word.

Get involved

One of the most important actions you can take to maintain a sense of control in a turbulent world is to get involved. You can try these ideas:

Find opportunities to volunteer in your community or for a cause you care deeply about.

• Engage in small acts of kindness to neighbors or people in need.
• Attend a city council or town hall meeting to listen and learn about local issues.
• Share your ideas with elected officials and others in your community.
• Volunteer to help with a political campaign.
• Sign up to help your local election board as a poll worker.
• Educate yourself on an issue you care about, and find ways to help organizations that are working to make a difference in that area.

When you take positive and responsible action, it helps your community and society at large. It also helps you overcome feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. 

Take a long-term perspective

One side will win and one will lose in every election, just as one argument will win and one will lose in every court case. But each election and court case are just a step in the longer arc of history. Opposing forces push in one direction, then another, and somehow countries, communities, and individuals get through troubling times. When you find yourself caught up in anxiety about today‘s news, think back to other contentious times and the progress that has been made from generation to generation.

It‘s appropriate to be impatient for changes you think are important and to get involved in pushing for them. But it‘s also important to understand that big changes take time, and that progress rarely follows a straight and steady line. 

Seek calm in your community, mindfulness, faith, or nature

Different people have different ways of finding calm in stressful times. Turn to your circle of supportive friends, practices like mindfulness and meditation, or your faith and community. Time in nature can also help you remove yourself—even if only for a few moments at a time—from the turbulence that is causing stress. With a calmer mind, you‘ll be better able to engage with the world as it is and find some peace. 

Take care of yourself

Take time to enjoy family and friends. This is important even when you can‘t be together in person. Supportive, social connections are key to maintaining physical and mental health.

• Get enough sleep. Follow a consistent bedtime routine, and avoid the stimulation of screen time, alcohol, or caffeine as bedtime approaches.
• Eat a healthy diet. Incorporate plenty of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. Include fish, poultry, and nuts for protein. Avoid packaged foods and foods with added sugar.
• Be physically active. Include a walk or other activity in your daily routine. Physical activity is vital to staying healthy and has an important calming effect.
• Pursue interests and hobbies. Engage in activities that give you pleasure and absorb your full attention. Take an online class to learn a new skill or delve deeper into a lifelong passion.
• Find ways to laugh. Watch a funny movie or TV show. Spend time with friends who can make you laugh. Humor is wonderful medicine to counter worries.
• Avoid ineffective and potentially harmful coping mechanisms. This includes alcohol or substance abuse.

Seek help

If stress feels overwhelming and anxiety, sadness, anger, or other emotions make it hard to cope with your daily routine, seek help. Some emotional challenges are too big to tackle by yourself. A trusted friend may be able to help as a sounding board and sympathetic ear. Or you might benefit from the help of a professional mental health counselor or therapist. Your employee support program can help with short-term strategies for coping with anxiety, and most can help you find a therapist for in-person, telephonic, or video support sessions.

©2020 Workplace Options

Political conflict and change are normal features of life, but in times of heightened tension and polarization, they can cause widespread anxiety. The more closely a person‘s political stances are tied to their core values and beliefs, the more they may worry about the consequences of elections and other political changes. When “your side“ loses, it can feel like the world is going off track in terrible and permanent ways. You can feel personally threatened in ways that trigger deep and uncomfortable emotions. 

Compounding the emotional effect of political polarization is the constant access to the news through smartphones and other technology, often amplified by social media. It can feel like there‘s no escape from jarring and disturbing headlines. This year in particular, political anxiety is being added to baseline levels of worry that are already elevated by the effects of the COVID-19 pandemic. For many people, it can be a toxic emotional combination. 

How can you manage your anxiety in times of political conflict and change while also remaining engaged in positive ways? After all, civic engagement is the cornerstone of democracy. The more people are involved in positive ways, the healthier our society and our communities will be. Following are some suggestions from mental health experts about how to stay involved while attending to your own wellbeing. 

Stay informed, but set boundaries on your news intake

If you find the news to be emotionally upsetting, set limits on how much you take in. Set aside a short block of time in the morning and early evening to catch up on political developments. Resist the temptation to check the headlines constantly throughout the day. Turn off nonemergency alerts from news feeds so they don‘t constantly grab your attention and distract you. Limit your exposure to political exchanges on social media. 

Instead of waiting for the news to come to you, do research on issues that matter to you, looking at well-researched and reliable sources. In the United States (U.S.), in the fall of 2020, make an extra effort to understand how to vote during the pandemic—how to register and what your options are for mail-in or in-person voting. Early voting might be an option to avoid lines and crowds, for example. If you are worried about mail delays, find out if your community is setting up drop boxes for mail-in ballots. Look at the election pages of your state‘s and community‘s websites to learn about the different ways to vote and any deadlines. Contact your local election commissioner if you have questions.  

If there are delays in tallying final results after the election, try not to focus on premature and changing predictions. Give the process time to come to a conclusion, knowing that in a democracy it‘s the result that matters.  

Be respectful in conversations about politics

In a polarized world, people may sometimes attach evil motives or negative attributes to those who disagree with their positions. Accept that people have different opinions—based on their life experience, their understanding of the world, and their values. Be open to listening to and learning from the views of others. Share your own views, when appropriate, in respectful and thoughtful ways. A good way to hear another person and to be heard is to share the life stories that lie behind their (and your) views and opinions. This gives you an opportunity to connect at a human level and to explore the gray areas of difficult subjects, instead of simply disagreeing based on oversimplified assumptions. Look for the areas where you agree and the experiences you have shared, and build from that.

Be mindful of your surroundings, too, when you express your political views. It‘s generally not appropriate to debate political differences at work, for example, or to force a political conversation on a coworker. Even when you have an interested listener, be aware of who else is within range to hear your conversation and who might be offended or upset by your views. Political discussions among family members or friends with different views can also become emotional. Given how difficult it is to change a person‘s views, consider whether it‘s worth risking important relationships to have those conversations. It may be better to focus on shared interests.

If a conversation about politics becomes heated and unproductive at work or socially, politely step away from it or change the subject. Resist the temptation to get in the last word.

Get involved

One of the most important actions you can take to maintain a sense of control in a turbulent world is to get involved. You can try these ideas:

Find opportunities to volunteer in your community or for a cause you care deeply about.

• Engage in small acts of kindness to neighbors or people in need.
• Attend a city council or town hall meeting to listen and learn about local issues.
• Share your ideas with elected officials and others in your community.
• Volunteer to help with a political campaign.
• Sign up to help your local election board as a poll worker.
• Educate yourself on an issue you care about, and find ways to help organizations that are working to make a difference in that area.

When you take positive and responsible action, it helps your community and society at large. It also helps you overcome feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. 

Take a long-term perspective

One side will win and one will lose in every election, just as one argument will win and one will lose in every court case. But each election and court case are just a step in the longer arc of history. Opposing forces push in one direction, then another, and somehow countries, communities, and individuals get through troubling times. When you find yourself caught up in anxiety about today‘s news, think back to other contentious times and the progress that has been made from generation to generation.

It‘s appropriate to be impatient for changes you think are important and to get involved in pushing for them. But it‘s also important to understand that big changes take time, and that progress rarely follows a straight and steady line. 

Seek calm in your community, mindfulness, faith, or nature

Different people have different ways of finding calm in stressful times. Turn to your circle of supportive friends, practices like mindfulness and meditation, or your faith and community. Time in nature can also help you remove yourself—even if only for a few moments at a time—from the turbulence that is causing stress. With a calmer mind, you‘ll be better able to engage with the world as it is and find some peace. 

Take care of yourself

Take time to enjoy family and friends. This is important even when you can‘t be together in person. Supportive, social connections are key to maintaining physical and mental health.

• Get enough sleep. Follow a consistent bedtime routine, and avoid the stimulation of screen time, alcohol, or caffeine as bedtime approaches.
• Eat a healthy diet. Incorporate plenty of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. Include fish, poultry, and nuts for protein. Avoid packaged foods and foods with added sugar.
• Be physically active. Include a walk or other activity in your daily routine. Physical activity is vital to staying healthy and has an important calming effect.
• Pursue interests and hobbies. Engage in activities that give you pleasure and absorb your full attention. Take an online class to learn a new skill or delve deeper into a lifelong passion.
• Find ways to laugh. Watch a funny movie or TV show. Spend time with friends who can make you laugh. Humor is wonderful medicine to counter worries.
• Avoid ineffective and potentially harmful coping mechanisms. This includes alcohol or substance abuse.

Seek help

If stress feels overwhelming and anxiety, sadness, anger, or other emotions make it hard to cope with your daily routine, seek help. Some emotional challenges are too big to tackle by yourself. A trusted friend may be able to help as a sounding board and sympathetic ear. Or you might benefit from the help of a professional mental health counselor or therapist. Your employee support program can help with short-term strategies for coping with anxiety, and most can help you find a therapist for in-person, telephonic, or video support sessions.

©2020 Workplace Options

Summary

Drivers who experience road rage often have personal or professional issues that are causing them stress.

Although expressing anger assertively can be an appropriate way of coping with stress, aggressive behavior on the road often is against the law and can be life threatening. Instead, learn ways to manage stress and appropriately channel pent-up anger or frustration to make your commute more pleasant and safe.

Manage stress before you get behind the wheel

Because anger is an emotional response to stress, managing stress is an obvious way to reduce the likelihood of an angry blowup behind the wheel. Try to figure out what is really causing your anger — maybe your boss is hard to handle or perhaps marital problems are to blame. Once you identify the real stressors in your life, you can seek the support you need to start dealing with these problems.

Lifestyle choices such as eating right, exercising, finding time to relax and getting enough sleep are among the best methods for reducing overall stress. But you also can do a few small things to immediately improve your mood before getting behind the wheel. Few people experience road rage when they are in good spirits:

• Give yourself plenty of time to reach your destination. If you are running late, your drive will be stressful from the start.
• Check in with a co-worker or friend who makes you laugh. Smiling relaxes tense facial muscles and uplifts spirits.
• Call your spouse, kids, or someone else you love to tell them you’re on your way home.
• Listen to soothing music.
• Grab a snack if you’re hungry or a caffeinated beverage if you feel fatigued.
• Take a short walk and stretch.
• Change into comfortable clothing.

Keep your cool

Realistically, most drivers experience flared tempers now and then — most likely during peak travel times, particularly Friday afternoons, according to research. Next time you find yourself going from simmer to boil, take these steps to lower your heart rate and calm yourself down:

• Count backward.
• Breathe in and out deeply.
• Tense and relax your muscles.
• Visualize a relaxing experience or someone or something that makes you happy.
• Slowly repeat to yourself aloud a phrase such as “take it easy” or “stay calm.”
• Try to replace irrational, angry thoughts with logical ones. Instead of saying, “This traffic is a nightmare — I’ll never make it to work,” try “Traffic is heavy and I’m frustrated, but getting angry won’t get me to work any faster.”

When the other driver is aggressive

• Keep in mind that other people’s bad driving is not about you. So if a car rides your bumper or cuts you off, don’t take it personally. Slow down to let the car go around you and on its way.
• Don’t try to get even. Doing so is not worth your life or someone else’s.
• Consider taking the blame, even if you didn’t do anything wrong. Look up, wave, and mouth “I’m sorry.” Then, let it go.
• Don’t stop to talk to a hostile driver.

By Christine P. Martin

©2000-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

Drivers who experience road rage often have personal or professional issues that are causing them stress.

Although expressing anger assertively can be an appropriate way of coping with stress, aggressive behavior on the road often is against the law and can be life threatening. Instead, learn ways to manage stress and appropriately channel pent-up anger or frustration to make your commute more pleasant and safe.

Manage stress before you get behind the wheel

Because anger is an emotional response to stress, managing stress is an obvious way to reduce the likelihood of an angry blowup behind the wheel. Try to figure out what is really causing your anger — maybe your boss is hard to handle or perhaps marital problems are to blame. Once you identify the real stressors in your life, you can seek the support you need to start dealing with these problems.

Lifestyle choices such as eating right, exercising, finding time to relax and getting enough sleep are among the best methods for reducing overall stress. But you also can do a few small things to immediately improve your mood before getting behind the wheel. Few people experience road rage when they are in good spirits:

• Give yourself plenty of time to reach your destination. If you are running late, your drive will be stressful from the start.
• Check in with a co-worker or friend who makes you laugh. Smiling relaxes tense facial muscles and uplifts spirits.
• Call your spouse, kids, or someone else you love to tell them you’re on your way home.
• Listen to soothing music.
• Grab a snack if you’re hungry or a caffeinated beverage if you feel fatigued.
• Take a short walk and stretch.
• Change into comfortable clothing.

Keep your cool

Realistically, most drivers experience flared tempers now and then — most likely during peak travel times, particularly Friday afternoons, according to research. Next time you find yourself going from simmer to boil, take these steps to lower your heart rate and calm yourself down:

• Count backward.
• Breathe in and out deeply.
• Tense and relax your muscles.
• Visualize a relaxing experience or someone or something that makes you happy.
• Slowly repeat to yourself aloud a phrase such as “take it easy” or “stay calm.”
• Try to replace irrational, angry thoughts with logical ones. Instead of saying, “This traffic is a nightmare — I’ll never make it to work,” try “Traffic is heavy and I’m frustrated, but getting angry won’t get me to work any faster.”

When the other driver is aggressive

• Keep in mind that other people’s bad driving is not about you. So if a car rides your bumper or cuts you off, don’t take it personally. Slow down to let the car go around you and on its way.
• Don’t try to get even. Doing so is not worth your life or someone else’s.
• Consider taking the blame, even if you didn’t do anything wrong. Look up, wave, and mouth “I’m sorry.” Then, let it go.
• Don’t stop to talk to a hostile driver.

By Christine P. Martin

©2000-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Look inside yourself to identify shame and guilt.
• If you feel guilty, make it right.
• Build “shame resilience.”

Just mentioning the words guilt and shame can cause bad responses—feelings of inadequacies, regrets, hurtful words, bad thoughts, or painful experiences. Although not often talked about, these feelings offer chances to courageously learn about yourself and to heal emotionally.

Differences between shame and guilt

Shame focuses on the core of a person’s being with the belief “I am a bad person,” while guilt is about regrets over your actions: “I did something bad.” Shame says “I am a mistake” while guilt says “I made a mistake.”

Author John Bradshaw, Ph.D. calls shame “toxic” and says it is the fuel for most harmful, compulsive, addictive behaviors. Shame causes inward-focused actions such as self-treating emotions with substances (food, alcohol, or drugs) or avoiding others. Feelings of shame are highly correlated with addiction, aggression, violence, depression, bullying, suicide, and eating disorders.

Guilt can drive outward behavior change such as paying a speeding ticket or apologizing. A person’s ability to feel guilt can be a call to take action.

Shame by gender

The experience of shame for males and females is not the same, says author Brené Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W.

For females, shame is like a straightjacket. Most women grow up thinking that being all things to all people is what makes a woman great. Women typically define themselves and get their sense of self from their roles—employee, wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, etc. Our society also places expectations on females for behavior such as “to be nice, thin, modest, calm, loving, self-sacrificing.” This creates a web of unattainable, conflicting roles and expectations for females. When females fall short, feelings of inadequacy can lead to guilt and, even worse, shame.

To conform to societal norms, men are expected to be strong at all costs—both physically and emotionally—to be exceptional providers, work hard at all times, be emotionally in control, and never be afraid. Being viewed as weak in any form by anyone is shameful. Men are expected to succeed—at work, on the football field, in marriage, as a parent.

What helps in the face of guilt and shame

Guilt can lead to good changes, but shame is always harmful. When a person feels badly about her behavior, that guilt can drive an apology and the wish to make amends. When a person feels ashamed, she can be paralyzed because she feels like an outsider, flawed, full of self-loathing, fearing rejection, and unworthy of acceptance. A person who feels shame is more likely to keep doing the actions that cause it, getting stuck in a downward spiral. Addressing guilt, choosing to be accountable, and to do something to make the situation better can create an upward spiral.  

Guilt and shame: Steps for growth

• Look inside yourself and identify shame and guilt. Listen to self-talk about your looks, work, career, money, marriage, spouse, parenting, kids, friends, health, intelligence, even your upbringing. Look at any stereotyping or labeling. Do you hear shame talking, believing you are flawed at the core? Messages like “I’m never good enough” are a red flag for shame.

Guilt can come when a person feels to blame for an action he regrets. Values and conscience determine feelings of guilt. An example might be saying hurtful words out of anger. Guilt can motivate an apology—a wish to mend the damage.

• If you feel guilty, make it right. Measure your level of responsibility for what happened and the seriousness of the results. A sincere apology has the potential to help heal wounds both for the person who feels guilty and for the one wronged. Take responsibility for your actions and recognize the feelings of the person hurt, even if your aim was not to be hurtful. Work on forgiving yourself. See mistakes as learning opportunities, not personal failures.
• Build “shame resilience.” Brown says this can be developed. It calls for courage—the ability to be authentic and to share your story with someone empathetic and understanding. Shame grows in an environment of secrecy, silence, and judgment and dissipates with courage, compassion, and connection. To foster shame resilience, be gentle with yourself, reach out and connect with a nonjudgmental family member, friend, or counselor.
• Seek help if you feel stuck. Professional, private help is available through your employee assistance program (available through some employers or health plans) or other mental health professionals.

By Kris Hooks, MEd, LPC, LMFT, CEAP

©2013-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Bren￩ Brown, PhD, LMSW, John Bradshaw, PhD

Summary

Overthinking:

• Does not solve problems
• Makes you feel worse
• Can be changed

If you have a hard time turning off your mind from a constant churning over just about everything, you may suffer from “overthinking.”

In Eating, Drinking, Overthinking, author Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, PhD, explains that you are an overthinker if you frequently:

• Roll potential decisions over in your mind again and again
• Question motives in yourself and others
• Rehash past events and try to find meaning in them
• Analyze your moods or personality
• Think about your thinking
• Feel you need to notice, fix, and control “what’s wrong”

Consider these examples of overthinking

• Jan’s friend Lisa hadn’t returned her phone calls for several days. Jan couldn’t recall any problems, but she spent a considerable amount of time each day replaying recent conversations with Lisa in her mind. Jan created scenarios in her mind that pointed the blame at herself, and she became convinced the friendship was over.
• After waiting for the price of flat-screen televisions to go down, David finally purchased one. But then, he began to fret and think repeatedly that maybe he should have waited longer, shopped around even more, saved the money for something else, etc.

The problem with overthinking

Do you have a hard time turning off your mind from a constant churning over just about everything? You may suffer from “overthinking.”

In Eating, Drinking, Overthinking, author Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, PhD, explains that you are an overthinker if you frequently:

• Roll potential decisions over in your mind again and again
• Rehash past events and try to find meaning in them
• Analyze your moods or personality
• Think about your thinking
• Feel you need to notice, fix, and control “what’s wrong”

Consider these examples of overthinking

• Jan’s friend Lisa hadn’t returned her phone calls for several days. Jan spent a lot of time each day replaying recent conversations with Lisa in her mind. Jan imagined scenes that pointed the blame at herself, and she became convinced the friendship was over.
• After waiting for the price of a new line of laptops to go down, David finally bought one. But then, he began to think repeatedly that maybe he should have waited longer, shopped around even more, saved the money for something else, etc.

The problem with overthinking

You may wonder, “So what if I overthink?” Overthinking rarely accomplishes what you hope it will. Consider what typically sets overthinking in motion:

• A stressful event
• Something you believe needs fixing
• A desire to be in control
• Uncertainty
• A negative emotion

Overthinking is more likely after something upsetting. Your thoughts may snowball into confusion or anxiety. This makes you less likely to take positive action.

How to stop

At this point, you may see your overthinking habit as a problem that needs fixing. How do you get relief?

For starters, accept that overthinking does not help. Until you can see that it doesn’t solve problems, you’re not likely to want to change. Once you agree that overthinking is not worthwhile, other steps you can take are to:

• Catch yourself overthinking
• Find a healthy distraction:
• Exercise
• Listen to uplifting music
• Pursue a hobby
• Count your blessings
• Practice mindfulness: shift your attention to the sights and sounds around you or focus on taking slow, deep breaths
• Set a timer: if you simply must overthink something, allow yourself a limited time to do so, then STOP!

If you feel overwhelmed by negative or repetitive thoughts, consider getting help from a mental health professional.

By Laurie M. Stewart

©2010-2022 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Learn from it.
• Don’t take it personally.
• Don’t overanalyze it.
• Distract yourself.

No one likes it, but you can’t get through life without experiencing some amount of rejection.

The first experiences are particularly painful. In fact, scientists have determined that the brain responds to rejection as if it were real physical pain. That’s why we often feel “crushed” or “heavy hearted” afterward. This response most likely develops as a survival mechanism. As a social species, humans need each other, which is why rejection can cut to the core—to our very sense of self-worth.

The good news is that we can develop coping skills to lessen the sting. If we can’t control the incident, we can at least control our response to it.

Taking risks is part of life

If you’ve recently been rejected, either personally or professionally, congratulate yourself. Why? Because you’re out there playing the game, you’re taking risks and living life. Some people become so afraid of rejection that they become emotionally paralyzed. If you don’t try, you’ll never succeed.

Know, however, that the riskier your ambitions, the more you’ll be rejected. Artists, writers, athletes, entrepreneurs—all those pursuing tough competitive fields—know that rejection is part of the process.

Build up immunity to it

Tell yourself that the rejection didn’t kill you—you’re here to fight or love another day. Here are some coping suggestions:

• Learn from the rejection. If possible, find out why you were turned down. You may gain insight needed to sharpen your skills for the next time around.
• Don’t take it personally. More than likely, the rejection has nothing to do with you or your talents. Every person and organization has differing needs, and maybe you weren’t the best fit at this time. Or maybe the person who rejected you was having a bad day or has bad taste.
• Resist the urge to overanalyze. You need to recognize the hurt but not wallow in it. When it comes to rejection, a little bit of blocking, detaching, and rationalizing can go a long way to cushion the blow. Positive people can separate from life’s let-downs, while those who tend toward depression spend too much time dwelling on the negative. 
• Recognize that rejection can be a great motivator. Learn to take slights and turn them into fuel for victories. But don’t fall into the revenge trap. Chronic anger depletes energy and deflects you from your goals. So go ahead and write a nasty letter to the offending party, but then put it in the proverbial freezer. When you read it later, you’ll be thankful you didn’t send it.
• Know your strengths and weaknesses and be prepared to adapt. If you find that you’re consistently striking out with similar people or jobs, you might want to re-evaluate strategies and goals. Don’t give up your dreams, but look for realistic ways to fulfill them.
• Distract yourself with positive activities. This is no time to crawl into a hole. Though you might start with instant gratification diversions—like eating a pint of ice cream—try to factor in activities that offer more long-term benefits. Some suggestions include:
• Call friends and relatives for support.
• Get out of the house. Go for a walk or take a long dreamed of vacation.
• Laugh even if you have to fake it. Laughter has tremendous therapeutic value.
• Exercise. Work up a sweat. Get those pain-killing endorphins flowing.
• Set small goals that have nothing to do with the source of rejection—sign up for an art course or attend a motivational lecture.
• Let nature soothe your soul. A day in the mountains or on a lake can help put your temporary setback into perspective.
• Volunteer—give to someone who needs love/attention/support more than you.

If you’ve gone through a particularly serious rejection, recognize that you’ll go through the stages of grief: denial (shock), anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. You may find that counseling helps.

Remember, we learn from suffering and value that which is hard won. At the very least, experiencing rejection can make us more compassionate and humble people.

By Amy Fries

©2005-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: “Coping with a Job Loss” by Robin Ryan, 2003; “Rebounding After a Rejection” by Jacqueline Fitzgerald, Chicago Tribune, July 9, 2003; “Rejection Protection” by Melissa Ezarik, Current Health, February 2001; “Rejection Really Hurts,” University of California—Los Angeles, public release, Oct. 9, 2003; “The Sadness and Pain of Rejection,” Harvard Mental Health Letter, June 2004; “Strategies for Coping with Rejection,” University of Denver, Jamey Collins, LCSW, www.du.edu, Jan. 13, 2004.

Taking care of your mental health is as important as taking care of your physical health. As the World Health Organization puts it, “Mental health is an integral part of health; indeed, there is no health without mental health.”

Here are some key ways to take care of your mental health so you have the resilience to cope with life’s ups and downs, adapt to change and maintain healthy relationships.

Take care of your physical health

The human mind and body are connected. When you take care of your body, you also take care of your mental health. Consider these recommendations:

• Be physically active. Exercise can lift your mood and your energy level, reduce stress and help with the symptoms of depression and anxiety. When you engage in regular physical activity, you sleep better, think more clearly and regulate your emotions more effectively. Find ways to be active that you enjoy, and build them into your daily and weekly routine.
• Eat a variety of healthy foods. What you eat can have a direct effect on your mood and energy level. Eat plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables plus lean protein and whole grains. Avoid processed foods as well as foods with added sugar and salt, and limit your consumption of alcohol. Find a mix of foods you enjoy that sustain your energy while giving you the nutrients and vitamins you need to thrive.
• Sleep well. You need adequate sleep to think clearly, stay focused and regulate your emotions. Adopt healthy sleep habits by going to bed and getting up at the same time every day; winding down in the hour before bedtime in low light without electronic devices; and avoiding large meals, caffeine and alcohol late in the day.

Accept yourself

Every person is different, and no one is perfect. Accept yourself for who you are, and take pride in your unique strengths and quirks. When you find yourself being self-critical, pause and reflect on what’s good about you — why your friends love and appreciate you and all of the things you do well. If negative self-talk (the critical voice inside your head) is holding you back and making you unhappy, consider talking with a professional counselor to learn new skills for weakening that negative voice and strengthening your positive self-image.

Strengthen social connections

Social connections — your friends and family, the people you spend time with and talk to — are a key element in your mental health. Make time for the people you care about, especially the people with whom you’re able to discuss your emotions. Pay attention to who in your social network lifts your mood when you’re feeling down and who is open and honest with you when you’re seeing things in an unrealistic way. Cultivate these connections, and strengthen them by providing the same emotional support in return.

Calm yourself

When you’re dealing with a stressful situation or feel your body growing tense, take time out to calm yourself. Learn stress-reducing techniques like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation and mindfulness, and use the ones that work for you to relax your body and your mind. Physical activity, healthy sleep habits and time with friends can all help to reduce your stress.

Practice healthy thinking

Build your emotional resilience by adopting positive habits of thought. Practicing gratitude is one way to do this. Take time every day to think about what you are grateful for, and write it down. Positive reframing is another way. When you have a negative reaction to something, step back and reconsider things in a positive light, looking for the opportunity in the situation or the good in the other person and yourself. Work to solve problems one step at a time.

Talk about how you feel

When you’re sad, worried or upset, talk about what you’re going through with someone you trust. When you hold those feelings inside yourself, they can build, becoming more intense and uncomfortable. When you talk about them, you begin to process your emotions, understand what lies behind them and find ways to solve the problems you’re facing. A phone call or a cup of coffee with a friend may be all it takes. For deeper or longer-lasting emotional challenges, it may help to talk with a professional counselor.

Do something that absorbs your mind

If there’s an activity you enjoy or a skill you’d like to learn, make time for it. Focus on something that absorbs your full attention. That might be making something, playing music, singing, writing, cooking or gardening. It might be restoring an old car, making an improvement to your home or playing a sport. The best activity is one you can get lost in, that brings you into a state called flow, where you are fully engaged and forget about worries and negative thoughts.

Find purpose and meaning in life

Everyone finds purpose and meaning in life in different ways. It can be through spirituality or religious practice, caring relationships with others, helping people in need or doing work that in some way makes the world a better place. If you don’t find purpose and meaning in your job or your daily life, look for other ways to find this satisfaction. Consider volunteering, paying more attention to the relationships in your life, exploring your spirituality or simply looking for new ways to be kind.

Ask for help when you need it

When you’re suffering emotionally and nothing seems to help, reach out for support. Your doctor can direct you to a professional counselor who can help you cope with the challenges you’re facing. 

The earlier you get help, the better. Don’t put it off until you’re in crisis.

©2021 Workplace Options

Taking care of your mental health is as important as taking care of your physical health. As the World Health Organization puts it, “Mental health is an integral part of health; indeed, there is no health without mental health.”

Here are some key ways to take care of your mental health so you have the resilience to cope with life’s ups and downs, adapt to change and maintain healthy relationships.

Take care of your physical health

The human mind and body are connected. When you take care of your body, you also take care of your mental health. Consider these recommendations:

• Be physically active. Exercise can lift your mood and your energy level, reduce stress and help with the symptoms of depression and anxiety. When you engage in regular physical activity, you sleep better, think more clearly and regulate your emotions more effectively. Find ways to be active that you enjoy, and build them into your daily and weekly routine.
• Eat a variety of healthy foods. What you eat can have a direct effect on your mood and energy level. Eat plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables plus lean protein and whole grains. Avoid processed foods as well as foods with added sugar and salt, and limit your consumption of alcohol. Find a mix of foods you enjoy that sustain your energy while giving you the nutrients and vitamins you need to thrive.
• Sleep well. You need adequate sleep to think clearly, stay focused and regulate your emotions. Adopt healthy sleep habits by going to bed and getting up at the same time every day; winding down in the hour before bedtime in low light without electronic devices; and avoiding large meals, caffeine and alcohol late in the day.

Accept yourself

Every person is different, and no one is perfect. Accept yourself for who you are, and take pride in your unique strengths and quirks. When you find yourself being self-critical, pause and reflect on what’s good about you — why your friends love and appreciate you and all of the things you do well. If negative self-talk (the critical voice inside your head) is holding you back and making you unhappy, consider talking with a professional counselor to learn new skills for weakening that negative voice and strengthening your positive self-image.

Strengthen social connections

Social connections — your friends and family, the people you spend time with and talk to — are a key element in your mental health. Make time for the people you care about, especially the people with whom you’re able to discuss your emotions. Pay attention to who in your social network lifts your mood when you’re feeling down and who is open and honest with you when you’re seeing things in an unrealistic way. Cultivate these connections, and strengthen them by providing the same emotional support in return.

Calm yourself

When you’re dealing with a stressful situation or feel your body growing tense, take time out to calm yourself. Learn stress-reducing techniques like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation and mindfulness, and use the ones that work for you to relax your body and your mind. Physical activity, healthy sleep habits and time with friends can all help to reduce your stress.

Practice healthy thinking

Build your emotional resilience by adopting positive habits of thought. Practicing gratitude is one way to do this. Take time every day to think about what you are grateful for, and write it down. Positive reframing is another way. When you have a negative reaction to something, step back and reconsider things in a positive light, looking for the opportunity in the situation or the good in the other person and yourself. Work to solve problems one step at a time.

Talk about how you feel

When you’re sad, worried or upset, talk about what you’re going through with someone you trust. When you hold those feelings inside yourself, they can build, becoming more intense and uncomfortable. When you talk about them, you begin to process your emotions, understand what lies behind them and find ways to solve the problems you’re facing. A phone call or a cup of coffee with a friend may be all it takes. For deeper or longer-lasting emotional challenges, it may help to talk with a professional counselor.

Do something that absorbs your mind

If there’s an activity you enjoy or a skill you’d like to learn, make time for it. Focus on something that absorbs your full attention. That might be making something, playing music, singing, writing, cooking or gardening. It might be restoring an old car, making an improvement to your home or playing a sport. The best activity is one you can get lost in, that brings you into a state called flow, where you are fully engaged and forget about worries and negative thoughts.

Find purpose and meaning in life

Everyone finds purpose and meaning in life in different ways. It can be through spirituality or religious practice, caring relationships with others, helping people in need or doing work that in some way makes the world a better place. If you don’t find purpose and meaning in your job or your daily life, look for other ways to find this satisfaction. Consider volunteering, paying more attention to the relationships in your life, exploring your spirituality or simply looking for new ways to be kind.

Ask for help when you need it

When you’re suffering emotionally and nothing seems to help, reach out for support. Your doctor can direct you to a professional counselor who can help you cope with the challenges you’re facing. 

The earlier you get help, the better. Don’t put it off until you’re in crisis.

©2021 Workplace Options

When faced with an unexpected change, many people immediately characterize it as “bad” and have a negative reaction—often driven by fear of what might come next. When another person gets on their nerves, they may leap to a negative opinion, ascribing bad motives to their actions. When something goes wrong, they can be overly critical of themselves. Sound familiar? These are often impulsive responses based on unfounded assumptions. They can drive stress, lower your mood, and get in the way of productive action.

In reality, the change that’s happening is neither bad nor good — It’s your reaction to it that’s negative. The person you are irritated by may simply have a different style of communicating than you, and the best of intentions. And what went wrong may not have been your fault. When you look at an event or a person through a negative frame, you’re setting yourself up for stress and unhappiness and placing an obstacle in your forward path.

By shifting the frame through which you view something — what some people call positive reframing — you can often turn that negative reaction around. When you do, you’ll find opportunities for personal growth, closer collaboration, and better outcomes.

What is positive reframing?

Positive reframing is the technique of looking at things in new ways to find the positive in them — the opportunities in change, the good in other people, and the strengths in yourself. It’s the simple act of changing your point of view.

While the idea of positive reframing is simple, it can take practice to make it work for you. It involves changing habits of thought. When you notice yourself having a negative reaction to an event or another person, or disheartening thoughts about yourself, positive reframing is a tool that can open your mind to more positive thoughts and possibilities.

How positive reframing can help you

Positive reframing doesn’t change the situation you’re facing or the people you’re dealing with. It changes your responses to those realities, enabling you to deal with them in productive and positive ways. By taking a more flexible and open-minded approach, positive reframing can help you do the following:

• Reduce stress
• Be more resilient
• Improve relationships
• See and act on new opportunities
• Be more thoughtful and open-minded
• Find greater happiness in life

Reframing events and situations

• When a change happens, instead of focusing on what could go wrong for you, think about new opportunities the change might present.
• When you suffer a setback, instead of catastrophizing and seeing a steady downward path ahead, look for ways to turn the situation around.
• Look for the humor in tough situations. Find ways to laugh at what’s absurd while working to make the best of a difficult time.
• Instead of feeling defeated and hopeless, think about where you can take action — even a small first step to start making a situation better.
• Avoid words like “can’t” and “impossible” when thinking about a challenge. Recognize that it may be difficult, but assume that you “can.”
• Think of the stress from a new challenge as a form of energy — invigorating and exciting rather than draining and debilitating.

The goal here is to step back from a narrow and negative view of a situation and look for new perspectives that can lead to opportunities and personal growth.

Reframing your perceptions of other people

• Instead of seeing someone as impulsive, see them as spontaneous.
• Instead of seeing someone as stubborn, see them as committed and persistent.
• Instead of seeing someone as fearful, see them as thoughtful and careful.
• Instead of seeing someone as loud, see them as exuberant and confident.

The idea here is to turn negative assessments of people into more generous and positive views. Positive reframing in your relationships with others involves looking for the good in people rather than assuming and focusing on the bad.

Reframing how you think about yourself

• When you make a mistake, instead of coming down hard on yourself, think about what you can learn from the situation so that you can do better in the future.
• Be kind to yourself. If you find yourself being overly self-critical, imagine how you would talk to a friend in your situation.

Positive reframing can help you turn self-talk into a motivating boost rather than a discouraging critique.

Practicing gratitude

Making time to think about what you are grateful for is another form of positive reframing. It pushes your thinking from the negative to the positive aspects of life to remind you what is going well.

Try it for yourself

Positive reframing takes some effort, especially at first. It’s like changing any other habit—in this case, the habit of reflexive negative thinking. With practice, though, it gets easier. Here are some ways to build the positive-reframing habit:

• Pay attention to quick and impulsive negative reactions to events and people. When you catch yourself in these thought patterns, make a concerted effort to replace those negative reactions with more positive and open-minded views of the situation. What might be another explanation for this? How might that new view open the door to something positive?
• Look for what you can change, what’s within your span of control. You can’t change market forces that are affecting your job or, usually, the behavior of other people. But there’s always some aspect of the situation that you can change. Your reaction to it is one aspect. There may be others, too, and those could lead to new opportunities.
• Examine what’s causing you stress. What are you worried about or fearful of? Are those worries and fears reasonable? How might you look at and react to the things that are causing you stress to defuse tension and turn them into positives?
• Find the humor. Even in the worst situations, there’s always something absurd that you can laugh at. Laughter will lift your spirits, helping you turn negative thoughts into positive strategies.
• Focus on positive outcomes. When you feel overwhelmed by a challenge, look ahead to the end result and the progress that you’re making. Look back, too, at the progress you’ve made and past accomplishments. Too often, people move quickly from one task or challenge to another without taking time to recognize and celebrate their successes.
• Break the catastrophizing habit. It’s easy, and not usually helpful, to jump to visions of worst-case scenarios. Turn this tendency on its head by realistically considering the worst thing that could happen. Say it out loud or write it down. Now think about how likely that outcome actually is and how bad it really would be. How might you cope with that situation? What might you do to reduce the risk of it happening? You’ll probably find that the worst-case scenario is neither as likely nor as bad as you are imagining.

Bad things do happen in life, and many of them are out of your control. You will encounter difficult or aggravating people. You may be in the habit of over-criticizing yourself. Positive reframing is a valuable tool to help you consider those events, people, and thoughts in a new light — to shift your immediate and negative responses to ones that are more considered and optimistic. It may feel forced at first, but as you practice positive reframing it will come more naturally to you. Once it becomes a habit, you’ll probably notice some of the stress in your life melting away and some of your relationships with other people becoming easier and more rewarding. You’ll feel better about yourself, and you may find new solutions to what might otherwise have seemed like insurmountable problems.

©2021 Workplace Options

Good mental health, like good physical health, is important to human well-being. But what does it mean to be in a state of good mental health?

First, good mental health is more than just the absence of diagnosable mental illness. In fact, people with mental illness, just like people with physical illness, can cope with their disease or infirmity and have periods of relatively good health as they move toward recovery.

Second, good mental health goes beyond feelings of happiness and contentment. Positive emotions are wonderful to experience, but they are rarely a constant in life. People experience setbacks, challenges, and trauma over the course of their lives, and a realistic definition of good mental health needs to include the range of emotions people actually feel.

A better way to think about good mental health is as a form of emotional resilience. Just as a person in good physical health can be tired and have sore muscles after a period of intense physical exertion, so a person in good mental health is able to feel pain and sadness after a setback or loss, then return to emotional stability. Not right away, perhaps, but in time and with support.

People with good mental health are able to:

• Express and modulate their emotions appropriately
• Empathize with others and maintain good relationships
• Give and accept emotional support
• Cope with uncertainty, adverse events and the normal stresses of life

When you are in good mental health, you are able to appreciate the good aspects of life and feel the pain of life’s disappointments and losses. Except in the worst of times, you are able to work productively, contribute to your community and realize your potenti