Divorce

Summary

• Bouncing back and forth between two homes can be stressful for kids.
• Children and teens feel best when they know what to expect.
• When parents take steps to be consistent, the transition will be easier for children.

One of the biggest challenges for children of divorced parents is living in two homes—Mom’s and Dad’s. They have to pack, plan in advance what they need for days at a time and then remember it all when they leave.

While having two homes can have its perks, all of this bouncing back and forth can be stressful. You can reduce this stress by taking steps to make the transition between houses go smoothly.

Tips for kids

These ideas can help older children and teens shift gears more easily:

• Keep a calendar of social activities and schoolwork deadlines. This will help you plan what to pack. You might want to use two colors on the calendar—one color for the days you are at your mom’s house and another color for the days you are at your dad’s.
• Share the calendar with both parents. Keeping them up to speed will help them know the things you want to do.
• Keep spare clothes at both homes. This makes packing easier and will help if you forget something. You might want to keep other items like your favorite shampoo or curling iron in both homes.
• Ask your parents for a cell phone number so friends have one phone number for you at either home.
• Tell your parents how you feel. If you feel like you are missing out on too many things because you are switching between homes, let them know.
• Decorate your space in both homes. You will feel more comfortable if you make it uniquely yours.

Tips for parents

Children and teens feel best when they know what to expect. Do what you can to help with this—even if your child only stays at one parent’s home for a short period of time. Here are some ideas:

• Keep rules generally consistent in the two households. Rules don’t have to be exactly the same, but it will be much easier for your child if you and your ex keep big issues like off-limit activities, homework rules and curfews the same.
• Always drop off your child at the other parent’s house. It prevents one parent from interrupting time with the other and is easier for the child.
• Create a special routine for your child’s arrival. Knowing what to expect when they gets there eases the transition.
• Give your child their own space. If your child can’t have their own bedroom, provide space somewhere in the house that is only for their belongings. A dresser drawer, toy bin or closet will do.
• Keep communication open with your ex when it comes to grades, tutoring needs and homework expectations.

Check in with your child’s feelings often. Note when they are having trouble adjusting. Whether your child is staying at the mother’s or father’s home, they must know that one thing always stays the same—they are loved.

By Melanie OﾒBrien

©2014-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Help your teenager feel at home in your new place.
• Share interests with your teenager.
• Keep reaching out even if your teenager is angry with you.

Teenagers are at a difficult stage in life. They still need their parents, but they also want to strike out on their own. At times rebellious and distant, they may spend even more time with friends and away from family after a divorce. The teenager may be angry and blame one or both of the parents for the breakup.

If your divorce has strained your relationship with your teenager, don’t give up. Your child needs you, even if it doesn’t seem so.

If you have moved out

When you lived in the same home, you didn’t have to think about seeing your teen. Now it will take some effort. Visits may also feel awkward in the beginning. Here are ways to make it easier:

• Stay in the area when you move to a new place, if possible. It will be comforting to both of you if you’re available for rides, emergencies, and spur-of-the-moment visits. 
• If you have to move far away, schedule regular phone calls and video chats. Send cards, letters, and packages in the mail.
• Help your teen feel at home in your new place. Ask for help decorating it. If possible, give your teen her own bedroom.
• Buy essentials for your teen to keep at your place. A second toothbrush, toothpaste, his favorite shampoo, and conditioner will simplify packing and help him feel at home with you.
• Be flexible about visits. Your teen’s social life is very important at this age. She may resent having to give up time with friends to be with you. Be willing to reschedule time together or let her bring a friend along on a visit from time to time.

Ways to connect

Staying close with a teenager who is trying to become independent can take creativity and persistence.

• Share an interest with your teen, or take up one of his: Snowboarding, music, hiking, sports, dance, and theater are some activities that are fun to share.
• Send texts for no reason other than to say “I love you” or “I’m thinking of you.”
• Attend your teen’s sporting events, recitals, plays, school events, and other activities. She will be glad you’re there.
• Take vacations together. Spending time outside of your normal routine builds bonds and creates memories.

When your teen is angry with you

It’s not uncommon for teens to be angry with one or both of their parents after a divorce.

• Try to see things from his point of view. Talk with him about the divorce so you can understand his feelings. You may be able to clear up any mistaken beliefs that he has about the divorce.
• Hold your temper. You may want to lash out in anger if your teen is disrespectful. Doing that will only fuel the fire. If you have trouble staying calm, walk away. Give yourself time to cool off, then gently but firmly tell her that you won’t tolerate disrespect.
• Keep reaching out even if your teen doesn’t respond or doesn’t want to see you. Don’t give up. Your persistence will let your teen know that no matter what, you will always love him.

By Sharron Luttrell, Military OneSource. Used with permission.

Source: “Parental Divorce and Adolescentsﾔ by Carl E. Pickhardt, PhD. Psychology Today, www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/200908/parental-divorce-and-adolescents

Summary

• Keep work and home separate.
• Get support.
• Focus on productive work.

Going through a divorce is one of life’s most stressful events. Even when a split is amicable, adjusting to the life changes brought about by divorce can cause emotional turmoil, and it’s only natural for these feelings to affect your life—both at home and at work. Fortunately, you can take steps to help minimize this stress on the job.

• Devote a segment of time each day to divorce details.  If you have an attorney, use this time to provide information and facts she has requested. If you are on good terms with your ex, set aside time to discuss details of the divorce with him or her.
• Have realistic expectations about your emotions. You are normal if you feel everything from rage to enormous relief. Remember, a mountain of emotions you’ve suppressed for years might come crashing down. Even if you are not angry, divorce is a major life change, and it will take time to adjust. Keep in mind that divorce is the death of a relationship. You will grieve in stages—with emotional issues surfacing for years afterward.
• Take excellent care of your physical health. Eat a well-balanced diet, and consider a multi-vitamin to replenish B-complex vitamins your body will quickly use under stress. Be sure to exercise and get enough sleep.
• Ask good friends to meet you after work. Ideally, they should work in another setting altogether. Try to talk out your most intense frustrations early on. Tell your friends, “I’ll try not to use you as a crying towel too long.” Otherwise, you may lose their support totally. If you feel you need more support, see a professional counselor or look for a support group.
• Carve out time for relaxation. If you take a walk with friends, have a nutritious dinner, read and relax and get a good night’s sleep, you’ll awaken more refreshed to tackle your job the next day. Besides, recreation time can help you balance the emotional overload you’ll experience for some time.

Focus on productive work

• Do not share details with co-workers. While you may think chatting at work about your pain feels comforting, you will only supply grist for the gossip mill—starring you.
• Try to avoid thinking about your situation at work. Instead, use work time to give your mind a break from your personal turmoil.
• Use your work time in a wise and focused way. Stay absorbed in keeping everything on track for long-term payoffs—for you and your employer. For instance, force yourself to make phone calls you’ve been putting off. Tie up loose ends on major projects. Spend time outlining plans that require you to think creatively.
• Stay in control on the job. The healthiness of staying “creative” on the job—planning meetings, devising work solutions and contacting new people to assist your employer’s business—will help you look and feel very much in control. Work may be your saving grace during a divorce. Failing to focus at work—with leftover work to bring home—will simply destroy your ability to control your personal life further.

Difficult divorces

All divorces are difficult, but some involve more animosity, fighting and legal and financial complications than others. In these cases, it may be even more difficult to remain focused at work. If you find that in spite of taking steps to reduce stress you are still having trouble coping, seek help from a professional counselor or your employee assistance program. A counselor can help you cope with the painful feelings you are experiencing.

By Judi Light Hopson and Melanie O’Brien

©2013-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

Of all life events, divorce may have the greatest potential to change your financial status (usually for the worse).

Financial planners will tell you that it’s best to make major money decisions when you’re cool and collected—and when you have plenty of time to gather all the data you need about your current assets and future needs. But that’s not how life works in a typical divorce.

The breakup of marriage is an emotional event, often laced with hostility and suspicion. Without the time or inclination for calm reflection, both spouses need to make decisions that can have a huge impact on their lives.

Of all life events, divorce may have the greatest potential to change your financial status (usually for the worse). How property is divided and who gets what post-divorce income depends in part on the laws of each state. But financial planners also have advice that makes sense no matter where you live.

Here are some key points to remember and pitfalls to avoid:

Know your needs

Know what you’ll need (and assume you’ll have less than before). Divorce is expensive, and not just because of lawyers’ fees. When a marriage breaks up, a husband and wife have to pay for two households instead of one. They pay more for housing and utilities, and child care costs can soar if the couple has joint custody and the kids are constantly traveling back and forth between them.

Consider analyzing your cash flow—using a computer program such as Quicken if you have one—to get a clear idea of how much you spend, and on what.

Don’t overlook assets

Track down all of the marital property. This can include far more than the obvious things like a home, jointly-held bank accounts, stocks, and mutual funds. Pensions and tax-deferred employee plans such as 401(k)s are also part of the mix to the extent that they were earned by either spouse during the marriage. So are stock options, deferred compensation, and employee stock option plans (ESOPs). Don’t overlook pensions or 401(k)s from previous jobs.

A too-costly 401(k)?

Know what the property is worth after taxes. A tax-deferred plan such as a 401(k) will be worth much less than its face value when you actually get around to spending it—and paying income taxes on it. Divorcing spouses sometimes give away too much in order to hang on to 401(k) money or future pension rights.

What are those pensions really worth?

It’s also crucial to pin down the present value of future pension payments that you and your spouse have earned. This job requires the skills of an actuary, though larger employers may do it for you. Be sure you know the formulas of all the plans: This is one reason why you should never throw away the plan summaries an employer gives you.

What to do next will depend on your situation. After a brief marriage, and if only one spouse has a pension, it usually makes sense for the spouse with the pension to keep it and give the other spouse some other asset in return. After a long marriage, staking a claim on the main wage-earner’s future pension payments may be the better idea for a spouse who has spent a lot of time out of the workforce.

This would be done through a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO). Employers often have prototype QDROs that can be used as a template for dividing up pensions and other benefits. But you and your attorney need to make sure it doesn’t leave anything out.

Lawyers aren’t therapists

Remember that anger only makes the lawyers rich. The toughest advice may be to keep your anger and other emotions in check in order to see your own interests clearly and not pick long and costly fights over small issues. Avoid using the legal and financial process to deal with your emotions. 

By Tom Gray

©2001-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

Go through this list thoroughly if you are divorcing.

The end of a marriage can bring pitfalls along with pain. Here are some questions to ask, during the divorce process and afterward, to help you protect yourself legally and financially.

Before you sign anything …

• Do you have an experienced attorney?
• Have you also consulted with a financial-planning professional?
• Have you identified all marital property, including retirement plans?
• Do you know the present value for each of these assets, after taxes? 
• Have you determined your income needs?
• Do you and your spouse share debts?
• If so, will they be paid off before the divorce is final?
• If the debts can’t be paid off now, are you protected if your spouse fails to make payments?
• Do you have a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) to secure future retirement benefits?
• Are alimony and other future payments to you (and/or your children) insured?
• If these payments are backed by insurance on your spouse’s life, do you own the policy?
• Do you understand all the documents you’re signing?
• Have you asked if the settlement will keep you financially secure? Are you satisfied with the answer?  

Now that you’re single again …

• Do you have all your important documents (birth certificate, Social Security card, deeds, etc.) safely filed and readily available?
• If you were covered under your spouse’s health plan, have you extended coverage under COBRA?
• Have you re-titled bank accounts, stocks, and other property?
• Are your will and other estate planning documents up to date?
• Have you checked your credit report and cleared up any errors?
• Have you drawn up a new budget based only on your spending and your income?
• Have you reassessed your life and disability insurance in light of your newly single status?
• Have you set your own financial goals? Are you saving for them now? 

If you have other questions or concerns, your employee assistance program (EAP) may be able to help you. Bear in mind that divorce is a complex legal process requiring the services of an attorney.

By Tom Gray

©2006-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

Go through this list thoroughly if you are divorcing.

The end of a marriage can bring pitfalls along with pain. Here are some questions to ask, during the divorce process and afterward, to help you protect yourself legally and financially.

Before you sign anything …

• Do you have an experienced attorney?
• Have you also consulted with a financial-planning professional?
• Have you identified all marital property, including retirement plans?
• Do you know the present value for each of these assets, after taxes? 
• Have you determined your income needs?
• Do you and your spouse share debts?
• If so, will they be paid off before the divorce is final?
• If the debts can’t be paid off now, are you protected if your spouse fails to make payments?
• Do you have a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) to secure future retirement benefits?
• Are alimony and other future payments to you (and/or your children) insured?
• If these payments are backed by insurance on your spouse’s life, do you own the policy?
• Do you understand all the documents you’re signing?
• Have you asked if the settlement will keep you financially secure? Are you satisfied with the answer?  

Now that you’re single again …

• Do you have all your important documents (birth certificate, Social Security card, deeds, etc.) safely filed and readily available?
• If you were covered under your spouse’s health plan, have you extended coverage under COBRA?
• Have you re-titled bank accounts, stocks, and other property?
• Are your will and other estate planning documents up to date?
• Have you checked your credit report and cleared up any errors?
• Have you drawn up a new budget based only on your spending and your income?
• Have you reassessed your life and disability insurance in light of your newly single status?
• Have you set your own financial goals? Are you saving for them now? 

If you have other questions or concerns, your employee assistance program (EAP) may be able to help you. Bear in mind that divorce is a complex legal process requiring the services of an attorney.

By Tom Gray

©2006-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Always difficult for everyone involved
• Different meanings for different people
• More complex when children are involved

About half of all marriages these days are expected to end in divorce. Not a cheery statistic. Divorce, like marriage, has different meanings for different people. Depending on your family history, religious background, and personal value system, divorce can be a more or less acceptable option. As unromantic as it might seem, the best time to discuss issues about divorce is before you get married. People differ in their level of commitment and willingness to tolerate adversity. This can play an important role in any marriage.

For some people, marriage is a sacred commitment that cannot be broken. Everything possible must be tried to mend a troubled marriage before calling it quits. For others, marriage is an experiment or experience that appeals to them. Divorce is the logical solution to a troubled marriage and it is simply the risk you take when you get married. The way in which you and your spouse think about divorce can have a huge impact on the way you relate. There are difficult times in any marriage and the more comfortable you are with your stance on divorce, the clearer your path will be.

Emotions run high

Feelings of failure, anger, shame, guilt, blame, and sadness are likely to be present for anyone contemplating or in the midst of a divorce. Often these emotions are highly intense and difficult to handle. People often feel as though they have failed. Why wasn’t I able to make it work? Why don’t any of my relationships succeed? Anger is another common feeling in divorce. Why didn’t my spouse try harder? Wasn’t I worth fighting for? When infidelity or other indiscretion is involved, blame, shame, and guilt are frequently present. For many people, therapy can be extremely helpful during this stressful time in their life.

Divorce becomes even more complex when children are involved. Parents must make a great effort not to drag their children into an already complicated situation. Care must be taken not to complain to the child about the other parent. Children should be reassured that their happiness comes first and that every effort will be made to disrupt their lives as little as possible. Some children experience feelings of guilt and extreme sadness over their parents’ divorce. For kids, divorce often means moving out of their home, reducing contact with one parent, changes in financial status and so forth. Support from family members who are willing to let children freely express themselves and make choices helps them adjust. Some children do have more trouble with this adjustment and often benefit from counseling.

No matter how amicable the divorce, it is always difficult for everyone involved. Family therapists can be useful during the marriage to try to work out problems and to keep the family together. In cases where divorce is imminent, family therapists can help work through issues surrounding the divorce and help parents and children through the difficult process.

By Heather Abrahams, MD

©1999-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Know and watch for signs of distress.
• Help him express his feelings.
• Listen.
• Provide assurance.

A child of divorce grieves for the parent who may become less visible in his life. And research shows that nearly half of children who lose a parent to death show deep signs of grief a year later. Many of the approaches to handling grief are the same for children of divorce or separation.

During the early stages of the loss, frequently reassure your child that you will be there for him.

Watch for signs of distress

When children deal with the absence of a parent they can harbor feelings of rejection and abandonment that may last a lifetime if they’re not recognized early. Watch for these signs of distress:

• Boys tend to have difficulty engaging in play and making friends with others.
• Girls tend to become overly shy and withdrawn.
• Both girls and boys can suffer academically.
• Both tend to blame themselves for the parent’s absence.

Helping a grieving child

If your child is distressed by a parent’s absence, try these tips to help her deal with her grief.

Allow emotions to surface

When a parent leaves, the disruption in a child’s life can spark a range of emotions—anger, sadness, resentment, powerlessness, fear, longing, and emptiness. Very young children can’t identify these feelings, so it’s important for a parent to create an environment where they can surface.

Don’t let your guilt get in the way

When a child’s life is disrupted, parents can feel powerful feelings of guilt. When you feel guilty, you may be less able to help your child through hard times. Guilt may increase a parent’s tendency to deny any negative impact on the child. Try to overcome your own sense of guilt and listen to your child.

Listen attentively

Validate your child’s feelings by reassuring her that you know she’s having a difficult time and you understand her sadness or anger. Listen for fears of abandonment or rejection and reassure her that you will not leave.

Remove blame

Children need to repeatedly hear that they’re not responsible for a parent’s departure. Your child’s belief that he caused the other parent to leave may compound his grief. Provide reassurance whether he asks for it or not.

Bolster self-esteem

A child’s self-esteem can plummet when the family structure has been disrupted. As she questions the reliability of her family, she may question her own self-worth. Help your child by reinforcing her self-esteem:

• Treat your child with respect and concern.
• Use positive language, such as, “Great job,” “I’m proud of you,” or “I love you.”
• Ask for your child’s opinions concerning family decisions when appropriate.
• Provide opportunities for your child to experience success.
• Celebrate your child’s small and large accomplishments—birthdays, making a team, doing well on a test, or being in a school play.

Consider joining a support group

Many support groups for parents include children. These groups might allow your child to open up more easily. Call your local mental health association, the YMCA, your child’s school counselor, a social service organization, or a clergy member. Check websites, newspapers and library bulletin boards for group meetings.

©2000-2019 Boston College, Center for Work and Family. All rights reserved. Although Boston College, Center for Work and Family makes every effort to ensure that this information is accurate at the time of writing, the information is subject to change over time. Boston College, Center for Work and Family does not endorse any products or services advertised on this website and holds no equity or financial interest in the site’s operators.

Summary

• Minimize conflict.
• Process emotions related to ex-spouse.
• Have a written plan.
• Listen to your child.

The difficulties of raising a child with an ex-spouse are daunting. The emotions and stress of a breakup magnify the challenges of co-parenting. But by committing to making children’s best interests the first priority, families can be successful.

Identifying the challenges

Parents need to objectively spot and deal with the difficulties of raising children with an ex. To make co-parenting choices that are most helpful to children, ex-spouses need to:

• Find ways to minimize conflict.  
• Work on communicating successfully. Effectively coordinate with the former partner about parenting goals and daily routines. 
• Process emotions related to their relationship with the former partner.
• Realistically examine child support or custody issues.

Addressing the challenges

A thorough and appropriate parenting plan can help ex-spouses give structure to shared parenting time and child support arrangements, among other issues. A plan needs to be written out, and mediators and other professionals can help. The plans aren’t “one-size-fits-all,” and should be reviewed regularly to address changes within the family, such as adjustments in expenses.

Parents should deal with specific challenges as well, the experts say.

• Parents should not involve their children in conflicts, and never put them in the middle of a struggle between them. Parents to never say anything bad about the other parent around their children.

This also means that parents should not tell their kids to pass messages to the other ex-spouse. If parents can’t handle it themselves, they should find a neutral party to help.

Some areas have established safe, designated drop-off centers where parents can exchange custody of their children if they’re at risk of exposure to conflict.

• Ex-spouses should find ways to communicate with each other. In some cases, email messages may be the most effective means of communicating. Create an agenda for communications such as phone calls. The other parent should be notified of all issues that affect her child. This includes appointments, trips and schedule changes, and behavior issues. School teachers and administrators could help alert a parent to important school-related events.
• Ex-spouses should recognize and work through their difficult emotions to help accept the situation.
• Take advantage of resources such as mediators, counselors, support groups, books and workshops or seminars.
• Parents should listen to children and let them know their feelings are valid. Parents should not give up if they feel pushed away. Stay involved and provide reassurance. 

The golden rule may be for a parent to behave as he would want the other parent to act. Most families can find ways to put their kids first and communicate calmly.

By Kristen Knight

©2006-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

If you had a bitter divorce, you are probably relieved to be out of the marriage. But if you have children together, your ex will still be in your life. Children can become anxious when parents argue. They may feel they have to pick sides. It’s best for everyone to find ways to move forward without conflict.

Come up with a plan

Your plan should cover the basics of handing off the kids to one another. It should include:

• The places and times you will drop off and pick up the children
• How you’ll notify one another of changes in plans
• How you will communicate important information to one another

Keep contact to a minimum

If you and your ex set each other off easily, it’s best to avoid direct contact.

• Have pickups and drop-offs take place at day care, school or another place where you don’t have to be present at the same time.
• Use an online shared calendar so both of you can mark down and stay up to date on visits, events and appointments.
• Make sure you both have access to important papers. Ask the pediatrician, dentist and school to send both of you copies of medical records and school notices. You might also create a shared folder online to keep information related to your child.
• Find a non-stressful way to communicate. Brief texts may be best. Emails or a shared notebook that goes back and forth with your child can work for longer messages. 
• If you have issues that require a face-to-face meeting with your ex, consider asking a neutral third party to mediate. This can be a member of your house of worship, a counselor, or a social worker.

Focus on your children

Children do best when they have a strong relationship with both parents. Remember that the children’s well-being is your priority. No matter how you feel about your ex, they will always be your children’s other parent.  

• Don’t use the kids to relay messages to your ex. It can make them feel trapped in the middle.
• Keep your feelings about the other parent to yourself. Children become anxious when they hear negative things about a parent or when they see their parents fight.
• There may be times when you are so frustrated with your ex that you have trouble hiding it from your children. If this happens, reassure your children that even though you get angry sometimes, their other parent loves them very much.

By Sharron Luttrell, Military OneSource

Summary

Work out as many of the practical changes as possible before you talk to your child.

Are you dreading telling your child about an impending separation or divorce? How you break the news and your ongoing attention to their emotional needs can ease their pain and help them adjust.

Infants and toddlers

Even babies can sense tension and conflict between parents. By age two, most toddlers can understand a simple explanation of what is going to change as a result of divorce, but you will have to repeat the words often before they sink in. Toddlers often will regress in areas such as weaning, toilet training and general behavior. Be patient and affectionate, and try to reassure your child by maintaining family routines and activities.

Less is more

Too much information can overwhelm your child. Choose your words carefully and practice them before your conversation so that you can be sure your child hears what you have to say before anxiety sets in and they lose focus.

Here are more tips:

• If possible, you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse should tell your child together, showing that you are committed as parents even though your marriage is ending.
• Tell your child on a weekend, and give them a few weeks’ notice to digest the news, ask questions and prepare for any relocation.
• Stress that the divorce is not their fault. Many children blame themselves and need to be told repeatedly that they are not the cause of the divorce.

Helping with the adjustment

Other ways that you can help your child adjust include:

• Work out as many of the practical changes as possible before you talk to your child, and reassure them that you will do all you can to maintain their routines and surroundings.
• Talk to your child’s teachers and let them know what is going on at home. Ask that they keep you informed about how they are faring at school during this period.
• Be as respectful as possible of your ex-spouse. Ongoing conflict puts a tremendous strain on children.
• Do everything you can to provide a sense of security and well-being for your child. Bedtime stories, favorite meals and extra hugs and attention are especially comforting and reassuring. Be available to talk and listen to your child, and if they seem distant or withdrawn, check in by asking questions so they know you care.

Nurture the nurturer

Supporting your child through the transition of a divorce is incredibly demanding and draining. Ask your family and friends for help, and consider joining a support group for newly single parents. Helping your child adjust will help transform your guilt and sorrow into optimism and confidence as you strive toward a brighter future.

©2000-2021 Boston College, Center for Work and Family

Summary

• Maintain comforting rituals or gestures.
• Foster a strong parent-teen relationship.
• Be prepared for an intense reaction.
• Do not use them as a sounding board or confidant.

When telling your teen about your divorce or separation, be prepared for an intense reaction. Your child may be angry and unwilling to talk or be comforted. They may seem distant, but it is important to check in with them, ask how they are feeling, invite them to talk or simply remain available to them and do not judge them for their anger.

Divorce specialists also suggest the following:

• Tell your teenager together. This shows that although the marriage is over, you will both continue to provide parental support.
• Tell themon a weekend, and give a few weeks’ notice. Try to be available as your teen deals with the news and any lifestyle or residential changes.
• Share as much information as possible about any changes on the horizon for the family, but not specifics about adult reasons for the divorce.

Smoothing the transition

Maintaining close ties with at least one parent, good limit setting, open communication, joint decision-making and low conflict on the home front will provide the stability and security your teen needs to adapt and rebound. Be careful to:

• Make an extra effort to be warm and affectionate with your teen to help lessen the loss they feel.
• Be respectful of your ex-spouse’s role as a parent and its significance to your child. Bad-mouthing your ex puts a tremendous strain on your child.
• Maintain as normal a routine as possible.
• Talk to your teenager’s teachers and let them know what is going on at home so that they may be supportive. Ask that they contact you if they see signs of trouble or distress.
• Encourage the continued involvement of the nonresidential parent. It is very important to the teen’s social adjustment and educational future for the nonresidential parent to stay connected by frequent conversations and specific, regular activities.

Help your teen by helping yourself

Parenting a teen can be difficult in the best of circumstances, and an enormous challenge for a newly single parent handling their own distress. Your child may be an important source of comfort during the divorce, but do not use them as a sounding board or confidant. It may make them feel they have to choose sides. Instead, call upon your family and friends to support you during this difficult transition, so that you can be there for your child.

You also might consider joining a support group for single parents, frequently offered through churches, synagogues or community centers. Individual or family counseling, even on a short-term basis, can help you through the transition, too. 

©2000-2021 Boston College, Center for Work and Family

The word grief is most often used to talk about how people feel when someone dies. Grief is actually a reaction to any loss. Some losses are easy to recognize. Examples include the death of a loved one, divorce, or the loss of a pet. Other losses are harder to recognize or understand. Examples include getting a dream job, moving to a nicer house, or graduating from school.

Other common life changes that cause grief and loss include:

• Serious illness or disability
• Social rejection
• Loved one sent to jail
• Job promotions or rejections
• Relocating
• Retirement
• Adopting or having a baby
• Losing a beloved pet

Most life changes interrupt day-to-day life and disrupt daily routines. People rely on routines to make sure they get to work, take children to school, or eat nutritious meals. They know what to do and how to behave because they do it that way every time. It helps people feel secure. Losing a routine means losing the security. People may not know how to do things differently. Their roles or responsibilities may change. The loss of a routine often affects every part of our lives.

When life changes, so do relationships. Relationships within families or friends change after a death. Friends or family may pull away from each other. A person would become an only child if a sibling dies. Other children may feel forgotten when a new child is born or adopted. Also, moving means finding new friends and building new support systems. Retirement can shift roles within the family. Graduating from school can mean starting a new life from scratch.

Types of changes that cause loss

Changes at work include getting fired, getting a promotion, retiring, and moving. Losses can include:

• Job security
• Financial safety
• Lifestyle
• Home or community

Changes in your family include marriage, divorce, having or adopting a child, a child moving out, and a loved one’s drug use disorder. Losses can include:

• Lifestyle
• Financial stability
• Sense of self
• Trust
• Personal safety

Serious illnesses and new disabilities often cause many life changes. Losses can include:

• Independence and self-care
• Work
• Financial
• Roles or identity
• Social life
• Hobbies
• Friends or family members who do not understand
• Desired appearance

Violent or upsetting events can be personal or community-based. They may cause physical losses. They also change the way people see themselves or the world. Losses can include:

• Feeling of safety
• Sense of self or confidence
• Trust in people, the community, a god, or a higher power
• Daily life as it was prior to the event
• Control of one’s own body
• Power

Coping with change

It can be hard to deal with day-to-day life when change causes loss and grief. Finding the right support can help.

Friends and family. People often turn down help from friends and family members. They want to look strong. But it is not weak to accept support. Letting someone help with chores or errands can make life simpler during this hard time.

Support groups. Some people like to talk to others who have had the same loss. In-person or online support groups are good places to find this type of support. Local organizations or health care systems groups may offer free or low cost support groups.

Religious or spiritual support. Many people find support in their religious or spiritual communities. Rituals and shared beliefs can be comforting. Clergy people or other spiritual leaders may offer one-on-one or group counseling services. Many people find comfort in prayer or meditation.

Professional support. Therapists and counselors can help people who need more support. Some professionals specialize in grief services. Grief centers help people deal with grief caused by any loss. A primary care physician as well as a child’s pediatrician can offer good resources.

Decision-making

People may need to put off or get help making important decisions. Grief can make it hard to focus or see the big picture. They should see if making the decision can wait until they feel more like themselves. If decisions cannot wait, it is a good idea to find an advocate to help guide them.

By Beth Landau

©2015-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: American Psychological Association, www.apa.org; American Society of Clinical