Working With Others

Do you find that most of your relationships have a lot of conflict? Take an honest look at your part in all the unrest. To help you in your search, you might also:

• Ask a loved one if they ever find you difficult.
• Be alert to others avoiding or ignoring you.
• Start to record the number and nature of conflicts in your life.
• Reflect on relationships and jobs that have gone wrong.

What makes you difficult?

If you suspect you are responsible for troubled relationships look for the emotions that cause your difficult behavior. The three likely causes are fear, anger and depression:

Fear and insecurity can cause you to:

• Gossip and put down people you envy
• Suspect that others mean you harm
• Worry constantly to others
• Try to control everyone and everything
• Dread failure and disapproval, making it hard to listen to criticism

Anger can cause you to:

• Blame others for anything that goes wrong
• Be bossy or bullying
• Judge others harshly
• Refuse to admit you are wrong
• Refuse to submit to authority

Depression or low moods can cause you to:

• Talk negatively and complain frequently to others
• Take everyone and everything too personally
• Believe you are always the victim
• Doubt your potential to be liked or to succeed
• Resent others who are happy, successful, etc.

Knowing the emotion causing your difficult behavior can help you focus on healthy ways to cope with those feelings. Talk to someone you trust, keep a journal or practice relaxation techniques.

Changing your ways

If you want to become less difficult, you can change some of your old habits. Whenever possible, plan how you will respond to others. For example, if you know you’re feeling irritable, rehearse in your mind how you will treat your child or co-worker with kindness if they make a demand on you. Consider giving up the following destructive attitudes:

• The need to always be right
• The need to be constantly in control
• The need to be perfect
• The need to be loved by everyone
• The need to blame
• The need to be free of conflict and frustration

Keep practicing—it will get easier.

By Laurie M. Stewart

©2004-2022 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Take full responsibility—avoid blaming others.
• Stay action-oriented.
• Review the system you used.
• Develop a plan to prevent future mistakes.

Are you upset because you’ve made a serious mistake on the job? Perhaps you’ve misquoted financial figures to an important customer. Or did you forget an important deadline?

It’s normal to feel shame when you’re in this situation. But don’t allow fear to traumatize you. Try to figure out why the mistake occurred and how you can avoid repeating it. Your overall goal is to learn from the mistake.

Your immediate goal is to communicate a willingness to take full responsibility, plus do damage control. Talk with your supervisor to assess those individuals who will need to know about the error—such as top management or your customers.

Assess the damage

• Stay focused in reality. Naturally, you’ll imagine the worst that can happen. But instead, try to assess what probably will occur as a result of your mistake.
• Don’t waste energy on melodrama. You’ll use up energy you need to deal with actual issues. You’re not the first human to make a mistake.
• Stay action-oriented. Try to figure out specific steps that could improve the situation. If you don’t know what to do, ask your boss.
• Don’t beat yourself up too much for inconveniencing others. If, however, your mistake could physically harm others or get your employer sued, do everything in your power to prevent the harm.

Talk to your boss

• Avoid becoming defensive. This will only cause you to feel like a victim. Over-explaining or over-apologizing will make you look and feel out of control.
• Ask for feedback. If you know why you made the mistake, confess. Otherwise, ask your boss to help walk through your situation with you. Was it an error of judgment, lack of skill on your part, or lack of information that flubbed you up?  Believe it or not, mistakes can be your ticket to future power. For instance, if co-workers’ negligence helped cause the error, it should be easier to tell them, “In the future, I reserve the right to personally give everyone reminder calls right before important deadlines.”
• Avoid blaming others directly. Although a co-worker may be a part of the problem, let this information surface gradually when you speak with the boss. It’s better not to take on the role of smoothing everything out. This forces others—especially higher ups—to take a look at the role of others. 
• Review the system you used. Did your system fail you? Or, did you fail the system? For example, if you filled out schedules with errors, was it because you failed to hold other co-workers’ feet to the fire? Did you provide them with a sheet requiring them to supply information—with clearly noted deadlines? 

Talking with co-workers and clients

When you must discuss your mistake with others, keep focusing on what actions will help and how the mistake could be avoided in the future. Again, avoid personal attacks on any individual. His reaction will only complicate your stress.

Reassure customers or clients. Expect them to vent some emotions. After all, if they will be largely inconvenienced or lose productivity, they will probably act out emotionally to some degree—maybe even to the point of threatening to get you fired.

Do accept responsibility, but don’t play the victim’s role. Share information appropriately and professionally with co-workers and clients, but maintain your dignity and self-worth in all conversations. Don’t try to fix the emotions of others. You don’t have that kind of power.

Preventing mistakes

Ask your boss to help you develop a specific plan of action to prevent such mistakes in the future. For example, you might do some of the following:

• Use tracking sheets for projects.
• Give reminder phone calls.
• State your boundaries early on.

When someone else discovers your mistake

If others discover your mistake before you do, remember these truths:

• One error seldom makes or breaks anyone. All of us are judged on how we work and what we value over a long period of time. Unless there is a huge breach of ethics on your part—for example, mismanaging company resources on purpose—few people will see you as inept or deserving to be terminated. They know they could easily be in your shoes.
• Some people may try to use your mistake against you. However, stay confident and tough. Don’t hide out in your cubbyhole. Move forward and continue to take risks and conduct business as usual. If others try to define you by a single mistake—rather than your talents, skills, and values—that’s their problem.

By Judi Light Hopson

©2003-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Confront the perpetrator, asking them to stop the behavior.
• Document offensive behaviors.

Maureen has a problem with her co-worker, Jim. “During a recent project meeting, I was venting my frustration over the workload, and he reached out and rubbed my shoulder. Another time, he said ‘hi,’ squeezing my arm as we passed in the hall. Touching makes me feel very uncomfortable, but I’m not sure he means anything by it. I don’t want to get the guy in trouble—he’s a nice guy and a good worker. But I want the behavior to stop.”

Maureen’s problem with Jim illustrates a gray area surrounding sexual harassment that many women—and even some men—experience in the workplace. Is Jim’s behavior sexual harassment? Or is Maureen overreacting?

What is sexual harassment?

Sexual harassment is any unwelcome physical or verbal conduct of a sexual nature in the workplace. Offensive jokes, suggestive comments, offensive pictures or objects, or flirting can be considered sexual harassment if the behavior or situation interferes with an individual’s job performance or creates an intimidating, hostile, or offensive work environment—even if the perpetrator truly didn’t “mean any harm.”

Research suggests that even low-level sexual harassment—the gray area—can impact an individual’s emotional well-being, professional relationships and job satisfaction, as well as economic status (if the individual chooses to leave the job to escape the situation).

Maureen suspects that Jim simply wants to be supportive of her. Still, she finds his behavior offensive, and it causes her emotional distress. What can Maureen do to stop the unwanted behavior and encourage a purely professional relationship with Jim?

Coping with sexual harassing behavior—a direct approach

Confront the perpetrator, asking him/her to stop the behavior:

Be specific. Keep your body posture strong and assured. Do not smile. Make it clear that you don’t like the behavior. You do not need to be apologetic or provide explanation. Here are some examples:

• “Jim, sometimes you touch me when we are talking, such as rubbing my shoulder or squeezing my arm when you pass. I prefer that you do not touch me when we talk.”
• “Mary, I would like you to stop staring at me in the break room and making suggestive comments—it’s offensive to me.”

If the first attempt fails, try again with a stronger rebuff:

• “Jim, I’ve told you not to touch me. I insist that you stop.”

A third and final attempt to ask the perpetrator to stop could go like this:

• “Mary, I’ve already told you that the way you look and talk to me is inappropriate and offensive. If you do not stop, I’m going to have to report this behavior to personnel.”

If spoken attempts to stop the offensive behavior fail, put your demands in writing and hand deliver the letter to the perpetrator:

List the explicit behavior, including as much detail as possible, such as when and where the behavior occurred and any witnesses to the incident. Also, mention how you want your relationship to be. For example, “I want our relationship to be purely professional.” If the behavior occurs more than once or twice, mention that the specific incident described in the letter is just one of many. A written approach shows that you are very serious and are possibly considering reporting the behavior.

Document offensive behaviors using a bound book that paper cannot be added to.

Detail the incident, as previously described. Jot down direct quotes; collect evidence, such as notes or materials sent to you. Keep your documentation at home.

Tell people you trust about the offending behavior when it happens.

Consider reporting the behavior to personnel or your supervisor.

Direct versus indirect coping strategies

The above approaches for dealing with inappropriate behavior or harassment are direct coping strategies. Confronting the harasser is an effective way to stop the unwanted behavior; it’s a problem-focused approach.

Most women, however, opt for indirect coping strategies, which are emotion-focused, such as:

• Avoiding the harasser
• “Laughing off” or excusing the behavior (such as, “Well, he’s in the middle of a divorce, so he’s going through a lot right now” or “This dress is a little short—I brought it on myself”)
• Reconceptualizing the behavior (such as, “She’s just complimentary” or “He’s just being supportive”)

If someone is making you feel uncomfortable at work, you need to take direct action sooner rather than later. Allowing the problem to persist can reduce self-esteem and cause feelings of self-doubt, self-blame, guilt, fear, anxiety, and depression. All of this can erode your conviction to directly approach the offender and solve the problem.

For more advice on handling sexual harassment, contact your employee assistance program or human resources department.

By Christine P. Martin

©2004-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Sexual Harassment in the Workplace and Academia: Psychiatric Issues edited by Diane K. Shrier, M.D. American Psychiatric Press, 1996; “Job-Related and Psychological Effects of Sexual Harassment in the Workplace: Empirical Evidence from Two Organizations” by Kimberly T. Schneider, Suzanne Swan and Louise Fitzgerald. (1997) Journal of Applied Psychology, 82(3); “Coping Styles” in Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, February, 2003.

Summary

• Be tidy.
• Control volume of voice, music, etc.
• Respect your co-worker’s space.
• Avoid eavesdropping.

Cubicles can facilitate office camaraderie, teamwork and communication. But open-plan officing also has some drawbacks, such as unexpected interruptions and lack of privacy. Many companies offer solutions by providing a place for employees to make private phone calls, have confidential meetings, retreat with co-workers or get away for quiet, solitary thinking. Take advantage of such resources if your company offers them.

Everyone should practice cubicle etiquette, however. Take a look at these pointers:

Your space

• Keep your cubicle tidy and free of offensive material (like posters, mugs, screensavers, etc.)
• Set your music volume low so that you are the only one able to hear it. Avoid music with heavy bass—although the volume may be low, its thumping rhythm still can be a distraction to others. Consider using headphones or earbuds, but make sure co-workers can get your attention.
• Control the volume of your voice. People tend to raise their voices when speaking on the phone. If this is a problem for you, post a reminder to speak softly on your phone.
• Avoid wearing too much perfume or cologne or using air fresheners in your office space.
• Do not use a speakerphone.
• Be aware of the noise you make—even those that seem insignificant, like chewing ice, loud yawning, blowing your nose and burping. Retreat to the restroom to relieve personal discomforts.
• Forward your phone to the office voicemail system when you plan to be away from your desk. Remember also to turn off your personal cell phone or take it with you when you leave.
• Avoid eating at your desk. Not only can wafting smells be unpleasant to others, so can the sound of your munching.
• If a group collects around your door, suggest that you all move to a common space.
• Establish a system to let others know when you don’t want to be disturbed. Provide a way for people to leave you a message without disturbing you, such as a clean-erase board or hanging in-box outside your cubicle wall.

Your co-worker’s space

• Don’t assume that your co-worker is available just because you see they’re at their desk. Knock lightly to get your co-worker’s attention. Wait to be invited in.
• If your co-worker is not in their cubicle, don’t wait in their seat. Leave a note that you stopped by, asking them to call or send a message when they return.
• If you need to talk with a fellow employee, don’t holler through the walls. Pick up the phone, send an email or message or walk over to their cubicle.
• Avoid “prairie dogging”—the practice of hanging over workstation walls to talk with other staff members.
• If your co-worker is on the phone, don’t hover by the door until they’re finished or attempt to communicate your message through distracting gestures. Leave a message or come back later.
• Avoid eavesdropping on your co-worker’s phone calls or conversations.

By Christine P. Martin

©2001-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Accept your boss’s authority.
• Talk to your boss if you’re unhappy.
• Understand your value to your boss.

Even though you don’t consider your boss your best friend, and even though you may be a bit wary of someone who has authority over you, you still can get along with your boss. And, getting along with your boss can make you feel more in control of your own productivity and happiness at work.

Accept your boss’s authority

Authority probably is the main issue in how you interact with your boss. Your boss has authority over you in the workplace. Your boss no doubt makes more money than you do, has a bigger office than you do, and has more power than you do. That is because your boss has the job of motivating you, supervising your work, and making sure that everyone in your unit works together to get certain things done. That is what constitutes authority.

Yuck, authority. For you, the word may conjure up speeding tickets, or a snippy authoritarian teacher or a dentist telling you to floss so you won’t get gum disease. Even so, authority exists, and it exists for good reasons.

Once you accept the reality of your boss’s authority, you can move on to your own options in getting along with your boss and, in the process, making your work life happier. If you basically are happy with your job, just accepting this reality may be enough.

Talk to your boss if you’re unhappy

If you have specific things that make you unhappy in your job, though, it may help to have a conversation about them with your boss. Your boss is not a mind reader. Feedback from you is important in helping your boss do a good job. If you know of specific changes or improvements that would make your job more satisfying, and therefore help you do your job better, ask your boss about them. Probably the worst thing that can happen is that your boss will say no.

If you decide to have this conversation, focus on solutions instead of just raising problems. Try to think through, ahead of time, what you would like to have that you are not getting. Go in with the attitude that whatever the differences between you and your boss, there must be some agreeable compromise.

In presenting your thoughts or ideas, it usually is effective to use “I” statements. This is nothing more than stating your own experience—how you feel about something in the office situation—instead of suggesting that the boss is doing something wrong. Here’s an example: “I feel undervalued when you ask us what equipment we need to do our jobs, and I circle things in the office-products catalog and they don’t get ordered.” Now compare that to: “You never order any equipment I ask for.” OK, so this might not be the exact conversation you had in mind, but you get the point. Talk about yourself without blaming your boss, if possible.

Change your perception

It also may help to shift your point of view from “I am a slave laborer and must do anything my boss asks” to the more balanced, “My boss needs me as much as I need my boss, and if we get along we can make each other’s work life more satisfying.”

This may not be apparent, but—assuming you are doing a good job—even though your boss has authority, you have some power, too. Think about what kind of jam your boss would be in if you quit. Think about how much of your boss’s time would be required to hire and train the next worker in your position. Chances are, your boss really does need your work and collaboration.

Think of yourself as a free person who has elected to put a certain number of hours into a certain job and who wants to enjoy doing that job. You do have the ability to leave your job, and remembering this truth often can allow you to construct a situation at work where you enjoy your choice to work and feel you are of value to your boss.

By Rebecca Steil, LICSW, MPH

©1999-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• If you are going to drink alcohol, be sure you know your limits, and stick to them.
• Handle your special dietary needs by making sure there will be appropriate food there, or eat before you go.

Do you need a strategy for handling your workplace holiday party? Yes! Every company party—no matter when or where it’s held, how casual or formal it seems—is still a business meeting. What you do and how you do it will be seen as directly related to your capabilities, like it or not.

So go—and have fun! Keep these pointers in mind.

• Know what’s expected. Gifts? What to wear? When to arrive or leave?
• If you are going to drink alcohol, be sure you know your limits, and stick to them.
• Handle your special dietary needs by making sure there will be appropriate food there, or eat before you go. Don’t make snide comments about what you can’t eat.
• Work the room. Don’t huddle with the people you know. You’ve got a great opportunity to get to know—and make an impression on—others in the company. Talk with people in different departments and at different staff levels.
• Keep conversation light. Try not to talk shop all the time. Move away from people who want to gripe.
• Do you struggle with making small talk? Think of the party as a large, informal “focus group.” Gather input on projects/activities—personal or professional—by circulating among small groups, asking 1 or 2 key questions that will help flesh out your ideas. Tell people what you’re doing…they’ll get into it!
• Remember, these people are your co-workers, not your best friends or potential mates (usually!). Be careful not to get too personal—or too close—in what you say or do.
• Set aside internal politics. Now is not the time to trot out your scorecard of rights and wrongs done by other departments or people.
• Know who will be there—spouses, outside vendors or consultants, staff from other company sites. Figure out who you want to get next to—or away from—beforehand. Stay away from people you don’t get along with.
• Say thanks—to the owner, the boss, the sponsor, the host, the party planners, your secret Santa. Send a formal note (maybe an email) if appropriate.

In spite of your best efforts, you may do something you regret. What’s the best way to handle those “morning after” blues?

• Apologize immediately—and profusely.
• Talk with the person about what happened—and why.
• Make your work performance outstanding so people focus on your strengths, not your party gaffe.

By Rebecca Thomas

©1999-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

With so many laws and policies aimed at preventing harassment in the workplace, make sure you understand the rules and regulations governing your office.

You probably know that state and federal laws are in place to prevent discrimination and harassment in the workplace. When someone is harassed because of gender, race, color, religion or national origin, it is a violation of Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 (usually referred to as Title VII).

But, what kinds of actions constitute harassment? Telling an off-color joke? Putting up a cartoon on a bulletin board? Any behavior that creates a hostile work environment could be classified as harassment, although a pattern of abusive or degrading conduct usually is necessary to meet the legal definition. In other words, a single incident usually isn’t considered harassment by the courts.

Many companies have developed strict internal policies to address the issue and prevent expensive lawsuits. Most employers also have established formal procedures for reporting incidents. Here’s what you should know about harassment at the office.

Company policy

Your employer may have an anti-harassment policy that’s even stricter than the federal laws. Find out exactly how your company defines harassment by contacting the human resources department and requesting a written copy of the official policy, if you don’t already have it. You may want to ask how incidents are investigated and the type of disciplinary action usually taken.

Everyone in your office should know exactly what the company considers harassment and discrimination. If you aren’t sure, you’re probably not alone. Let a supervisor or human resources counselor know that your department needs the company’s harassment policy clarified. You may want to request an explanatory memo or a group meeting with human resources to discuss the issue.

State and federal law

You probably know that state and federal laws are in place to prevent discrimination and harassment in the workplace. When someone is harassed because of gender, race, color, religion or national origin, it is a violation of Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 (usually referred to as Title VII).

But, what kinds of actions constitute harassment? Telling an off-color joke? Putting up a cartoon on a bulletin board? Any behavior that creates a hostile work environment could be classified as harassment, although a pattern of abusive or degrading conduct usually is necessary to meet the legal definition. In other words, a single incident usually isn’t considered harassment by the courts.

Many companies have developed strict internal policies to address the issue and prevent expensive lawsuits. Most employers also have established formal procedures for reporting incidents. Here’s what you should know about harassment at the office.

Use common sense

A good piece of advice is to not make potentially offensive jokes or comments, and avoid displaying suggestive or degrading materials in the workplace. If you even suspect that a remark or action could be considered harassment, don’t say it. When in doubt, ask your company’s human resources department. You might also ask yourself the following questions:

• Would you say or do it in front of your spouse or parent?
• How would you feel if someone you cared about was subjected to the same words or behavior?
• Would your supervisor consider this behavior professional?

With so many laws and policies aimed at preventing harassment in the workplace, make sure you understand the rules and regulations governing your office. If you have questions, ask. After all, the best work environment is one where everyone feels comfortable.

By Lauren Greenwood

©2000-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, www.eeoc.gov; U.S. Department of Labor, www.dol.gov

Summary

Trust means:

• Doing what you say you’re going to do
• Communicating openly
• Creating a positive environment

Trust is so key to a properly functioning workplace that it can best be illustrated by picturing what happens when trust is absent.

What lack of trust can do

When co-workers don’t trust each other, problems are not communicated. That means issues small and large go unaddressed, and the bottom line is hurt by missed deadlines, mangled projects, angry clients, and staff turnover.

When trust is not there, people start acting out of fear and defensiveness. They start guarding their turf and not sharing the knowledge needed to get the job done. People become more interested in making themselves or their department look good—and they stop focusing on company goals.

Without trust, suspicion, anger, hidden agendas, manipulation, and hurt feelings bloom.

Lack of trust also puts a curb on initiative and innovation. People become afraid to express ideas and take measured risks—the ingredients for growth.

What does “trust” in the workplace mean?

“Trust” can mean a number of things to different people. For many, it means that you can count on people to:

• Do what they say they’re going to do
• Communicate problems and issues as needed
• Fulfill promises and contracts
• Keep private what needs to be kept private
• Be honest
• Not lie
• Make a positive environment in which all can be effective, responsible, and innovative

People have to earn trust, and even then trust is a calculated risk. But at the same time, it’s important to risk trust rather than be the type of person who distrusts everyone and everything. The latter person is building walls that will limit her experiences, her network, her relationships, and her access to ideas and opportunities.

How to be trusted

• Show trust in others. That doesn’t mean being gullible or naive, but it does mean making sure you are not suspicious of others without cause. To be trusted you must communicate clearly, regularly, and honestly with co-workers, bosses, and clients. If there’s a problem, let the right people know.
• Make sure people can come to you and let you know if there’s a problem. If you always react with rage or hatred, people are going to avoid telling you bad news. That doesn’t help solve problems. Instead, thank people for pointing out the problem, and then work as a team on a solution. You will gain in the long run by stopping issues before they get out of hand and by creating an atmosphere of trust. These open-communication rules should be stated upfront and in writing and reviewed often.
• Don’t over-promise and then under deliver—but always deliver on time and fulfill expectations. It’s much better to give yourself a longer deadline and then bring the project in on time and in good shape, then promise big and come up short. If problems come up that affect your deadline, tell the person right away, set a new and realistic due date, then meet it.
• If you mess up, take responsibility and move on. If someone else messes up, forgive him and move on.
• Become familiar with workplace rules and regulations, and don’t violate them.
• Do not indulge in gossip and negative talk. If you’re cornered by someone who is gossiping or ranting, you can:
• Walk away
• Say you’re withholding judgment until you have more facts
• Find something positive to add to the conversation
• State a different opinion

If you’re a manager

• Give people responsibility and then don’t hover. Let them make some key decisions.
• Back your workers up if there’s a problem, only if they have earned that level of trust.
• Don’t spy on staff and divert energy trying to catch them taking a longer lunch, coming in late, or wasting time. If it gets out of hand, then you can deal with it. The trust you build by giving people some flexibility and allowing for human weaknesses will benefit the company more than if you start acting like a paranoid Big Brother.
• Make sure office policies are fair and apply to low-level and senior staff alike.

By Amy Fries

©2008-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

For the meeting facilitator:

• Meet with all (and only) those necessary to do the job.
• Start the meeting at the designated time.
• Introduce meeting participants.

Meetings are a great way to share info and come up with ideas with members of your team about job developments. But, if they are not led well, they can be a waste of time. The success of a meeting depends not only on the skill of the leader, but also on the attentiveness of the listener.

Leaders

Here are guidelines for a meeting leader:

• Meet with all (and only) those needed to do the job.
• Start on time and make sure the meeting ends on time.
• Introduce meeting participants. Have nametags if needed.
• Make an agenda and stick to it. Use handouts if applicable.
• Set up meeting rules (for example, no side conversations; stress promptness for all attendees).
• Limit agenda items.
• Avoid the urge to solve problems in the meeting (unless that is the agenda item).
• Project your voice so that everyone can hear you.
• Ask if anyone has questions at different points throughout the meeting. Look at the person who is speaking.
• Involve everyone in the group. Turn to people who haven’t offered an opinion and ask for one.
• Encourage other points of view, critical thinking, and constructive disagreement.
• Keep visual aids simple.
• Stay focused.
• Record follow-up items.
• Verify the next meeting date, time, place, and participants. Let everyone know that you have kept a list of items not covered that day, and that you will talk to them later.

For a meeting that has people joining by phone or video, remember to include them, too. Keep in mind that people who are on the phone can’t see what’s going on in the room, so they can’t see your gestures or visual aids.

As the meeting is ending, press for a conclusion. Use the last few moments to sum up highlights and decisions and restate all assignments and deadlines. End on a good note by thanking participants for being there and their contributions.

Attendees

Do

• Be on time
• Pay attention
• Be prepared and know what it is you are expected to contribute
• Take part in in the discussion
• Be brief, to the point, focused, and polite in your comments

Don’t

• Carry on side conversations
• Make jokes that not everyone can understand. This is especially important if there are people on the phone. Remember that humor doesn’t always translate across phone lines.

Resources

Presentation Zen: Simple Ideas on Presentation Design and Delivery, second edition, by Garr Reynolds. New Riders Press, 2011.

Mind Tools
www.mindtools.com

Toastmasters International
www.toastmasters.org

By Amy Daugherty

©2001-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Communicating at Work: Improve Your Speaking, Listening, Presentation and Correspondence Skills to Get More Done and Get What You Want at Work by Tony Alessandra and Phil Hunsaker. Fireside Books, 1993; Making Successful Presentations: A Self-teaching Guide (second edition) by Terry C. Smith. John Wiley & Sons Inc., 1991.

Summary

• Try to see your boss’s perspective.
• Examine your part in his behavior.
• Keep her informed.
• Ask for more independence.

Dennis jokes that if he were to suddenly scoot his chair back from his desk, he’d roll over his boss’s toes. “She’s a micromanager and always looking over my shoulder,” says Dennis.

Feeling physically stifled isn’t the problem, however. Dennis complains that his boss:

• Tells him what to do and how to do it
• Deems every task urgent and a priority
• Questions Dennis’s decisions
• Often shifts goals and, as a result, muddies expectations
• Undermines Dennis’s ability to supervise through her lack of support and by sidestepping Dennis to give directives and seek information straight from his staff
• Thwarts productivity through her micromanaging behavior

Still, Dennis doesn’t want to leave his job. “I like what I do and my co-workers. Plus, my pay and benefits are great. But I wish I could change my boss’s management style,” Dennis explains.

Maybe you can relate.

Is changing your boss’s micromanaging habits possible?

“Highly unlikely,” says Taunee Besson, C.M.F., president of Career Dimensions, a company that gives career and professional development help to clients. “The micromanager must see that his management style is harmful to his own career before he is likely to try and change, and a subordinate usually isn’t the best person to point that out,” adds Besson.

But, says Besson, you can try to know the reasons for your boss’s actions and take steps that will help you cope with being micromanaged.

Analyze your boss; analyze yourself

Step into your boss’s shoes to get a view of your boss’s micromanaging behavior. Maybe your boss is feeling pressured by unrealistic or demanding expectations from her superiors. Maybe your boss feels overextended. Or perhaps your boss is stressed out by feelings of job insecurity.

Maybe you have something to do with your boss’s behavior. Have you fallen short of expectations, or are you new to the job? Perhaps your boss hovers because you have given him reason to doubt your performance. Maybe she hasn’t had enough time to build trust in you.

Taking a look at the situation also may help you see that the management style is merely temporary or periodic. If your boss is new to the job, or new to managing people, expect a little smothering until he feels comfortable with the role, as well as yours. Maybe your boss only micromanages under certain times, such as before a deadline or before she travels.

Micromanagers tend to stir up feelings of anger, resentment, and self-doubt. Analyzing your boss’s actions and place within the company will help keep you from taking his actions personally, and instead, help you see the behavior as a job challenge to overcome.

Control, or be controlled: Information is the key

“A key strategy to controlling a micromanaging boss is to change your own work style. Ask yourself, ‘What will my boss respond to?’” says Besson. The answer is information. Micromanagers deem even the smallest details important. Giving information before your boss makes a request will satisfy her desire to be in the know and keep your relationship with your boss productive and tolerable.

Besson says, “Often, behavioral modification will beget behavioral modification. If you are behaving in a way that provides a lot more comfort to a micromanager, he will be a lot more likely to reciprocate.”
Set up a steady and predictable structure to deliver information to your boss. Share:

• “This is what I’ve accomplished …”
• “This is what I need to do …”
• “This is how I plan to go about it …”
• “Do you have any suggestions or questions?”

“Taking the extra steps to keep your boss informed may be hard, but if you do this over a period of time, then her trust may grow sufficiently in you that she won’t have such a need to know every little thing you’re doing,” Besson reassures.

Helping your boss let go

If you feel comfortable asking your boss for more freedom on the job, try these approaches:

• “I’d like to have more freedom doing my job, and I think I am ready. Can we work together to name a project/task/area of responsibility that I can manage and report back to you on a timetable you’re comfortable with?”
• “I know you are very busy. What can I do to keep you up to date on my progress so that you don’t have to take time out of your day to check up on me?”

If your efforts fail

If your efforts to gain a little independence fail to pay off, think about seeking support elsewhere. Your company’s human resources department and employee assistance program are good places to start. Make sure to record your work, as well as your boss’s requests and directives, particularly if you are worried that your boss may use your performance evaluation against you.

Besson advises, too, “If the situation is tolerable, but you’re just not handling it with the nuance and political savvy that you could, then an executive coach can be very helpful.”

By Christine P. Martin

©2004-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Taunee S. Bession, C.F.M., president, Career Dimensions, board member, Association of Career Professionals International, board member, Association of Career Management Consulting Firms International; “Leading Despite Your Boss” by Gene Mage. HR Magazine, September 2003; “How to Survive Micro-Management” by Terry Bragg. Manage, Nov/Dec 2000; “Management Q & A” by Christopher Frings, Marti K. Bailey, Lawrence J. Crolla, Terry Jo Gile and Alton Sturtevant. Medical Laboratory Observer, August 2001.

Summary

• Talk things over.
• Avoid emphasizing your differences.
• Examine your own part in the tension.
• Clarify what you’re not saying.

Are you experiencing uneasy feelings with someone in your office? Maybe the two of you have clashed verbally in recent weeks. Did you disagree over something trivial? Or, did you fail to see eye-to-eye on an important project? 

While a single event can cause tension, you and a co-worker might find that you’re caught up in “job competition.” Job insecurity can cause any of us to behave in less than ideal ways. 

It can help to talk things over.

Preparing to talk

• Examine your own part in the tension. Try to figure out how you might have contributed to it in any way. Did you speak too harshly to your co-worker last week? Did you flaunt the fact that the boss bragged about you?

In order to perceive more about the problem, you’ve got to be mature enough to ask: “Am I guilty of acting inappropriately?”

• Schedule a time to talk with your co-worker. Tell her why you want to meet. This gives both of you time to prepare. For example, you might say, “I feel there’s a lot of tension between us. I’d like to talk about it, so that we can figure out how to reduce it.”
• Rehearse what you will say. This will help you appear less emotional and more logical. It also might be helpful to “role play” with your spouse or a trusted friend. This will help you figure out what’s important to state and what’s better left unsaid.

As you rehearse for your meeting, listen carefully to your own voice. People are more influenced by how you say something than by what you say. Try to sound both helpful and professional in tone.

Getting a dialogue underway

As you speak with your co-worker, these suggestions should help you get on track:

• Avoid emphasizing your differences. Work to build common ground every step of the way. Use words such as “we” and phrases such as “both of us”—implying that you’re working toward the same goals.
• Keep your own “venting” to a minimum. State your side of the situation and keep quiet as much as possible. Let the other person talk. Listening well shows respect. And, if your co-worker will talk openly, this will help him let off some of the steam he’s been directing at you.
• Clarify what you’re not saying. For example, you might say: “Brian, I don’t mean to imply that you’re not doing a good job. You are. I am just trying to see how we can make things run more smoothly between us.”
• Ask questions to build common ground. For example, you might say, “Do you think we’re clashing because we’re both under stress?” or “Do you feel I’ve been fair with you in the past?”
• Try to address what’s causing the tension. This may be the hardest part of your discussion—especially if the other person doesn’t want to admit jealousy or fear about job security (see next section). It’s tough to resolve any problem if you can’t uncover the cause of it.
• Ask for input on how to fix matters. Don’t pretend to have all the answers yourself. This will only add to the tension. It takes two willing people to cool tension, so realize that the other person must assume “ownership” in resolving matters. Say, “I’m open to hearing your ideas.”
• Don’t expect instant results. You may have to wait for your co-worker to soften. This person may have to think about your conversation.

Addressing job jealousy and fears

So what if you sense that change isn’t coming? Your inner voice tells you, “My co-worker doesn’t want to cooperate. My plan isn’t working.”

If this happens, your co-worker may see you as some kind of threat. Your talents and abilities somehow cause your co-worker to feel jealousy or pain. That, of course, is his problem. You can’t change things, but you can cope. 

Try these suggestions:

• Keep your nose to the grindstone. This is your best option for now. Don’t use up your energy agonizing over things. An unsympathetic co-worker may hope that you will exhaust yourself in emotional turmoil. This way, you’ll lose your work focus.

“My co-worker, Sarah, was angry that I was up for a promotion,” says Jackie, a retail supervisor. “Sarah even told several lies about me. Because Sarah is kin to the owner of our company, my boss wouldn’t reprimand her.”

Jackie says she simply turned her full attention to doing her work superbly well. “I refused to say another word to anyone about my jealous co-worker. I worked harder and focused on doing my best. I got the promotion.”

• Don’t feed the gossip mill. Keep quiet. This ability to hold your tongue shows you’re a “class act.” Besides, if you gossip about your co-worker, the tension itself can start to multiply. As it snowballs, the tension will be harder to tame.

If tension builds further, try to find a mediator. All of us have the right to work in a reasonably harmonious atmosphere. If your co-worker acts in ways that adversely affect your mental health, talk to a supervisor. Ask for intervention.

Perhaps an outside mediator could speak with you and your co-worker, offering fresh input in settling your differences. Then, you could meet with the mediator again in three weeks—and again in three months. This is one way to hold your co-worker accountable for her actions.

By Judi Light Hopson

©2002-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Get emotions under control
• Share your view of the problem
• Identify mutually acceptable solutions

Erik had had it. When his boss, Angie, gave another co-worker a project Erik had wanted and worked for, he was angry and hurt. “I’ve worked so hard to show that I’m capable, but Angie won’t trust me with more responsibility,” says Erik, who is nervous about confronting his boss.

Like Erik, most people fear confronting an employer. But dodging conflict often makes the situation worse. Using good conflict resolution skills, however, opens the lines of communication and results in clarified job expectations, a more pleasant work environment, better relations with your boss, and more potential for professional growth.

Try using these techniques to work through your on-the-job conflicts.

Get emotions under control

Allow yourself time to cool off before facing your boss. This helps establish a state of mind helpful to problem solving. Your efforts will fail if you have a “me versus my boss” attitude or if you predict results before talking out the issues.

Give consideration to the time and place of your discussion. Picking a neutral meeting place that is likely to be free of interruptions and distractions is best.

Address conflict and explore underlying issues and needs

How you communicate is the key to strong conflict resolution. Share your view of the problem, being careful not to accuse or blame. Focus on the issue, not the way you are feeling toward your boss. Take time to listen to your boss’s response, and try to see the situation from her view. Don’t interrupt. A respectful, rational conversation will help clarify the real issues.

Conflict can erupt over differing values, preferences, methods and goals, or a combination of factors. Often, conflict comes from unmet needs or expectations. And almost always, it is hard to untangle the issues involved without open and honest communication.

In this example, Angie wasn’t aware of Erik’s wish for more responsibility and control over his work. As a result, Erik viewed Angie as an overbearing micromanager who was always squelching his efforts to get ahead. When these feelings were brought to Angie’s attention, she assured Erik that giving the project to a co-worker was not a personal attack or a reflection of her opinion of Erik’s skills or quality of work.

Identify mutually acceptable solutions

After taking the time to clarify your position and feelings, define your expectations—what needs to happen to help your working conditions or your relationship with your boss? Don’t make demands. Instead, tell your boss that you want to find a solution that meets the needs of everyone involved. Bounce ideas off each other until you find a positive yet realistic solution.

Remember the positive potential of addressing conflict. Erik’s situation is a good example. Angie was happy to learn about Erik’s wish for more challenge and responsibility. “Turns out,” says Erik, “Angie has been snowed under with work, and she didn’t realize how out of touch she’s been with her staff. She also lost sight of the advantages of delegating. Now, she hosts a bi-monthly meeting for her staff to talk about current and impending work and to delegate projects at hand”—a solution that pleases everyone.

Resources

Resolving Conflicts at Work: Ten Strategies for Everyone on the Job by Kenneth Cloke and Joan Goldsmith. Jossey-Bass, 2011.

Conflict Resolution Network

By Christine P. Martin

©2000-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Can facilitate positive working relationships
• Can also complicate business relationships
• Proceed with care

Socializing outside the office can facilitate positive working relationships. When co-workers get to know each other, communication, cooperation, and morale generally improve. But personal relationships also can complicate business relationships, which is why you should proceed with care when building friendships among co-workers.

Complications of work-based friendships

The line between personal and business relationships can be fuzzy. Take, for example, Jenny and Rhonda, who are both marketing associates in the same department as well as close personal friends. At a recent sales meeting, Rhonda pitched an idea to her department, which Jenny failed to support. Rhonda took Jenny’s business decision personally, and both their friendship and working relationship suffered.

Work-based friendships can be an even greater challenge when the relationship is between a supervisor and subordinate or is romantic in nature. In such instances, ask yourself if pursuing the relationship is worth the professional risk.

Getting personal

Of course, some work-based relationships can potentially lead to lifelong friendships. As your familiarity grows, it is natural to want to open up about yourself as well as learn more about your co-worker/friend. How much of your personal life to disclose is up to you, but you should proceed with caution before talking about your: income and financial status, health, sexual orientation, marriage or love life, family life, problems at home, and religious beliefs.

Risk of rumors

Such intimate subjects are hot topics for gossip. When off the clock and in a carefree environment, it’s easy to let your guard down and reveal something a little too personal. It also can be tempting to join in on shoptalk, bad-mouth your boss or share something confidential. Avoid gossip at all costs, which can jeopardize friendships, co-worker relations and even your job. You also should avoid talking about people who are not present, because although what you say may seem harmless, you never know what is going to find its way back to the office.

Danger of drinking

Having one too many drinks while socializing with co-workers can cause trouble. Even if you don’t feel tipsy, your inhibitions and good sense may be suppressed. Alcohol undermines self-control, possibly resulting in loose lips, silly or obnoxious behavior, flirtatiousness or, even worse, complete humiliation. Such alcohol-induced behavior may come back to haunt you on the job. A supervisor who gets wind of your antics may think twice before assigning you more responsibility. Your peers may question your trustworthiness.

Hazards of humor

Your joke may seem harmless. But joke telling usually is at someone else’s expense. As a rule, avoid jokes based on ethnicity, race, religion, sex or gender, or that poke fun of specific causes or groups of people. You don’t need to lose your sense of humor, however. Find the humor in situations and learn to laugh at yourself.

By Christine P. Martin

©2001-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Approach your boss if rumor is causing high anxiety.
• Let rumors of job instability mobilize you to shape up your work habits.
• Avoid negative office gossip involving the personal lives of co-workers.

“Have you heard that management is thinking about layoffs?”

“I heard our department is going to merge with marketing.”

“I think Janet is using sick time to job hunt.”

If you work in an office, chances are you’ve heard similar gossip from time to time. The rumor mill is hard to avoid. But should you?

At times, office gossip can be a source of valid information that is useful to your job. But gossip can be harmful, too. For instance, an employee known to gossip may be seen as untrustworthy, which might affect the chance of future promotion. Gossip sent via an email or instant message could leak out to unintended recipients and undermine working relationships, or worse, be used as evidence in lawsuits. Knowing strategies for handling office gossip can help you make use of factual information as well as discredit rumors that are fictitious and potentially damaging to your reputation or career.

Scenario 1: Organizational rumor

Talk of mergers, acquisitions, personnel changes, downsizing, and restructuring can cause anxiety even in long-time employees. When such rumors begin to circulate, review the latest organizational communications, like newsletters, bulletin boards, and emails, for more information. Often, employees are too busy to read up on company news, and you may have overlooked some vital information.

Approach your boss if rumor is causing considerable anxiety and decreased productivity. If management is aware of the rumor mill, the company may step up efforts to quell speculation and pass along factual information to employees.

Sorting fact from fiction is not always possible, however. In such instances, ask yourself if the source of the rumor is credible. If so, rumors suggesting job instability can mobilize you to improve productivity and shape up your work habits. Management is especially attuned to employee work habits when decisions such as layoffs need to be made. You can also use “what if” scenarios to help you prepare for the worst, possibly giving you a head start on updating your resume and networking for other opportunities.

Scenario 2: When coworkers are the subject of rumor

A good rule of thumb is to avoid negative office gossip, particularly involving the personal and professional lives of coworkers. Sure, venting frustrations about an office mate or boss is tempting, but wait to talk with a close friend or spouse rather than spilling your guts to the mailroom clerk in the break room. If someone approaches you with some juicy gossip, politely interrupt by saying something like “I’m sorry. I cannot talk now. I’ve got to get this done ASAP.”

On the other hand, shoptalk can facilitate positive working relationships. Just be careful of the type of gossip you engage in. If you hear a rumor that you know to not be true, clear up the misinformation. You want people (and especially management) to think of you as a person who gets along with everyone, a team player who rises above petty gossip.

Scenario 3: When you’re the target

If you learn that you are a hot topic of gossip, take the following steps to end speculation, which can possibly jeopardize your reputation as well as your job:

• When you learn the gossip, set the record straight with the informing party. Thank him for letting you know what is being said and ask for the source of the gossip so that you can clear up the story. Assure the informant that you won’t let the source of the gossip know who shared the rumor with you.
• Confront the source of the gossip in private. Don’t be aggressive or angry. Try to elicit empathy—tell the gossiper why you are concerned about the gossip and how it may affect your job and reputation.

Resources

Emily Post’s The Etiquette Advantage in Business, Third Edition: Personal Skills for Professional Success, by Peter Post, Anna Post, Lizzie Post, and Daniel Post Senning. William Morrow, 2014.

You Said What? The Biggest Communications Mistakes Professionals Make by Kim Zoller and Kerry Preston. Brown Books, 2012.

By Christine P. Martin

©2001-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: “Did You Hear It Through the Grapevine?” Training & Development, October, 1994; Emily Post’s The Etiquette Advantage in Business: Personal Skills for Professional Success by Peggy Post and Peter Post. HarperResource, 1999; The Good News About Careers: How You’ll Be Working in the Next Decade by Barbara Moses, PhD. Jossey-Bass, 2000.

Summary

• Don’t allow the interruption; convey that you have work to do.
• With a regular “visitor,” discuss the issue.
• Is it you? Practice your listening skills.

Too much talking can annoy people. It especially annoys people when they’re trying to work.

Too much talking can annoy people. It especially annoys people when they’re trying to work.

Yet every office has one. The person who divulges TMI (too much information). The person who dominates meetings with endless tangents. The person who tells you in excruciating detail about their latest ailment or last night’s favortie TV episode. They don’t respond to eyes glazing over or to people turning away. They just keep talking, completely unaware of the effect they have on others. 

When talking distracts from work

There’s a difference between someone who’s friendly and occasionally chatty and someone who is a compulsive talker. Compulsive talkers don’t care who they’re talking to. They’re not engaged in real conversations. If you walked away, they’d turn to the next person to fill the void. Some talkers are simply inconsiderate or self-absorbed, others are lonely and needy.

Most of us want to be friendly and maintain good relationships. We certainly don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, but neither do we want to be continually distracted from our work and bored. So how do you tactfully handle a co-worker who talks too much?

Short-term solutions

• If you’re trapped at your desk by a talker, avoid eye contact and keep working. Or, glance at your phone or watch and say, “Sorry, I’m expecting a call and I’ve got to prepare” or “I’d like to hear about it, but I can’t talk right now, I’ve got a deadline.” Say this often enough, and they’ll find another victim.
• If the talker catches you on the move—walking down the hallway or to your car—keep moving. Whatever you do, don’t stop. Walk backward and talk if you have to but keep moving. Glance at your watch and use the “deadline,” “phone call” or “meeting” excuse.
• Borrow a strategy from frequent fliers and wear earbuds, if that’s an option.
• Don’t start conversations with a talker—especially open-ended ones like, “How are you doing?”
• Don’t feel too bad about avoiding or misleading this person—they don’t feel bad (or don’t notice) that they’re wasting your time or boring you.

More mature, long-term solutions

If the talker is someone you work with daily, then you’ll have to sit down with them and address it sooner or later.

• Use “I” statements and soften the blow by saying something like, “During the workday, especially when I’m really busy, I need a certain amount of quiet time to focus and be productive. Can we save our personal talks for the lunch hour or a coffee break?”
• If you’re still having trouble with too much talking in the office, you might confide in your supervisor and have them tackle the issue as an overall office policy so that no individual feels singled out.
• If the problem happens in meetings, print out information on how to conduct an efficient meeting and pass it out to everyone.

Do you talk too much?

Every group needs someone who can get the conversational ball rolling. But there is a big difference between someone who is a good conversationalist and someone who is an annoying bore. Good conversationalists are very aware of their listeners. They include others in the conversation and respond appropriately. Most importantly, they know when to stop talking.

If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, you might want to work on your listening and conversational skills.

• Do people kid you often about talking too much?
• Do you tend to dominate conversations?
• Do you talk for more than a minute without giving other people a chance to talk? If so, that’s a problem. Studies have shown that people begin to get impatient after 30 seconds.
• Do you get caught up in too many details when talking?
• Do you go off on tangents?
• Do you think out loud as you process events or try to make decisions?
• Do you waste time verbally trying to recall a detail while in the middle of a story?
• Are you thinking about what you want to say next while the other person is speaking?
• Do you react with an appropriate response to the other speaker’s comments or do you merely use them as a jumping off point to get on your own roll again?
• Do others seem to look elsewhere when you’re talking to them?
• Do others start multi-tasking and generally ignore you when you’re speaking?
• Do you find that you interrupt people? If so, this is a major no-no because many people are very offended when they’re interrupted.
• Do you find people avoiding you and making excuses or not answering your calls?
• Do you tell co-workers too much personal information?

Take action

• Read up on listening skills and practice them. This is the most important step.
• If you tend to interrupt people, break this habit first because you may be offending others unintentionally.
• Learn to read body language.
• Take time to be silent. Get comfortable with it.
• Make eye contact and try to assess the other person’s level of interest. If they’re looking away, they’re not interested.
• Talk about interesting topics that concern others, not the chores and irritations of everyday life, and make sure conversations are dialogues and not monologues.
• Ask questions of the other person to get theminvolved. Don’t just talk about yourself.
• Prepare for meetings, write down clear and concise points, and bring the list to the meeting. Make your point and then stop talking. Limit the time you will speak in advance and practice against the clock. Savvy business people practice the “elevator pitch,” communicating the important points in 30 seconds or less.
• Join a group to discuss your hobbies or particular interests with like-minded people.
• If you’re still having trouble with compulsive talking, see a therapist or counselor. Your social life will improve, and you’ll have more friends to talk to if you learn how to temper your urge to talk too much.

By Amy Fries

©2008-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Be a listener first.
• Be specific if you offer to help, and make sure you can deliver.
• Encourage optimism.

For those who stay on when one or more co-workers are let go, emotions can be complicated. They might feel relieved, guilty and anxious at the same time. They may also wonder what to say to a laid-off co-worker. What words—and actions—can really help?

Listen first—with a sympathetic ear

You may have plenty of advice or encouragement to offer, but it’s wise to wait a bit. Offer your sympathy and a listening ear.

Rather than jumping in with quick answers or correcting false statements, practice active listening: Paraphrase what they just said. Let them know that you’re being careful to understand them and are aware of their specific concerns.

Offer specific help—and be ready to provide it

Saying, “Is there anything I can do?” is a start, but just a start. Offer help that is both relevant and deliverable.

Your co-worker will need assistance in landing a new job, and any useful contacts or knowledge of openings could be extremely valuable. If you have any, pass them along. If you have worked on the hiring side of a business, you may be especially good at polishing a résumé or doing some job-interview coaching.

Be a realist but an optimist, too

The case for optimism may not be obvious when one loses a job, but there’s nothing to be gained from assuming the worst possible outcomes. Optimistic people are more inclined to action, since they believe that some good may come of it.

When saying goodbye to a laid-off co-worker, and unless a return to work is totally out of the question, talk about the absence as a temporary thing. Economic slumps do come to an end, and people can be called back to work.

Stay in touch

Keeping social ties open after a layoff is important on both sides. Stay in touch with colleagues who’ve departed because it’s the right thing to do and because you may find yourself in the same situation someday. Maintaining the work-based social network is good for the emotional health of those who’ve left, and it is a source of useful information for everyone involved.

Also, try not to let them walk away without public recognition of their contributions to your company.

By Tom Gray

©2009-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Kerry Patterson, co-founder and director, VitalSmarts, and author of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, McGrawﾖHill, 2002; Jenny Schade, principal, JRS Consulting Inc.; Laurent Duperval, Consultation Duperval Inc.; Stuart Sidle, professor and director of Industrial/Organizational Psychology Program, University of New Haven; Rachelle J. Canter, Ph.D., president, RJC Associates

Chances are you work with someone who has a mental illness. By law, supervisors can’t disclose information about an employee’s mental illness. And you shouldn’t assume a co-worker has a mental illness even if that person seems to act strange or exhibits unusual behavior. But if you know a co-worker has a mental illness, you can help provide a supportive work environment by keeping some key communication “dos and don’ts” in mind.

Do suggest seeking professional help

If a co-worker confides in you about a mental illness, encourage them to seek professional help and use a support network of family and friends. Determine how far you can go to help them by following cues from your conversations. You can give the individual support and advice, but ultimately it’s up to the individual to seek that help.

Do listen

Although extremely rare, if a co-worker threatens harm to themself or others, you should know how to react. First, make sure that everyone involved is safe, Thompson explains. Ask that person how you can best help them, and listen to what they have to say. And if the situation occurs at work, notify a supervisor.

Do be understanding

By law, employers must make reasonable accommodations for people with mental illnesses, whether that entails a flexible schedule, a different supervision style or other accommodation. If you know a co-worker has a mental illness, make an effort to understand their needs. For example, try to keep all non-work related conversations out of work areas.

Don’t stigmatize

Most importantly, don’t stigmatize a co-worker with a mental illness. Providing support for a co-worker in need does not mean isolating that person. Take time to get to know that person as you would any co-worker.

By Kristen Knight

©2022 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Share your observations with your co-worker.
• Suggest that she seek the help of an appropriate third party.
• Discuss your concerns and attempt(s) at solutions with your manager.

It’s not uncommon to face issues and problems at work. Some of these are due to the nature of the work. Your job may be to solve problems, manage crises and put out fires.

But what can you do if you feel that a co-worker (perhaps even a friend) at work isn’t carrying their fair share and you and others are left to pick up the slack?

You may become angry and resentful. But before you make assumptions about your co-worker, take a few days to cool down and get some perspective.

Check in with your co-worker

Find a time and place where you won’t be distracted or interrupted. Use a cool head and an attitude of concern to talk with your co-worker. Be careful not to trigger their defensiveness; don’t say, “I’m really concerned about your attitude, and it’s just gotta stop!” Instead, try something like, “You haven’t seemed like yourself lately. Are you feeling OK?” For some people this can serve as an adequate shift into a discussion, but others may need a little more prompting and encouragement to open up. And, of course, it also depends upon the nature of your relationship with the person and the nature of the problem as well.

If your co-worker does share with you what the problem is, you may wish to suggest that they seek the help of an appropriate third party—perhaps a counselor, a physician, an attorney, a religious leader, a mutual friend or their boss.

Consider talking to your manager

If things don’t change after your speak to your coworker, you may want to talk with your manager.

Depending on the size of your organization, your supervisor already may be aware of the problem and working on a solution. There may be issues that your supervisor is unable to discuss with you in order to protect confidentiality. Don’t feel as if you’re being rebuffed. Instead, know that you have acted in a responsible and caring way to a person in need.

By Chris E. Stout, PsyD, MBA

©2001-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

How to be part of the team:

• Get to know your co-workers.
• Learn your job.
• Be discreet about your illness.

A team is a group of people who work with others to reach a common goal. When you start a new job, you will become part of the team. This doesn’t happen right away. It will take some time for you to learn your job and for co-workers to get to know you and know what your skills are. As you get better at your job, others will begin to respect you. Here are some ideas:

• Get to know your co-workers. You will be spending a large part of the day with them, so you want to have good working relationships.
• Learn your job. Find out what others expect from you. Notice how co-workers do their job and follow their lead. As you learn your job, you may come up with a better way to do things. Ask before you change anything because there might be a reason why things are done a certain way.
• Don’t be easily upset. People at work often show their fondness for each other by teasing and joking. If this happens, don’t get angry. Be a good sport and let others know you value a good joke. If you really can’t handle the joking, talk to your co-workers first, before talking to your supervisor. If the jokes are cruel or are in the form of sexual or racial discrimination, let your supervisor know.
• Be careful when you talk about your mental illness if you have one. Those who have had a lot of experience with support groups or therapy can be very open about their illness. Talking about your mental health issues is proper in a support group but it is not appropriate on the job. Many people in the community don’t understand mental illness and still believe stereotypes. As you make close friends, you will have to decide on an individual basis whether to disclose your illness.
• Don’t be a know-it-all. You are the new kid on the block. Get to know your company and co-workers before you try to change things.
• Don’t get involved in gossip. There may be times when co-workers try to get you to listen to gossip about another team member. Gossip at work is something you should always avoid. It is hurtful and has never solved a problem.
• Share credit when it’s deserved. If a co-worker helps you with a project, share the credit. Taking credit for someone else’s work is like stealing; you are stealing their appreciation and their respect.

By Haline Grublak, CPHQ, Vice President of Member & Family Affairs, Beacon Health Options

©2010-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Toxic cliques take exclusivity to a harmful extreme.
• Healthy cliques can be supportive and ignite ideas.
• To join a healthy clique, show respect, identify common interests, and give something of value.

Feeling left out? If so, you’re likely to be dealing with a near-universal reality of workplaces: cliques.

Small, tightly-knit groups of friends can form anywhere. They’re a natural part of social interaction. They form in work environments as well, but there they can be problematic. They can forge bonds that are healthy and a positive force for productivity. Or they can turn toxic. When they do, the employees who are left out may be the ones hurt most directly, but the whole organization can eventually suffer as well.

Signs of a toxic clique

Experts advise being on the lookout for behavior that takes exclusivity to a harmful extreme, such as bullying, discrimination, or the withholding of information that people need to do their jobs.

Corporate trainer and speaker Marlene Chism says cliques can do damage by creating a “tribal mentality” or blind spots toward outsiders. Management consultant Jean Houston Shore says cliques can sometimes poison relationships when one member has undue influence on others. “Let’s say A, B, and C have a strong relationship, and A has a problem with D,” says Shore. “B and C didn’t have a problem with D, but out of loyalty to A they do now.”

Robert Van Arlen, a consultant and motivational speaker, identifies “dragging cliques” as the problem. These are groups occupied by gossip and complaining—“just there to drag energy out of anybody,” says Van Arlen.

Cliques can do good

But there are good cliques, too. Van Arlen says “supporting cliques” form among people who share interests and values and give each other encouragement. These tend to be more focused on social interaction than on the work itself. But, he says they are a positive influence if they aren’t overly exclusive and if they don’t get in the way of work—by excessive partying, for instance.

Another type in his clique classification is the “igniter clique,” which is work-focused and attracts the “go-getters.” These are people who want to “take each other to the next level” of skill and knowledge important to the organization and to their careers. These tend to be constructive too, he says, as long as their goals are aligned with those of the larger team and its leadership.

Coping with a toxic clique

How you as an employee cope with cliques will depend on your own needs and the nature of the cliques. Not all people require the same degree of social interaction and bonding at work. Some meet their relationship needs mainly outside the workplace; others hope to make plenty of friends on the job. You should look at your own personality to see which type you are.

In any event, don’t bother trying to join “dragging cliques” or other toxic groups. And if people in these groups do things that genuinely make your job difficult, such as withholding information that you are expected to have, you should share your concern with them first. Going to your boss should be a last resort, and even then the complaint must be over something specific and clearly harmful to your productivity. It’s not management’s job, says Chism, to make sure you get asked to join the group for lunch.

Joining a healthy clique

As for the healthier social groups, they should be easier to join if you’re patient and make an effort to reach out to people in them. After all, the good cliques are good in part because they’re capable of accepting new members.

But newcomers should not expect to be instantly accepted. As Shore points out, they are trying to change established social relationships, and such change takes time.

She also advises against getting too obsessed with the presence of cliques and the fact that you’re not in them. “If you allow yourself to exaggerate the extent of your isolation or to magnify the desirability of being in the clique, you’ll only make yourself feel worse,” she says. And don’t take it personally if you’re not instantly included in a group.

Part of every newcomer’s social job is to watch and learn for a while to get a sense of the existing social network. This is a time to get to know people and their interests, because you may find much in common. Van Arlen notes that you may find ways to make yourself appealing and valuable to others. People in a “supporting clique” may turn out to share the same interest in music that you do, and you might have some concert tickets to share. You may have some business or technical knowledge that piques the interest of an “igniter clique.”

These are just a few of the ways to ingratiate yourself with a group by giving it something of value—putting “the principle of reciprocity to work,” in Shore’s words. Shore has other advice along these lines:

• Show respect to the group (and don’t complain about being left out).
• Identify common work-related goals as well as personal interests.
• “Give to give.” That  is, don’t just do things to get something in return, she says, but “do as many good things that you can for the workplace.” In that way, says Shore, “you will have built your reputation as a good and generous person.”

Painful as it may be, a little self-analysis also may be in order. If you’re ostracized, it may not entirely be the fault of others. “People hang around with people with whom they feel comfortable and trust,” says Shore. “If you complain, people don’t like being with you, if you gossip, people don’t trust you.” In other words, don’t expect to be part of a social network if you can’t be sociable.

By Tom Gray

©2008-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Marlene Chism (ICARE Presentations, Springfield, Mo.), Robert Van Arlen (Robert Van Arlen LLC, Phoenix, Ariz.), Jean Houston Shore (Business Resource Group, Roswell, Ga.)

Summary

• Know your company’s gift-giving policy.
• Exchange gifts off the clock and in another setting.
• Never give extravagantly.
• Be sensitive and give in good taste.

“Should I get something for my boss?”

“My office is having a gift exchange. How much should I spend?

“What about my co-workers who don’t celebrate Christmas?”

Questions like these come up during the holidays as well as for events like birthdays and showers. Although gifts sometimes are an appropriate way to celebrate a good friendship or to say thank you for someone’s hard work, giving gifts at work also can lead to sticky or awkward situations.

For example, last year Jan decided to do something special for her boss Carol. Since Carol works very hard, Jan gave Carol the keys to her mountain cabin for a weekend getaway. Jan is very fond of Carol, and for Jan, this gesture seemed a simple, no-cost way to thank Carol for being a great boss.

Jan’s coworkers didn’t see it that way at all. The talk around the water cooler was that Jan was “kissing up.” Furthermore, Carol, who kept her personal life to herself, recently had separated from her husband and misinterpreted Jan’s gesture as butting in.

Although this example is a little far-fetched, it does illustrate how even the best of intentions can sometimes be inappropriate when it comes to giving gifts at the office. A simple note to Carol thanking her for her support and hard work would have achieved Jan’s purpose.

Knowing proper business etiquette regarding workplace gift giving will help you avoid situations such as the one in this example.

If you decide to give gifts

• Many companies have gift-giving policies: make sure you know yours. In any case, exchanging gifts when you’re off the clock and in another setting is recommended.
• Purchasing a gift for your boss is usually not appropriate.
• Never give extravagantly; keep the cost low. Although $30 may not seem like a lot of money to you, your coworkers may feel uncomfortable accepting a gift of this expense.
• Be sensitive and give in good taste. For example, gag gifts may be fun at first, but may humiliate or offend the recipient. Giving a tree ornament to someone who does not celebrate Christmas is as thoughtless as giving chocolates to a coworker who is dieting.

If someone gives you a gift

• Graciously accept the gift with a sincere “thank you.” Do not feel obligated to return the gesture.
• Kindly refuse the gift if it is excessive, inappropriate or against your company policy.
• Always send a hand-written thank you note, even if you were unable to accept the gift.

In lieu of a gift

• Greeting cards with a personalized note are a great way to bring meaning to the phrase “it’s the thought that counts.” Plus, greeting cards are an inexpensive way to make your co-workers feel remembered.
• Homemade gifts, such as a plate of cookies, often are a more meaningful token of your friendship or appreciation than something purchased.

Giving gifts, whether to coworkers, clients, or vendors can be a personal way to say thank you, give encouragement, apologize, wish good luck, congratulate, or acknowledge a special occasion. Such thoughtfulness is never wrong if done appropriately and in accordance with corporate policy.

By Christine P. Martin

©1999-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Emotions are contagious in a workplace. Make sure you are spreading positive ones.
• Small acts, such as smiling and saying hello to co-workers, can go a long way.
• Be aware of the emotions you bring to work.

You can’t do much about the economy or the state of the world. But you can make your workplace a little happier—maybe a lot happier, if others follow your example.

The secret to such power lies in what social scientists call the “contagion effect” of emotions in groups. Your emotions not only affect those around you. They also can spread to total strangers. In one study tracking 4,739 residents of Framingham, Mass., for 20 years, researchers James H. Fowler and Nicholas A. Christakis found “clusters of happy and unhappy people” in the town’s social network. “The relationship between people’s happiness,” they said, “extends up to three degrees of separation (for example, to the friends of one’s friends’ friends).”

The typical workplace is far smaller than Framingham, and the impact of one person’s mood or behavior can be much more obvious. So what can you do to set a positive tone? Here is some advice from management experts and psychologists.

Small gestures count

Smiling and saying hello to co-workers takes little effort and could have a big effect. Sigal Barsade, a management professor at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School, says such small gestures can be like “striking the match in the workplace—the match toward positive.”

One person’s body language and facial expressions also can affect a group’s emotions, as Barsade found in a laboratory study. Being nice to other people also helps develop a culture of reciprocity, where everyone tacitly agrees to return the help and emotional support they receive.

Barsade admits that it is easier to create a positive atmosphere if you’re not acting alone, but if you don’t start the process, who will?

Curb your negatives

You can spread negative emotions as easily as positive ones, especially if you are not conscious of your effect on others. “Try to understand how your behavior makes experiences” for others, says Purdue University psychologist Howard Weiss. “A lot of the time, we create negative experiences in other people because we behave in ways that we know are wrong but we can’t control ourselves,” he says.

Weiss suggests replenishing your “regulatory resources” by taking time off from the emotional effort of self-regulation. Getting away from the workplace during the day can be useful. Barsade says a short “time-out” can be helpful when you find your mood sagging and don’t want to bring others down. Even just stepping outside for a few minutes of reflection can do the job.

Watch what you bring to work

If you start the work day grouchy, chances are you will end it that way. In a study of call-center employees, Wharton professor Nancy Rothbard and Steffanie Wilk of the University of Ohio found that the mood people brought with them to work had a stronger effect on their day (and their performance) than anything that happened at the workplace. (They also found, happily, that positive moods have a more potent impact on productivity than negative moods do).

Such research makes the point that there’s no sharp boundary between work and the rest of life. “You don’t enter some sort of cloister when you go to work,” says Weiss.

But you can work to soften the impact of your mood when it’s a bad one. “The first thing is to be aware of it,” says Barsade. “This goes a long way toward diminishing it, because at least you’re paying attention.”

And if you come to work cheerful, so much the better for your co-workers—as long as you don’t hide the positive emotion that you feel.

By Tom Gray

©2010-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Sigal Barsade, professor of management, the Wharton School, University of Pennsylvania; Howard Weiss, professor of psychological sciences, Purdue University; James H. Fowler and Nicholas A. Christakis, “Dynamic Spread of Happiness in a Large Social Network: Longitudinal Analysis Over 20 Years in the Framingham Heart Study,” British Medical Journal 337:a2338, Dec. 4, 2008, http://www.bmj.com/content/337/bmj.a2338; “Waking Up on the Wrong Side of the Desk: The Effect of Mood on Work Performance,” Knowledge@Wharton, Aug. 6, 2006, http://knowledge.wharton.upenn.edu/article/waking-up-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-desk-the-effect-of-mood-on-work-performance/

Summary

• Respect and value everyone.
• Introduce yourself.
• Remember names.
• Avoid gossip.
• Pull your weight.

“Having worked for more than 10 years at my last job, I knew the job and my co-workers inside and out,” says Jill, who recently took a new job with a different company. “I thought the hardest part of this change would be learning the job. But it’s getting used to working with new people.”

Jill’s experience is not unlike that of many new employees. Figuring out company culture and the unwritten rules, identifying the game players and busybodies from those who can be of help to you and forming good rapport with all your new co-workers take time and energy. But it’s worth it. The ability to work well with others can matter greatly to your success on the job—as well as your happiness.

These ideas will help you make a good first impression and set the tone for good working relationships.

Your outlook

• Respect and value all people in your company, from the big cheese to the mail clerk.
• Check your ego. Perhaps you just graduated at the top of your class, or maybe you were hired to fill a specialized job. Whatever your past, you’re still the new person. Welcome guidance, help, and feedback.
• Be friendly, upbeat, and helpful.

First impressions

• Don’t wait to be introduced. Introduce yourself with a smile and firm handshake.
• Make an effort to remember names. This sends the message that you care to know your co-workers.
• Take care in how you look. Most people want to be judged by skills, abilities, and attitudes. But it’s naive to think that how you look is not important. Dress appropriately and keep up good personal hygiene.
• Be polite.
• Avoid profanity and bad humor. (Warning: Be careful with all humor—what may seem harmless may be offensive to someone else.)
• Be an active listener.

Building workplace relationships

• Friendships in the workplace are normal. Taking interest in a co-worker’s private life is an OK way to earn the trust and goodwill of peers. But be careful about how much private information you share to co-workers. Proceed with caution when moving beyond casual friendship.
• Dodging office gossip is next to impossible—and not all gossip is bad. Some managers leak gossip to drive staff. But it’s important not to spread harmful gossip.
• Finding mentors (whether for one-time projects or for the long term) is a good way to get co-workers to take interest in you, and at the same time show that you are interested in learning more about your job and the company.
• Support your peers by complimenting good work, encouraging ideas, and being responsive.
• Avoid joining workplace cliques—even the “go-getters.” You want others to see you as your own person.
• Respect the chain of command.

Teamwork

• Recognize that people whose approaches or perspectives differ from yours can be a real asset when problem-solving or working on team projects. Welcome everyone’s input.
• Realize that your new co-workers may not react to your thoughts and comments like prior co-workers. Avoid introducing ideas by saying, “In my old company, we … ,” which may alienate you from your peers.
• Pull your weight. Don’t fall back on “I’m just the new guy.”
• Give credit where credit is due and vice versa.
• Don’t hold back knowledge that may aid everyone.
• When resolving conflict, don’t let emotions get in the way. Avoid pointing fingers and forming coalitions.

 Resource

The Drama-Free Office: A Guide to Healthy Collaboration with Your Team, Coworkers, and Boss by Jim Warner and Kaley Klemp. OnCourse Publishing, 2012.

By Christine P. Martin

©2001-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: How to Hit the Ground Running in Your New Job by Lynda Clemens, Ph.D. and Andrea Dolph. VGM Career Horizons, 1995; Take This Job and Thrive: 60 Ways to Make Life More Rewarding in Today’s New Workplace by Anita Bruzzese. Impact, 1999; Winning Office Politics by Andrew DuBrin. Prentice Hall, 1990.