Blended Families

Summary

Think about:

• Short-term goals
• Long-term goals
• Caring for kids

There are many issues to think about when bringing together a new family unit. This blended family can involve a new spouse, partner, grandparent, stepchild, friend of the family, and more. There are clear emotional and legal hurdles, and even physical space. But one of the biggest issues are finances. This shouldn’t be a surprise since money matters are a leading trigger for conflict in marriages and partnerships. If you plan on the issues ahead of time, you can work through them as a family.

Short-term goals

When starting a new marriage, committed partnership, or adding in more family members, look at your financial picture.

Think about:

• What are your current expenses and how are they met?
• What debts or loans do you each carry?
• What extra costs will come up? Think about higher rent, using more utilities, health care co-pays, extra food, and more.
• Will the new partner, spouse, or family member help, and if so, will you share a joint banking account?
• What do you need to make sure your lifestyle stays comfortable?

Involve your partner in these talks. It’s key that they know what it takes to keep the household running. You might find that opening a joint household account is a good way to handle blended family finances. You can keep separate accounts as well.

Long-term goals

Getting your daily financial picture settled is a big step. But there are still long-term goals to keep in mind. It is vital to talk with your partner or spouse to be sure you are on the same page. Think about:

• What are our long-term goals as far as household, family, and retirement?
• Are we going to want to make a major joint purchase like a house or car?
• Will we want to have more kids?
• What will we need to secure a comfortable retirement as a couple?

These might sound like lofty goals, but each couple or family has to start somewhere. With good planning, you can have your daily needs met while securing your future too. You should also think about estate planning and review your living will, benefit designations, and more.

Caring for kids

Kids can make money issues a bit trickier. This is particularly true if there are exes to deal with. As hard as it might be, you and your partner—as well as ex’s—should discuss the well-being of the child(ren). Think about:

• Current schooling and fees (books, uniforms, school supplies)
• Costs of added food and clothing
• Allowance and/or any “fun” money to be spent by the child
• Savings for college, first car, and so on

If there are stepsiblings or half siblings in the picture, try to make the finances as fair as you can. This won’t always work well based on what you and the other parent have as a goal for your child. For example, one kid might be in private school already, while the other goes to a public school.

Keep in mind that doing taxes the year following a divorce can be complicated. Only one parent can claim the child, and that should be figured out ahead of time. On the flipside, if you are taking in a family member as a dependent, you might be able to claim them on your taxes if you pay for most of their expenses. There might be other tax deductions and credits you can take as a result of your blended family.

Talking finances, taxes, and school supply shopping are likely not your idea of a romantic evening with your new partner. But setting up goals and financial ground rules is a great way to build a solid base for your future. With each adult member helping, your whole family will gain. It will lead to less clashes and money woes.

By Andrea Rizzo, MFA

©2016-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: 3 Financial Challenges of Blended Families: http://money.usnews.com/money/personal-finance/articles/2013/08/26/3-financial-challenges-of-blended-families; Blended Family Finances: www.kiplinger.com/article/saving/T023-C000-S002-blended-family-finances.html

Reviewed by Marissa Eggert, LMFT, EAP Workplace Consult, Beacon Health Options

Summary

Living within a blended family has its share of challenges, but also rewards.

The phrase blended families may sound strange, but it implies exactly that—parents, kids, and different family members being put in the same household. Perhaps your parents got divorced and one of them is going to remarry. Or your parents were never married in the first place, but your mother found a different partner and is pregnant. Or maybe your father is going to move in with his boyfriend who has children of his own. How do you handle this major life change?

Life with a new parent

It depends how long and how well you know your parent’s new partner, but it gets very real when you all move in. Does this father or mother figure replace your biological one? No, not even if your mother or father has died. This new partner is in love with your parent and is willing to take on a new family structure. Chances are good that they want a great relationship with you, too.

Take it slow. Don’t expect to feel a certain way toward your stepparent immediately. You all have to take the time to get to know one another in a new home setting. If you feel they are trying too hard to win your affection, it’s OK to ask for them to slow down.

Look at the big picture. Although this new parental figure is not your biological one, they are still an adult and deserve respect. They are helping your parent keep the household together and are most likely contributing financially. Be respectful of their rules and let them know how they can help you too. For example, if you need help with a certain subject in school, or figuring out a problem with a friend.

Ask questions. What will your new parent want to be called? What will the holidays be like? Can you visit your other biological parent living in another home as often as you would like?

Level with your parent. Let your original caregiver know if you are having an issue with your new parent. It’s nice to try to resolve it, but after all, they are the adults and can figure it out between the two of them. Your mom or dad will want to know if you are unhappy and be able to find a way to solve the issue.

Life with a new sibling

You might find yourself with a new brother or sister, or several, or even half brothers and sisters. Here are things to keep in mind.

You don’t have to be best friends. It will take time to establish your relationship—just like with the new parent—and that is OK. Chances are you have some common interests in sports, video games, or even other friends, and can tap into those. But do try to appreciate their differences.

Try not to compare. It’s possible that your new sibling(s) will have different rules. For example, if they are older, they might be able to drive the family car and stay out later. If they are younger, they might not have as many chores as you did at that age. Keep in mind that the adults in your new family are trying to find what works best for everyone. This will include keeping some of the former house rules. If you feel that you are not being treated fairly, bring it up and see if your rules can be discussed.

Treat them with respect. They are going through a transitional time too. If you’re close in age and at the same school, avoid talking badly about them to your friends. Even if you don’t like them. Share your things just as you would a visiting friend, and ask for the same kindness. Be friendly.

Life with the blended family

It’s possible that you are the only child, but have new family members to get to know. There is no limit to the amount of combinations any one family can have. This could be a biological or unrelated grandmother, uncle, niece, friend of the family, etc. Just as with your new stepparent, there is a reason they are joining the family and should be treated with respect.

Keeping the peace

The new family structure will likely come with new house rules, different chores, and other expectations. If you have any questions or concerns during the time of transition, ask. Your parent or stepparent will want to explain what they are asking of you and why. Your new siblings might be wondering the same.

If you feel that something is not right in the new family, and you do not feel comfortable to talk to your parent about it, consider asking your parent to help you find a counselor you can talk to privately to sort out your thoughts and feelings, or get help from a teacher, school counselor, or another adult whom you trust.

By Andrea Rizzo, MFA

©2016-2022 Carelon Behavioral Health

You’ve found a new partner that you love enough to create a blended family. You might have one or more children from an earlier marriage or relationship. Or your partner has several. There are so many variables on how this new family will get along. It depends on the ages, stages and length of time that the members have known each other. Whatever the combination, a blended family can add an extra test to a new relationship. It’s vital to strive for a strong union because you will have issues.

If you’re the new parent

You might have lots of experience or none when it comes to kids. Either way, there are a few ideas to keep in mind as you become a stepparent.

Slow and steady wins the race. Your stepchild is likely recovering from the previous family dynamic they came from. Don’t expect them to welcome you with open arms. They might not trust other adults or fear you might not be around long. Try not to take it personally and let them know you will be there for them.

You’re not replacing anyone. Whether the biological parent is in the picture, let your stepchild know you have no plans to replace their mom or dad. Don’t criticize their biological parents in any way—even if they deserve it from your viewpoint. Your role is to support your partner and be an advocate for their child.

Keep your relationship strong. Talk with your partner about disciplinary goals before issues come up. Talk about finances and where expenses for the child(ren) will come from. These are two of the hardest issues within any marriage or relationship that involves kids. Let your spouse or partner know if you are having a hard time with their child and work on ways to fix it.

If your partner is the new parent

It may have been you and your child for years, but now you are adding a spouse to your small family. Learn how to keep your marriage or partnership strong.

Don’t set unrealistic expectations. You find it easy to love your child and love your partner, but they might not find it as easy to love each other. Earning trust and respect takes time. Let them both know that your love for them has not changed in order to have the other in your life. They will eventually form a relationship that works for them.

Let them know what is on your mind. Don’t keep them in the dark about discipline strategies, money matters or other issues. Be clear about family goals and what your child and you need to make them happen. Even though your partner will not be replacing the other parent, they are still helping with the household and should know what is going on.

Suggest house rules and traditions. You likely have some already, but when you have new family members, these areas need a tune up. Allow the parents and children to both give ideas to keep the household running smoothly. Make a warm and open setting where your partner and child can feel comfortable bringing issues to you, and in time, to each other. As far as customs and holidays go, this is your chance to make something specific and special to your new family group. Again, let the adults and children talk.

Adding in other family

Even if it seems hardest with kids, adding any family to a household can take time. In the case of older parents, the adult child can feel stuck in the middle between making their parents, spouse or partner, and kids happy. If you’re bringing in a foster child, wayward sister, or close friend that needs extra help, the family dynamic will change.

Blended families are just that. They are a mixture of many types of personalities that come together under the same roof. As long as there is a healthy dose of love and respect, the blending might not be perfect, but it can be a rewarding experience for all.

By Andrea Rizzo, M.F.A.

©2016-2022 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Becoming a Stepparent: http://kidshealth.org/en/parents/stepparent.html

Summary

Is your family blending?

• Alert the school.
• Involve the other parent(s).
• Consider counseling.

Blended families are not rare—there are many sizes and shapes to family units. When you and your new partner, spouse, or friend bring your kids into a new household situation, there are many issues to think about. A big one is the school. The main job of your child(ren) is to go to school. Just like with your job, they need help making sure they are at school on time each day, are well groomed and cared for, and are ready to face pop quizzes, bullies, new friends, and any other issues that might fall into their path.

Think about the needs of your new blended family and the school system.

Alert the school

If you are changing things at home, let the school know. It will be good for both your child and her teacher to know if there is a breakup, move, or new family situation. Changes like these—even if they are very good—can have a bad result on your child’s attention span and grades. If you are moving to a new school, teachers and school counselors know how to best help a child through events.

Safety comes first

When there are more people in the family, there are often more hands to help. Consider:

• Will other family members or friends help pick up your child?
• How will your child get from school to after school activities?
• What will you tell your child to do if he is not picked up as planned?

It’s important to tell the school who has the right to pick up your child. The school will have specific forms to fill out as well.

Administrative issues

The school will want set names and contact information for whom they should send notes to about your child’s welfare, where to leave phone messages, and whom to talk with if an issue comes up. Keep in mind daily school needs as well as crisis plans. Also make plans for after school activities. Make sure your family or friends are tuned into their role as well.

Involve the other parent(s)

If you and your partner, husband, or girlfriend have called it quits but they are still the active other parent, they should still be involved in school life. Try to set your differences aside and allow both parents to be part of school functions, meetings, and special events like honor assemblies and talent shows. It’s not fair to ask a parent not to come if they have time and interest to attend, and it will make your child feel special to have both parents there. The same goes for corrective actions and parent-teacher nights.

Routines

Talk about the best way to do the daily commute, homework, parent-teacher meetings, school holidays, and more. Cover:

• Who will help with homework?
• How will the evening routine stay somewhat the same between two households?
• How will you get all the books and needed materials to both households?

Help make school manageable for your child. There is no need to bog him down with scheduling details or by feeling in the middle of two parents who don’t see eye to eye.

Money

If your child is going to or will be switching to a private school, the costs will need to be discussed in full. There is often more than just tuition, and can involve books and uniforms. Even with public school there are the costs of clothes, shoes, books, school supplies, field trips, lunch money, and more. Be very clear who is going to cover what. The same is true for college and other further schooling. Talk with the other parent—if valid—about what you want to cover and why. Be respectful of the new spouse or partner who might have kids of their own.

Consider counseling

Kids can get help from the school counselor. But you might also do well with a family therapist. Consider counseling:

• If your child is having a tough time with a new school or the blended family.
• If you and the other parent are having a hard time agreeing on things.
• If you and your new partner need help to become a unified support team.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, your ex, or your new partner during this changing time. Blended families are just that—a mixture of many different types of people that live under the same roof. There is a reason that you have chosen to blend in the first place. As long as there is a healthy dose of love and respect, the blending might not be perfect, but it can be a success.

By Andrea Rizzo, MFA

©2016-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Back to School for Blended Families 101: Parents, Stepparents Will Be Tested: www.oregonlive.com/kiddo/index.ssf/2014/09/back_to_school_for_blended_fam.html; Blended Families and School Activities: www.families.com/blog/blended-families-and-school-activities

Reviewed by Marissa Eggert, LMFT, EAP Workplace Consult, Beacon Health Options

Summary

Think about:

• Your new family dynamic
• House rules
• Financial and legal issues

There are many reasons why you might be caring for a family member’s child. It could be through a divorce, death, jail time, job relocation, or a short-term event, like a deployment. You might be single or have a family of your own. Whatever the reason, and whatever your current household is like, you can be sure that the new family dynamic will have its hard moments. You might be taking in a child, multiple children, and even the parent.

A new family dynamic

Bringing a new child into the fold can be hard. Based on the child’s age, you might need to alter your home to be safer for a toddler. Or you might try to add a more private space to let a teen have a bit of freedom. If you are single or with a partner but have no kids, it will be a learning curve to get used to the child, children, and/or extra adult. If you have other kids in the house, it will take an even more delicate approach.

Don’t expect bonds to form right away. It’s going to take some time for the child to get to know you or your family and vice versa—even if she has been to your home many times before. It is one thing to visit, but another thing to live somewhere full time. There might be some feelings of being left behind by the parents through divorce, death, or abuse, and potential trust issues with adults. It’s very likely that the child will act out to get attention.

It might also be hard for the parent, if you are taking them in as well. It can be embarrassing to depend on another family. There can be pride issues or feelings of guilt for not being able to give enough. If it’s due to a divorce, abuse, or jail time, the parent might be reeling from the emotional pain from their last relationship.

House rules

Whether the situation is for a short time or forever, you need to set up house rules. If fitting, talk with the parent to get a sense of what the ground rules were like at his last home. Note what rules you need to make your household run smoothly. Think about:

• Who does what chores and why?
• During what time will homework be done?
• When is bedtime?
• What will the weekends look like, especially if there is visitation with the other parent?

If the child is at a negotiating age, involve him in the talk. Telling him “just because” won’t help him to feel wanted as a family member. Give consequences if the rules are not followed. Structure is helpful for both the kids and you.

Financial and legal Issues

Finances are a big issue when it comes to raising another child. If your family member is still alive and able to help, make a reasonable budget with which they can contribute. Think about:

• What does your current budget look like?
• What extra costs will you have with rent, groceries, and utilities?
• What school fees will come up in the form of tuition, uniforms, and/or supplies?
• How will the other parent—if around—help with these costs?

If the parent is living with you as well and can work, factor their income into the budget. Kids can be costly. But there are also local programs that can help with food, clothing, health care, and school fees.

As far as legal issues, be clear how long you will have the child and under what conditions. It might be for a short time and a verbal contract will do. If the parent has died or will be gone entirely, you might want to go through a legal adoption to secure guardianship. Or if it’s likely brief but there is no real timeline, you will want to get some sort of legal guardianship so you can make choices about schooling and more. The resources below are a good place to start.

Keep in mind that this situation is not only hard on you and your family, but can be very hard on the biological parent(s). Some have to give kids up due to drug and alcohol problems, military deployment, or even temporary jobs. If the parent can no longer care for their child but is still around, talk with them about the expectations of care. This is especially important if the situation is temporary and the child will return to them.

With love, patience, and care, you will be able to make your new household a warm place for the child to be.

By Andrea Rizzo, MFA

©2016-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Raising a Family Memberﾒs Children: www.just-kids.ca/linksandresources/HANDBOOK%20-%20BC%20-%20FINAL.pdf; When Family Members Are Your Child’s Caregiver: www.verywell.com/when-relatives-are-your-childs-caregiver-617042

Reviewed by Marissa Eggert, LMFT, EAP Workplace Consult, Beacon Health Option

Newlyweds are eager to live out the “happily ever after” they dreamed and talked about while dating. Yet, the realities of everyday married life often create doubts that can spoil this fairytale image and put a new marriage at risk. These realities range from small aggravations related to sharing a household, to larger issues such as managing money, balancing careers, and dealing with in-laws.

Bumps in the road are certain for all married couples. But marriage researchers and counselors have identified red flags to look out for. They also offer strategies to navigate the critical first years of marriage.

Red flags

Is constant fighting a red flag? Probably not, according to a study by University of Texas at Austin researcher Ted Huston. He looked at 156 couples to examine the connection between couples’ newlywed years and their long-term marital fate after 13 years. Interestingly, although Huston notes that how well couples handle their differences can affect relationship stability, his study showed that the couples that ultimately divorced demonstrated “disillusionment” in the first two years of marriage. He defines disillusionment as “reflected in an abatement of love, a decline in overt affection, a lessening of the conviction that one’s spouse is responsive, and an increase in ambivalence.”

So what do newlyweds need to look out for to make sure “disillusionment” doesn’t happen to them?

• Decline in romantic love. Although it’s normal for passion to wane, not feeling romantic love or desire toward your mate is a red flag.
• Increasing negativity toward spouse. Spending too much time dwelling on “disappointments” or your spouse’s “flaws” is a red flag.
• Believing your spouse is the source of all your happiness and can fulfill all your needs.
• Avoiding confrontation.
• Spending time on everything (career, establishing a home) but the relationship. 

Relationship strategies for newlyweds

Huston writes that his findings “suggest that greater attention needs to be paid to the extent to which relationships have positive elements and whether these elements dissipate over time.” Newlyweds should try these strategies to keep positive thoughts and behaviors at the forefront of the relationship:

• Communicate often and honestly. Be truthful about your needs and expectations, and avoid sending mixed messages. Address issues without attacking each other. In turn, be an active listener. Don’t assume you know what your spouse needs. Show your understanding: Be responsive to one another in words and actions. 
• Make time for each other; make time for each self. Relying on your marriage for personal fulfillment will lead to disappointment. Balance free time between independent pursuits and times for togetherness and intimacy. 
• Confront big, and little, issues as they arise. Avoiding conflicts and disagreements won’t make them go away and can lead to resentment. Ideally, couples should come to terms on many big issues before they get married. This includes money, career, having children, religion, and so forth. Marriage planning classes can help engaged couples hash through the big issues and prepare them to deal with those that will come up once they are married. Still, newlyweds often are caught off guard by their first big blow-up. Realize that wishing problems away isn’t a solution, but that dealing with the problems can help your relationship grow. 
• Make an effort to express your love and appreciation for each other every day. “What we think largely influences what we do. This connection between attitude and actions opens a door of hope for all couples,” writes marriage counselor and author Gary Chapman in The Four Seasons of Marriage. Chapman advises married couples to not focus on disappointments or “flaws” in their spouse. Rather, dwelling on the positive features of your spouse and relationship will lead to loving attitudes and actions. 

Ultimately, all married couples face times of disappointment, conflict and uncertainty. Yet research shows that newlyweds who work to keep the romance, friendship, and feelings of love toward one another have the best chance of a lasting and happy “ever after.”

By Christine Martin

©2006-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: “The Connubial Crucible: Newlywed Years as Predictors of Marital Delight, Distress, and Divorce” by Ted Huston, et al. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2001, Vol. 80, No. 2; The Four Seasons of Marriage by Gary Chapman. Tyndale House, 2005; Now That I’m Married, Why Isn’t Everything Perfect? by Susan Page. Little Brown, 1994.

Summary

There are several popular myths that can get in the way of blended families and their success.

The term blended family might sound like a science project, but it defines two adults blending their children into a household. At times, a blended family may have added family members or family friends. There are many reasons why blended families happen:

• Divorce and remarriage
• Split parents and new partners
• Death of a spouse

The new family doesn’t have to look like the former family unit or what is in kids’ books. And like the books, there are myths that show the good and bad. Let’s look at some of them.

Myth: Love is easy.

Even though you and your new partner have enough love to pull your households together, don’t expect as much from the other family members who may not feel the same. Love between stepparents and kids, or new brothers or sisters, takes time. Change can be hard, and anger can be easy. Make sure your union has a strong bond and good communication, and the view that all issues can be solved together. Not only will it help you and your new partner enjoy each other more, but you will also be a good role model.

Myth: The past won’t repeat itself.

You and your new partner have both learned from your last marriages and won’t make the same mistakes. Even though your blended family is new, people still bring the past with them. Keep working on settling prior issues. Keep rules and rewards within the family system to help create stability, and be patient in expecting change and improvements.

Myth: The kids are damaged.

Even if children have a hard time going through a breakup and/or remarriage, they can move past it when given proper support and attention. Parents often feel guilty and do what they can to make their kids feel better. Many times this involves being too easy on them at a time when they need structure the most. Based on their age and stage, kids might push back on the new adults in their life. Make it known that the stepparent or adult figure is not taking the place of their mom or dad—even if the parent has died or is not in the picture. If there is a parent who is not living in the home, try to keep them in the child’s life.

Myth: Stepmothers are wicked.

We have all heard the tales of wicked stepmothers within fairy tales, books, and movies. And many of them are known by descriptions rather than proper names: the wicked stepmother, evil stepmother, stepmonster. Women have been portrayed as jealous of their stepchildren, purposefully trying to make the child’s life hard. If anything, the stepmother often has the hard role of trying to be a mother figure as well as enforcing new family rules. She isn’t there to take the place of the mother. But she will help support the child along with her partner.

Myth: Blended families are bad.

Enjoy the contrasts of all persons in the family and what each brings to the table. This can involve various age, cultural, and economic backgrounds; sexual orientations; and more. It’s not realistic to expect the new family members to replace former ones or be who they are not. There is a lot to learn from each other. A grandparent can give friendship and life lessons to a younger child. A family friend renting a room might be a good cook and offer to make meals for the rest of the household. Or a stepparent might be good at math and can help with homework.

Blended households need new rules for their new dynamic. Hold a family meeting to talk about the expectations and needs of the household. When possible, involve the other parent(s) or guardian(s) if they are not part of the home to give a more cohesive set of rules that can be reinforced in the homes of this new family.

Counseling can help during the transition and beyond. An expert can help you and your new family ease into a household filled with love and respect.

By Andrea Rizzo, MFA

©2016-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: National Stepfamily Resource Center: www.stepfamilies.info/stepfamily-myths.php; The Step and Blended Family Institute: www.stepinstitute.ca/myths.php

Summary

• Bouncing back and forth between two homes can be stressful for kids.
• Children and teens feel best when they know what to expect.
• When parents take steps to be consistent, the transition will be easier for children.

One of the biggest challenges for children of divorced parents is living in two homes—Mom’s and Dad’s. They have to pack, plan in advance what they need for days at a time and then remember it all when they leave.

While having two homes can have its perks, all of this bouncing back and forth can be stressful. You can reduce this stress by taking steps to make the transition between houses go smoothly.

Tips for kids

These ideas can help older children and teens shift gears more easily:

• Keep a calendar of social activities and schoolwork deadlines. This will help you plan what to pack. You might want to use two colors on the calendar—one color for the days you are at your mom’s house and another color for the days you are at your dad’s.
• Share the calendar with both parents. Keeping them up to speed will help them know the things you want to do.
• Keep spare clothes at both homes. This makes packing easier and will help if you forget something. You might want to keep other items like your favorite shampoo or curling iron in both homes.
• Ask your parents for a cell phone number so friends have one phone number for you at either home.
• Tell your parents how you feel. If you feel like you are missing out on too many things because you are switching between homes, let them know.
• Decorate your space in both homes. You will feel more comfortable if you make it uniquely yours.

Tips for parents

Children and teens feel best when they know what to expect. Do what you can to help with this—even if your child only stays at one parent’s home for a short period of time. Here are some ideas:

• Keep rules generally consistent in the two households. Rules don’t have to be exactly the same, but it will be much easier for your child if you and your ex keep big issues like off-limit activities, homework rules and curfews the same.
• Always drop off your child at the other parent’s house. It prevents one parent from interrupting time with the other and is easier for the child.
• Create a special routine for your child’s arrival. Knowing what to expect when they gets there eases the transition.
• Give your child their own space. If your child can’t have their own bedroom, provide space somewhere in the house that is only for their belongings. A dresser drawer, toy bin or closet will do.
• Keep communication open with your ex when it comes to grades, tutoring needs and homework expectations.

Check in with your child’s feelings often. Note when they are having trouble adjusting. Whether your child is staying at the mother’s or father’s home, they must know that one thing always stays the same—they are loved.

By Melanie OﾒBrien

©2014-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

There are many things you can do to make the distance seem shorter, like keeping in regular touch and planning your visits ahead.

There are many issues that come with parenting from a distance. And there are many reasons you might find yourself here: divorce, break up from a partner, military deployment, job relocation, and more. It’s hard on the parents and hard on the kids. But there are some ways to make it easier.

Phone

It sounds simple, but phone calls are still the best way to keep in touch. It used to be that families would plan for weekly phone calls from other members. This is still a great idea. Plan the day(s) of the week and time(s) that work best and keep the phone date(s). Depending on the age of your child, you might want to read them a bedtime story, help them with science homework, or talk about the latest episode from a series you both watch. Hearing each other’s voice keeps the bond familiar.

Electronic media

You can also plan video calls in addition to your phone calls. Most smartphones and computers are able to run live video applications like Skype and FaceTime. This will give you a chance to not only see your child, but also her surroundings and what she wants to share: her puppy, new shoes, a drawing she just did. You can do the same. It gives a sense of comfort and normalcy to see what your daily lives are like.

Take digital pictures or videos to share. They can be of familiar people or places, or things that remind you of them, like the sunset or your friend’s child who makes a funny face while eating a lemon slice. You can text or email the pictures and videos, or post them to their social media accounts if they have profiles and the images aren’t private. You can also have copies of digital prints made and put them into a shared photo album.

Old school media

Before smartphones, email, and social networking, we relied on letters and postcards to keep in touch. It is still a thrill to get something in the mail. In fact, even more so since it’s not done often. You don’t need to be away on vacation to send a “wish you were here” type message. Keep a letter log about your week, or write a short postcard to tell about a moment that reminded you of your child. Then, stick a stamp on it and mail it.

Small gifts

Many long-distance parents feel guilty for being away and want to make it up to their kids. Resist the urge to send big gifts or take costly breaks when you’re together. Know that most kids really just want you and your time. Just as a letter or postcard is exciting, a little gift or package to show you care will go a long way. You could send wrapped sweets, a small toy, CD, or book. If it’s not a birthday or special event but “just because,” that’s even better.

Surprise visits

If it’s possible financially and OK with the other parent who is most often caring for your child, plan a surprise visit or two. This will work best if you are in regular touch with your kids and they are at an age where this would be not only appropriate but down-right exciting. This should be planned well ahead to make sure it’s a success.

Plan well

Speaking of planning well, make sure you think about your coming visits and do the most with your time together. Be careful not to over plan. Have a well thought out itinerary that involves daily needs like eating and napping (if needed for the child), as well as fun activities, and down time to recharge. Leave time to add in unplanned events as well. You never know what might come up as you all are enjoying your time together.

With planned attentiveness and constant communication, life as a long-distance parent can be a little easier. Keep up a good working relationship with the other parent whether you are together as a couple or not. Keep in mind that they bear the brunt of the daily schedule and take on most of the duties. They also likely know your child best and can help you see what their daily life is like. Don’t try to outdo the other parent or talk badly about them with your child. You want to make your relationship with your child as close as you can.

By Andrea Rizzo, M.F.A.

©2016-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Staying Connected with the Kids from Long Distance: http://fatherhood.about.com/od/relationshipswithkids/a/long_distance.htm; Tips for Long-distance Parenting: www.huffingtonpost.com/diana-mercer/tips-for-long-distance-pa_b_798533.html

Summary

Consider how your children, finances, and legal issues will be taken care of within your encore marriage.

Getting married for the second (or more) time around? Even if you have logged some years as a spouse, there are many issues to think over when taking on marriage again.

Depending on what point you are at in life, you might have young children from your last marriage or be marrying a spouse who has children. There is also the matter of finances. You and your spouse might not make the same amount of money and will need to settle on your goals as a couple. From a legal standpoint, you might think about a premarital agreement to cover your kids, finances, and more in the event of breakup or death.

When children make more than three

If you’re blending in children from earlier marriages, chances are the family won’t fit as neatly together as you might imagine. That’s OK. It’s hard enough for kids to have a new parental figure, let alone a brother or sister. Kids get very used to family dynamics, and it can be hard for them to change. Adding in new chores, making new household rules, or having new expectations at home can make a child feel angry about the union.

Even though it’s vital for kids to feel loved and cared for, it’s equally as worthy to make sure the new marriage is a strong one. The last marriage didn’t last. It could have been from incompatibility, money worries, or the death of a spouse. You and your new partner will want to have a strong bond not only for your own joy, but to model a good relationship for your kids.

You will also need to have talks with your new partner before the kids are involved. If the other parent is still living, you might face issues from them about the new arrangement. Still, a discussion needs to take place. Ask:

• Which parent is paying for what? Think about daily supplies, schooling, and health bills.
• What will a normal school week look like? Think about getting the child to and from school, helping with homework, and going to teacher meetings.
• How will school breaks be handled? Think about who will take time off of work or other events to be with the child when he is sick or out of school during off days.

Money issues

Finances are one of the biggest breaking points in relationships. Since you have been part of a committed union in the past, you or your new partner might be wary of mixing finances. Still, having some joint funds does make daily and household costs that much simpler to keep up. You might have the issue of choosing which home to keep—meaning one of you will have to move while the other will have to shift items around to make room for you. Or you could have wildly different financial goals about when you want to retire, or how you want to invest your money.

There are some very real money issues to talk over before you say “I do” again:

• Where do you want to live? If you have the financial freedom, choosing a new place might work best for both partners to feel at home.
• How will you pay your expenses? This can involve expenses for your children, but also mortgages or rent, utilities, groceries, and more.
• Will you mix your money or keep it separate? Having at least one joint account for shared living expenses can be helpful.

Premarital agreements

Making a prenuptial agreement (or prenup) is not just for the very rich. It can be for any person who would like to keep their life structure more or less the way it is in case of death or divorce. This involves money, but also keeping assets for your children, and protecting a business or household in your family. People who have had negative divorce outcomes in the past might be more apt to put a prenup in place. But, it can be a difficult conversation to bring up to your new partner.

If you feel like a prenup would be good for you, talk with your partner as soon as you can. You can make one in case of death and the other in case of divorce, and write them with your combined future life in mind.

Consider speaking together to an attorney or financial consultant to help you with these big decisions.

Even though there is much to think over when tying the knot again, there is so much more to gain from a happy, healthy relationship. It’s worth the hard work.

By Andrea Rizzo, MFA

©2016-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Marriage Money and Property: http://family.findlaw.com/marriage/marriage-money-property.html; 9 Things to Consider Before Blending a Family: www.blendedfamilymoments.com/2012/10/9-things-to-consider-before-blending.html

Conflict is a normal part of family life, but blended families often face extra challenges. Your children may resent their stepparent. Their connection with their other parent may add stress to your lives. You and your partner may disagree about how to parent.

There are ways to prepare for conflict and resolve issues as they occur.

Preventing conflict

• Set aside time each week to discuss family issues with your partner. Plan for everyone’s schedules for the upcoming week. Work out driving duties, school or daycare needs, and visits with the other parent or relatives.
• Try not to argue in front of the children. They may take sides, which can divide a stepfamily. Work through disagreements out of earshot of the children.
• Schedule regular time alone with your partner. It’s important to keep your relationship strong. It is the foundation on which your family is built. 
• Head off trouble. If the switch home from the other parent’s house is rocky, do something fun. Create rituals for the return home. Go for a walk together, stop for ice cream, or do a puzzle to ease back into the old routine.

Your relationship with your ex

• Try to build a positive relationship with the children’s other biological parent. If the other parent resists, find ways to let your stepchildren know you support that relationship. Make it easy for them to see the other parent. Let them know it makes you happy when their visits go well.
• If the children’s other parent has reasonable rules of behavior, dress, etc., try to enforce the same rules when they are with you.
• When you don’t agree with the other parent’s rules and parenting style, remind the children that it’s OK for different households to have their own rules. Don’t be critical of the other parent’s rules. 
• Don’t bad-mouth the other parent. If the child is angry with the other parent, be a sounding board, but don’t join in the criticism.

Household rules and discipline

• Set a few rules that are important to you and your partner. If you have too many, the children may feel overly controlled. Instead, talk with the children about expectations and appropriate behavior.  
• The biological parent in your blended family should be the one who disciplines the children and enforces the rules. Both partners should agree on the discipline, however.
• Make it clear to the children that you expect them to respect the stepparent’s authority. Let them know they are to follow household rules, even in the biological parent’s absence.

By Sharron Luttrell, Military OneSource

When a couple with children from other relationships form a home together, it can take several years for everyone to feel like a family. Here are some things you can do to help the process along.

Help everyone feel at home

With so many changes, it’s important that everyone feels comfortable at home.

• If possible, rent or buy a home together so everyone gets to start fresh on neutral ground. Nobody will resent having their “steps” move into their home and nobody will feel like outsiders in somebody else’s home.
• Combine furnishings from both homes as much as possible.
• Give the children a say in how you set up your household. If they’re old enough, let them pick out curtains and paint colors. Ask their opinion on how to arrange the furniture.
• Allow the children to have space all their own. Even if they live with you part time, give each child their own place to store their  belongings. Allow your kids to decorate their space, even if it’s half of a shared bedroom or the wall near their bed. 

Create family traditions

Special traditions and rituals help your family to bond.

• Talk with your partner about how your blended family will celebrate birthdays and holidays. That way, everyone will have the same expectations for these important events.
• Start new traditions for your blended family. Eat breakfast foods for dinner on Friday nights. Have a family game night or a “movie of the week.” Let the kids choose an activity each week or month to do as a family. The important thing is to make it a regular event.
• Create annual traditions: Apple picking in the fall, sledding in the winter, an outing to an amusement park in the summer, etc. Looking forward to special events each year will help everyone connect as a family.

Do things together—and apart

Make an effort to do things as a family, but spend quality time with just your partner and your biological children, too.

• Even if everyone has different schedules, try to eat dinner together at least once a week.
• Attend your stepchildren’s activities. Sports, recitals and school events are part of your family life. This tells the children that you take your role as stepparent seriously.
• Spend time alone regularly with your biological children. That will help them understand they’re special to you. Make sure your partner does the same with his biological children.
• Spend time alone with your partner, without the children. A strong partnership will help keep your blended family stable.

By Sharron Luttrell, Military OneSource