Dating

Summary

• You share similar values.
• You handle conflict well.
• You trust one another.

Have you reached the point in your relationship where you’re thinking about settling down together? Before you say ‘I do,’ look for signs that your marriage will be built to last.

Consider the following questions and statements.

How compatible are you?

You don’t have to like all the same things, but you should have some common interests and share the same core beliefs. You may be ready for marriage if the following statements describe you and your partner.

• You share similar values. Your values guide your behavior. They help you make important decisions. Sharing the same values will set a strong foundation for your marriage.
• You have some interests in common but don’t feel you have to do everything together. Enjoying activities or hobbies together can strengthen your bond. A healthy relationship leaves room for you each to do your own thing, too.
• You feel the same way about spending, saving, and investing money. Different views about money is a top cause of conflict in marriages. Being in sync about finances will eliminate one big source of potential stress.
• You agree on whether to have children and how to raise them. If you haven’t talked about this yet, bring it up before you are married.
• You make big decisions together. This will become even more important when you’re married and your decisions affect both of you.

How do you feel about each other?

A strong marriage is rooted in love, but there are other essential ingredients.

• You are proud of each other. You and your partner root for one another and celebrate each other’s achievements.
• You respect one another and would never harshly criticize or belittle each other.
• You trust one another. Without trust, neither you nor your partner will feel secure in your marriage.
• You can envision yourselves together far into the future. Even though things will change, you are sure your feelings for your partner will not.
• You are physically attracted to each other. Sexual intimacy is an important way to express your love for one another. You and your partner should be equally attracted to one another.

How do you handle conflict?

Disagreements are to be expected. It’s how you handle them that’s important.

• You talk things out when you disagree. You listen to each other’s sides. If you can’t agree, you find a middle ground or another solution that you both can live with.
• Neither of you loses your temper in a threatening way. You each have the right to be angry. Neither of you has the right to threaten the other.
• You both handle stress constructively. Marriage brings its share of stress. If either of you falls apart when things get stressful, start working on building your coping skills now.

For service members

Military couples have incentives to get married. A spouse may be able to accompany the service member on an overseas assignment, for example. But military couples face pressures civilians don’t. Before getting married, consider whether:

• You’re prepared for long absences from one another. Separations because of deployment and other military assignments are common in military families. This requires trust and confidence in one another. The partner at home should be self-sufficient as well.
• You want to marry for the right reasons. Are you afraid your relationship will fall apart during a military separation? Are you hoping for spousal health and other military benefits? Those alone are not good reasons to get married.
• You are both prepared to move often. Frequent moves are stressful, but they’re a fact of military life.

By Sharron Luttrell, Military OneSource. Used with permission.

Summary

• Gauge your own needs for privacy/togetherness.
• Be respectful of your partner’s needs. 
• Develop a plan.
• Adjust, as needed.

Is it possible to be too close to someone you love?

Yes, say marriage counselors and psychologists. It all comes down to the needs and preferences of the individuals involved.

While you are single, you may dream your perfect partner will be someone to spend all of your time with, a mate whose tastes, energy level, and interests always match your own. You may envision the two of you doing everything together, always enjoying every aspect of your combined lives. Dream on!

Even if it were possible to find such a person, it probably would not be a good choice, says author and marriage therapist Sharon Rivkin.

“You need a certain amount of individual space and quiet in order to tap into your true self,” she says.  “Also, if you feel you have to cater to or be nice to your partner all the time and put aside what you really want to do, you’ll feel resentful.”

The more things you do on your own, the more unique and fresh experiences you will have to bring back to the relationship.

What is normal?

We learn “rules” about privacy and personal space in childhood. They reflect the culture that existed within our original family. If bathrooms were sacrosanct, we learned to leave the door shut. If all family members were supposed to be together at dinnertime, we took that to be the norm. As an adult, you carry many such expectations with you as you decide how you want to live and share your life with another person.

There is no right or wrong when it comes to decisions about space and togetherness. It depends on how two people decide to honor each other’s wishes for privacy, within a common framework. What works for one couple may not work for another.

Achieving balance

To determine how much closeness or distance will work, ask yourself and your partner some of these questions:

1. Do I prefer to be with other people or alone?
   2. If someone borrows, am I happy to share or do I feel like I have been used?
   3. Do I like to interact with one person at a time or do I prefer groups?
   4. Would I rather talk to someone, listen to that person, or read to myself?
   5. Do I like to talk about my spouse to my friends?
   6. Do I like it when my partner tells friends about me?
   7. What limits do I want to set about talking to friends about relationships?

Once you know your limits, you can adjust accordingly. Sit down with your loved one to work out the details. Keep the negotiations loving and respectful.

By planning ahead, you should be able to head off misunderstandings.

Here are ways you can make two very different people happy:

• If your partner needs more time alone than you do, arrange something to do one night a week, while your partner stays home.
• If your partner wants to discuss the relationship a lot and you do not, agree on a certain amount of time to do this, then stick to it. You will honor your partner’s needs, as well as your own. 
• If you like lots of company but your partner is uncomfortable in groups, find a way to accommodate both needs when you entertain. 

Differences do not have to be wedges between couples. A good relationship takes advantage of the differences—and strengths—of each partner.

One and one = many

Just as it is in a workplace, it is a good idea to divide the labor in a relationship between individuals. One person cooks well, the other excels at keeping track of financial details. One may be handy, the other creative. One is a nurturer, the other, assertive.

Each partner needs a chance to shine, but also an understanding of the other person’s contribution to the relationship. This helps a couple thrive on their differences, explains LeslieBeth Wish, psychologist and licensed clinical social worker.

Marriage therapists say too much closeness brings trouble in times of great stress. If partners are too dependent on each other, the relationship falters when one is not able to hold up his or her end.

Even in two-peas-in-a-pod relationships, the division of labor is rarely 50/50. One often calls the shots for both. Strong people often seek out agreeable and kind partners who are willing to go along with the program. 

“The danger of overly close relationships is that the less powerful partner can begin to feel suffocated, either by not having enough say or, ironically, by having too much responsibility for the other person,” explains Wish. “Problems arise when the strong one has a crisis in health, for example, and discovers that the other partner is not so effective. Having a permanent private in the emotional army can make the colonel feel very alone and exhausted. And, disappointed and disillusioned.”

By Paula Hartman Cohen

©2011-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Sharon Rivkin, MA, MFT, conflict resolution specialist and licensed marriage family therapist, Santa Rosa, CA; Tina B. Tessina, PhD, licensed psychotherapist and author, Long Beach, CA; LeslieBeth Wish, EdD, MSS, psychologist and licensed clinical social worker, Sarasota, FL

Summary

Look for maturity and stability in yourself and your partner before making the decision to move in together.

How do you know if living together is right for you? In general, the key factors contributing to successful and enduring marriages are the same factors necessary for successful cohabitation. For example, a marriage based on sexual compatibly alone is destined for failure as are live-in love relationships based on the same.

Review the list below. Do these characteristics of committed, enduring relationships describe yours? If not, you may want to spend more time getting to know your partner before sharing households and names:

• Love relationship based on friendship and trust
• Share similar values and priorities and hold similar views of marriage, fidelity, family, sharing of household responsibilities, money, how to spend free time, etc.
• Mutual understanding of and respect for each other
• Value the institution of marriage and desire to get married
• Accept each other “as is”
• Interest in pursuing relationships with each other’s family and friends
• Physical attraction and sexual compatibility
• Enjoy taking care of each other, making each other happy, supporting each other’s ambitions, surrendering some personal freedom to accommodate each other’s well-being
• Do things together versus independently, from making financial decisions to deciding how to spend free time
• Freely share most intimate thoughts, feelings and aspirations
• See each other as lifelong companions

High-risk relationships

Committing to any long-term relationship is never without risk. But moving in together under some scenarios is likely to end in failure. High-risk indicators include:

• Brief courtship
• Relationship characterized by financial or emotional dependency
• Relationship based solely on physical attraction
• History of live-in relationships, divorce
• Uncertainty of long-term viability of relationship; excessive fear of divorce
• Unequal commitment
• Poor self-esteem
• Relationships in which only one person is willing to make sacrifices for the other
• Differences in age, education and religious/cultural background
• Sexual incompatibility

For those who want matrimony

Many couples who anticipate marriage but opt to live together first often become entrenched in the status quo. For this reason, if you decide that living together is right for your relationship, you may want to consider engagement and setting a wedding date before moving in. Doing so helps maintain the momentum toward tying the knot.

By Christine P. Martin

©2001-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Honest discussions about values are important before marriage.
• Discuss your values with your partner.
• You don’t need to agree on every point, but make sure there are no “deal breakers.”

When two people are newly in love, they may think they have met the person who is perfect for them. They have fun on dates and stay up late talking. They don’t worry about how the other person manages the day to day: paying bills, caring for family members, losing a job, and so on.

They may see something in their partner that they don’t like, but think that they can change it or that their partner will change it. Or, even though they know their partner is different from them, they might assume they have the same values.

Before entering into marriage or a lifelong commitment with another person, it’s necessary to discuss key issues that can cause problems.

How to have the discussion

It can be helpful to have a list of questions or prompts that each person has thought about ahead of time.

The kind of response you get from your partner will depend on your tone of voice and facial expression. Try to stay open-minded and curious.

The attitude behind the question is also important. Leading questions can trap someone. “You do believe in spending time with family, don’t you?” is very different than “Where do you want to spend the holidays?”

If you are comfortable, you can have the conversation just the two of you. If you run into a few areas that cause stress or that you can’t accept, consider premarital counseling.

Goal for the discussion

The goal is to lay the groundwork for honest talks throughout your partnership and to have an understanding of each other’s values. You want to have balance and compromise. Think “This is who you are and this is who I am. How can we make this work?”

Communication skills and conflict resolution

The better you communicate, the better the union. Still there are going to be some storms in any relationship. It’s important to know how the two of you will handle times you disagree.

Ask each other:

• How do you act in an argument or when you are under stress? Do you avoid it? Shut down? Want to talk about it? Yell?
• When we are having an argument, how can we make sure it doesn’t get out of control?
• After the argument is over, how can we forgive each other and move on?

Discuss what the signs will be that you have a problem the two of you can’t handle. If that time comes, have a plan. Will you each talk to a friend who is not involved? Are you OK with seeing a couple’s therapist or advisor? Write the plan down.

Children and roles in the home

Many people discuss whether they want to have kids and how many. But they don’t discuss how far they are willing to go to create a family or how the children will be raised.

Ask each other:

• How important is it to have kids?
• Would you consider adoption? Fertility treatments? Surrogacy?
• How would you discipline the kids?
• Do you want religion to be a part of their lives? If so, which one and how much?

When people get married, they can share the child care and housework. Usually, though, there are still roles that form. Be clear about what you expect from each other and how you are going to manage that.

Ask each other:

• Do we see ourselves both working full time? Will one of us stay home or work part time?
• How will we divide chores? Child care?

In-laws

When new couples are making their own traditions and building their lives, the families they grew up in can interfere because they are scared of losing their son or brother, their daughter or sister.

Ask each other:

• What are our limits with our families?
• What will we do if one family member dislikes the other or one of us?
• Where do we want to spend holidays?
• How can we make sure our marriage and family come first?
• What new traditions can we start that are our own?

Friends and trust

As much as you love your partner, it’s healthy to keep your own separate friends, interests, and hobbies. Be honest about what you are doing and who you are spending time with or jealousy can grow. It’s also important to be honest about your sexual needs.

Ask each other:

• Can you support my hobbies even if you aren’t interested in them?
• Can we socialize without each other?
• Is it OK to see friends of the opposite sex socially without each other?
• What are our sexual limits? Or what is off-limits with each other and with other people?
• What are your fantasies?
• How do you feel about pornography?

Couples can be shy about discussing this. Avoiding it can lead to hurt feelings and miscommunication. A little awkwardness is better than a lot of unhappiness.

Life goals and finances

It’s important to understand each other’s goals. For example, is one of you a go-getter who wants each person to make as much money as possible while the other one wants to take it easy and enjoy life? The two of you want to be moving in the same direction.

Ask each other:

• Where do we want to live?
• How do we want to grow? What are our thoughts about our future together?
• What do you value?

Finances are important in this discussion because how you want to spend your money shows your interests, hobbies, material values, and fears.

Ask each other:

• Do we want separate or joint checking, savings, and retirement funds?
• How much debt do you usually carry on your credit card? How do you usually pay it off?
• What do you typically spend your money on?

After the discussion

Life is constant change. Be sure to re-address areas as they come up. Remember the phrase “marriage takes work” and dedicate time to learn about relationships and marriage—whether it’s a book, articles, or counseling. Maintain your marriage like you would maintain a car and there will be fewer major breakdowns.

By Jennifer Brick

©2016-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Ronald G. Begley, L.C.S.W., C.E.A.P.; Julienne Derichs, L.C.P.C., Couples Counseling Today; Rev. Norma Moutal, Interfaith Minister, One Heart Personalized Ceremonies; Dr. Peter Pearson, Co-founder, The Couples Institute

Summary

• Boost your self-image.
• Develop a positive perspective.
• Brush up on communication skills.

Do you find coping with the singles scene to be a great challenge? Perhaps a negative self-image and attitude—or maybe rusty interpersonal skills—are to blame. Evaluate yourself and follow these tips for making the most of being single.

How do you think of yourself?

Do you constantly criticize your appearance? Do you seek other people’s approval as a way to build your self-esteem? People are attracted to people who like themselves, which is why having a positive self-image can help put you at ease around others. Boost your self-image with these tips:

• Focus on the qualities that you like most about yourself and the talents and accomplishments that make you shine.
• Be proud of your unique shape and make the most of it through healthy eating and moderate exercise. When you look good, you feel good about yourself and vice versa.
• When you find yourself talking negatively or dwelling on personal “flaws,” force yourself to switch gears. Recall your successes and the things you do well.

Is your glass half full or half empty?

Are you convinced that no lasting relationships ever result from meeting someone on the singles scene? Do you believe that all the “good ones” are taken? Do you pressure yourself to make a great first impression? Attitude has a lot to do with your outlook on being single. Try these pointers to change your perspective:

• Be open to the idea that anything is possible. You never know where you will find love—maybe in line for groceries, on a blind date or at happy hour.
• Don’t set any expectations other than to just have fun. Searching for a potential mate is guaranteed to spoil a good time.
• Consider other possibilities that can result from new acquaintances. You may make a friend or learn of a career opportunity.
• Don’t judge someone until you’ve had a chance to talk one-on-one. Otherwise, you may overlook a potentially great relationship.
• Keep in mind that you’re not the only single one out there.

Can we talk?

Are you a wallflower? Do you wait for someone to approach you? Do you get tongue-tied and nervous when talking with strangers? If so, you may need to brush up on your communication skills. These tips can help:

• Come up with several questions that will help ease you into casual conversation and give you something to fall back on during those awkward moments of silence. Open-ended questions are good conversation starters.
• Learn to listen. Indicate that you’re attentive and interested by nodding your head, raising your eyebrows and saying things like “I see” or “that’s interesting.”
• Be aware of your body language. For example, good posture shows self-confidence. Crossed arms send the message to back off. People who wear a smile appear more approachable. Making eye contact indicates sincerity.

If the singles scene is not for you, consider other ways to meet new people, such as adult club sports leagues or volunteer and advocacy groups. If you want to date, consider an online dating service.

By Christine P. Martin

©2000-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

Understanding each other’s styles and learning to adapt your own can help ward off conflict.

Clashing communication styles can cause problems in relationships. These differences may be rooted in age, sex, upbringing, and your culture. That doesn’t mean you can’t change, however. Understanding each other’s styles and learning to adapt your own can help ward off conflict.

Direct versus indirect

The person with a direct communication style gets right to the point. She asks for what she needs. For example, “I want you to be home for dinner from now on.” Indirect communicators don’t ask directly. They might say, “The neighbors have dinner together every night. Isn’t that nice?”

Both types of communication styles can cause problems. Direct communicators can come across as demanding or blunt. Indirect communicators are more likely to be misunderstood. They tend to be vague in saying what they mean.

What to do: Couples with these two different styles can learn to meet near the middle. A direct speaker might soften requests and statements. The other partner can learn to be more direct. A good middle ground for both might be, “I value our time together. Will you try to get home in time for dinner so we can eat as a family?”

Collaborative versus goal-oriented

The collaborative partner sees conversation as a way to connect. The goal-oriented partner uses it to give information, solve problems, and show expertise. The former tends to ask for others’ opinions before making a decision. The latter might think through the problem privately. Then she might make up her own mind about it.

These two communication styles in a relationship can cause hurt and frustration. The collaborative partner enjoys talking as a way to feel closer. He may feel shut out by the other’s silence. He may feel left out of decision making. The goal-oriented partner may feel his partner is indecisive. He may not have the patience for lots of talk.

What to do: Talk with each other about your different styles. The collaborative partner should recognize the other’s need for information. He can leave out unnecessary details and get to the point sooner. The goal-oriented partner should include the other in decisions. She might also share more about her days and talk about what’s on her mind 

Hot versus cold

This refers more to styles of dealing with conflict, rather than relating. But it certainly can cause strife in a relationship. One partner wants to deal with conflict right away. The other wants time to collect her thoughts or cool off. The partner who wants to resolve the issue at once is likely to feel rejected. The other partner feels attacked.

What to do: Talk with one another about what underlies your conflict styles. The partner with the “hot” conflict style may feel anxious when a dispute goes unresolved. The one with the “cold” conflict style may feel anxious when arguments become heated. You might agree on a short time-out. Both partners should speak calmly and take turns listening to each other. 

Remember, there is no one right way to communicate. A key to feeling understood and supported in a relationship is to learn each other’s communication styles. That will allow both of you to make adjustments and speak each other’s language.

By Sharron Luttrell, Military OneSource. Used with permission.

Summary

Most experts agree that you should wait until your relationship shows signs of becoming serious before making introductions.

Dating someone who has a child from a previous marriage introduces many complicated issues. Get your relationship off to a good start by considering these common scenarios.

My date has a son from a previous marriage. Is it OK to meet him now or should I wait until I have a better feel for the potential of this relationship before making introductions? If all goes well, how should I get to know him?

Most experts agree that you should wait until your relationship shows signs of becoming serious before making introductions. Children (especially young children) quickly can become attached to someone new and, consequently, may be confused or hurt if the relationship ends. If your date wants you to meet her son right away, suggest that she introduce you as a friend.

You may consider bringing the child a small gift to show your good will and sincere interest in him, such as baseball cards for a collector or new crayons for an aspiring artist. Don’t bring anything extravagant, which he may perceive as an effort to buy his affection.

Once your relationship becomes somewhat serious, try to get to know her son gradually, without attempting to rush or force the relationship or stepping in as a parental figure. Plan an outing that is fun and that requires minimal interaction. Go ice skating, take a day hike, visit the zoo, or attend a sporting event. Activities such as these offer low-pressure ways of becoming acquainted with each other. Ask the child for help planning—requesting his opinion can help get the relationship off to a good start.

I’m really starting to like this guy I’ve been dating. But, I’m reluctant to meet his daughter. I’ve heard that a divorcee’s child can make dating the parent a real challenge. What kind of reactions can I expect from his daughter?

You may be surprised by her immediate acceptance. But more than likely, she will be upset by your relationship. Many children of divorced parents still have a lingering hope that their parents will reunite, and you are a sign that her parents’ relationship is over. Common reactions to a new relationship include resentment, fear, jealousy, and competitiveness.

Much of how your date’s daughter will react depends on her age. Generally, younger children are more accepting of new relationships. Adolescents, however, may have more trouble. This age is just beginning to understand sexuality, and often preteens have trouble dealing with their own sexuality, let alone the idea that their parents are sexual too.

Although the child at first may refuse to bond with you, over time (maybe even over a year), you can build a relationship. Sticking around is the best way to show the child that you intend to be there through thick and thin.

I want to begin spending the night at my girlfriend’s, but fear that doing so will compromise my relationship with her daughters.

You and your girlfriend should talk seriously about this next step. If possible, consider sleeping over when her children are not at home or are elsewhere. Only after a relationship is very serious should you consider exposing the children to this side of your relationship. In doing so, you will show the children that sex is for only serious, loving, and committed relationships.

By Christine P. Martin

©2000-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: The Complete Idiotﾒs Guide to Dating by Dr. Judy Kuriansky. Alpha Books, 1999; The Divorce Recovery Sourcebook by Dawn Bradley Berry. Lowell, 1998; Why Did You Get a Divorce and When Can I Get a Hamster? A Guide to Parenting Through Divorce by Anthony E. Wolf, PhD. Noonday Press, 1998.

Summary

Dating can be therapeutic, helping to heal old wounds and rebuild self-esteem.

You have been hurt before and are reluctant to invest yourself in another intimate relationship. On the other hand, you desire a degree of attention, affection and companionship that friends and family members cannot provide. Such is the emotional quandary many men and women face after divorce. Consider, however, that dating after a divorce can provide you the reassurance you need at a time when rebuilding your self-esteem and learning to be single again are your primary focus.

When can I start dating again?

Two months, 6 months, 1 year later—it depends. Generally, psychologists recommend waiting until you no longer have feelings for your former spouse. Realize that feelings such as anger, bitterness and resentment can be as emotionally consuming as love. You also should be removed enough from your past marriage that you can recognize your own contribution to its failure.

How can dating enrich my life?

Dating can be therapeutic, helping to heal old wounds and rebuild self-esteem. New relationships can give you the confidence to say, “I’m worth someone else’s time and interest.” Dating others also helps you work on honesty and openness, being accountable for your feelings and expressing your own needs.

Although eager to begin dating again, do not be in a hurry to find Mr. or Miss Right. At this point, you need to focus on personal growth and reshaping your attitudes and beliefs about love. Work on improving your self-worth by:

• Focusing on the things you like about yourself
• Deciding to change destructive behaviors
• Focusing on what you have to offer
• Realizing that you have a fresh start
• Becoming the person you want to be
• Avoiding self-defeating thoughts
• Being the real you by not hiding behind false personalities

How do I get back into dating?

The best way to re-enter the dating scene is to not look for someone to date. Instead, seek out relationships with people who appeal to you and that you would like to know better. In doing so, you will expand your social circle and enjoy a variety of relationships, all of which you need for personal growth. Chances are you will want to pursue some of these new relationships beyond friendship. You can meet people through:

• Friends and family
• Fitness club
• Hobby and special interest clubs
• Civic groups or charitable organizations
• Church or synagogue
• Adult education seminars
• Single adult groups

What can I expect?

Most relationships you will have immediately after your divorce will be temporary or short term, which is OK. Each relationship may meet a certain need that you have at a specific stage of the healing process. For example, a passionate relationship may help you get in touch with your sexuality. Or, a casual relationship may be based on having fun and nothing more. You need to be able to recognize, however, when such relationships are no longer beneficial or healing, and let go when the time is right. Realize that you may get hurt again, but that you can recover and move on.

By Christine P. Martin

©2000-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Unmarried couples don’t benefit from the same legal protections as married couples.
• It can be more difficult to break up co-ownership of a house than to get a divorce. 

First comes love, then comes … a house? A car? A joint checking account? For couples who choose to wait on marriage or can’t tie the knot, that scenario may well be the case. Before you and your partner say “I do” to a mortgage, car payment, or other large purchase, plan to protect yourselves in good times and in bad.

Unmarried couples face risks

Whether you’re a member of a same-sex or opposite-sex couple, it makes sense to plan before making a big purchase. Consider these truths:

• It can be more difficult to break up co-ownership of a house than to get a divorce. 
• Without a marriage license, unmarried couples have to establish a legal relationship on their own.
• If you accumulate property with a partner and then break up, you could face a serious battle over how to divide those acquisitions and financial obligations. 
• You will need to protect yourself and your partner in the event of unexpected disability or death.

Advice to heed before making a large joint purchase

Couples should disabuse themselves of the notion that financial planning is unromantic or a sign of wavering love—it just makes good sense to treat economic commitments as a business partnership. If you’re thinking of making a large purchase with your partner, it’s much better to ask questions before opening your wallet than after encountering trouble in paradise.

Before merging assets or making a large purchase:

• Consider your partner’s financial liabilities; those liabilities also could affect you in the future.
• Weigh potential liability issues carefully—for example, a joint car purchase could become problematic in the event of an accident. 
• Decide how you will both contribute to common expenses; consider opening a shared checking account. 
• Be wary of contributing large sums of money to an asset that is held only in the name of your partner.  

Put it in writing

Experts recommend that unmarried couples prepare property agreements, which can help provide both partners with some measure of protection. An agreement should be in writing, signed, and notarized, and should include very specific details about the purchase and ownership, maintenance, sharing of income and expenses, and also division of property and resolution of disputes in the event of dissolution of the relationship. Those issues could become especially significant with a big and complicated investment such as a home.

If you’re purchasing a house together, you also should consider how the ownership will be listed on the deed. Among other implications, this would affect how the property would be passed along in the event of the death of one partner. For example, “joint tenants with rights to survivorship” would allow one partner to automatically inherit the home if the other dies, while “tenants in common” means that if one partner dies, that share of the home would go to whoever is named in a will or trust, or to blood relatives in the absence of an estate plan.

A family lawyer can help structure a property agreement and alert you to any laws that might affect your situation. Most importantly, do your planning in good times, when you and your partner are more likely to be fair.

By Kristen Knight

©2005-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Financial Self-Defense for Unmarried Couples: How to Gain Financial Protection Denied By Law by Larry M. Elkin. Doubleday Currency, 1995; First Comes Love, Then Comes Money: How Unmarried Couples Can Use Investments, Tax Planning, Insurance and Wills to Gain Financial Protection Denied By Law by Larry M. Elkin. Currency Doubleday, 1994; Money Without Matrimony: The Unmarried Couple’s Guide to Financial Security by Sheryl Garrett. Dearborn Trade Pub., 2005; About Personal Finance for Unmarried Couples, http://financialplan.about.com; Bankrate.com, www.bankrate.com/; Centers for Disease Control and Prevention National Survey of Family Growth, www.cdc.gov/nchs/nsfg.htm; Detroit News Online, www.detnews.com; Nolo, www.nolo.com; United States Census Bureau, www.census.gov/; The Alternatives to Marriage Project, http://www.unmarried.org/mission-statement/; National Association of Realtors, http://www.realtor.org/news-releases/2012/11/nar-survey-of-home-buyers-and-sellers-shows-dual-income-couples-fueling-market

Summary

• Come up with several open-ended questions before the date.
• Stay alert to verbal and nonverbal cues.
• Listen well and know when to keep quiet.

Many people feel pressured to make a good impression on a first date. A few reliable conversation openers can help break the ice and take the pressure off. Keep the conversation flowing, and over time you will become more comfortable talking with anyone.

Good openers

Come up with several questions before the date. This helps you ease into casual conversation and gives you something to fall back on during moments of silence. Remember, you’re trying to get to know your date, not interview her. Make your date feel comfortable by asking open-ended questions. Avoid talking about past relationships, religion, politics or any sensitive issue. Try these questions:

• How do you know (a mutual friend)?
• Have you seen (a recent movie)? What did you think?
• What kind of music do you listen to?
• What do you do for fun?
• Tell me about your job. What keeps you there?
• If you could do any type of work, what would you do?
• If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?
• Who do you admire most?
• What would you like to do or achieve in the next five years?

Chances are, these questions will encourage more conversation. But stay alert to verbal and nonverbal cues. If your date looks fidgety or diverts his eyes after you ask him to share his philosophy of life, quickly offer yours instead. In fact, it’s a good idea to come up with at least three things about yourself that you want to share to keep the conversation from becoming too one-sided.

Listen

Failing to listen to your date is not only rude, but it also can lead to misunderstandings and communication breakdown. Try following these guidelines:

• Give verbal and nonverbal cues to acknowledge your interest and understanding. Nodding your head, raising your eyebrows and saying things such as “I see” or “that’s interesting” are examples of active listening cues.
• If your attention gets diverted easily, sit with your back to the action. That will help you focus on your date and the conversation.
• Listen for feelings and ideas. That way you can pick up on touchy subjects or issues that your date may feel strongly about.
• Know when to keep quiet.

By Christine P. Martin

©2000-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Jealousy has been a favorite dramatic topic of authors for centuries. Everyone is subject to an occasional case of the green-eyed monster. Regular feelings or expressions of jealousy, however, can be problematic. Whether you are dealing with your own jealousy or with that of your partner, it can put unneeded strain on any relationship; even contributing to its ultimate failure. There’s no need to let jealousy create drama of epic proportions in your love life.

Effects of jealousy

Even seemingly harmless demonstrations of jealousy can have negative effects and damage an otherwise solid relationship. For instance, if one partner makes unfounded accusations or voices frequent, unrealistic, suspicions, this will only hurt and push away the accused partner. Unneeded pressure can eventually sour any relationship.

Causes of jealousy

Jealousy is often caused by insecurity or a low self-esteem. A “chronically” jealous person may feel that he or she doesn’t deserve to be happy. They may have a hard time trusting others to love and respect them for who they are.

Simply being aware of one’s feeling of insecurity is the first step in overcoming it. A person might want to try and put effort into working through it on their own, or they may want to consider discussing their feelings with a mental health professional.

Jealousy can also arise in someone who was hurt badly in a previous relationship. They may have found out their partner was cheating on them, or were betrayed in some other way. This can make it difficult to trust again.

It is important for that person to remember that their current partner is not responsible for mistakes a past partner has made. As difficult as it is, trying to give a new partner a fresh start without blaming them for an ex’s mistakes will contribute greatly to the success of the current relationship. Again, those who find that an inability to let go of past experiences is impacting their current relationship, may want to consider reaching out to a mental health professional.

In some cases, feelings of jealousy may be justified. If one partner is unfaithful or disrespectful of the relationship in some other way, jealousy is an understandable but ineffective response. Everyone deserves to be with someone who makes them feel loved and respected. If this isn’t true of your relationship, it may be time to seek counseling or make a change. No relationship can be successful if it is not built on trust.

Evaluate your reasoning

Do you suspect that you are overly jealous? If so, it is helpful to take some quiet time to reflect on what might be causing these feelings. Once you have identified the cause, you can take steps to overcome it.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Do you have trust issues from a past relationship?
• Are you projecting? (Are you tempted to be unfaithful and projecting this onto your partner?)
• Check your boundaries: When does harmless flirting become more? Are you being unfair?
• Do you provoke or look for reasons to distrust your partner? Why do you do this?
• Do you have proof or strong suspicion that makes it justified, or is it illogical?
• Are you afraid of being hurt, or trying to prevent being hurt by acting this way?
• Are you using jealousy to get attention? Why?
• Is there something going on that is making you feel left out or excluded?
• Are you insecure in your nonromantic relationships as well? What are the common factors?

Understanding the problems underlying your jealousy can help you set a reasonable course of personal growth. When you are coming from a greater place of personal understanding and strength, it will result in healthier and happier relationships with others.

Dealing with a jealous partner

If your partner is jealous for reasons you cannot understand, try talking about it when you are both relaxed and in a positive frame of mind. Try to work through the issues together. If these conversations become a constant theme or turn into arguments, it might be time to seek outside help. Your company’s Employee Assistance Program can help you find a qualified professional and may offer other resources as well.

If your partner’s jealousy is crossing the line, have a serious talk with him or her and let them know how much their jealousy is hurting you and your relationship. If it’s necessary, tell them you cannot be with them unless they do something to change it. Be clear about your terms and be prepared follow them.

Abuse is not part of a healthy relationship. A relationship is an equal partnership, not one where a partner is fearful or feels controlled. A violent or controlling partner may claim that jealousy is the cause of their physical or emotional abuse. Do not waste your time considering this justification: There is no valid reason for abuse. Standard advice is to get out of an abusive relationship as soon as possible. If you are uncertain how to do so safely, talk to your local law enforcement agency, a mental health professional, a counselor at your Employee Assistance Program, or one of the many organizations that help people avoid and remove themselves from abusive situations. As always, if you feel that you are in immediate danger, dial 911! There are some some additional resources to consult for help listed at the end of this article.

Defeating jealousy

Since the foundation of jealousy often has deep psychological roots, it is important to dig down to the real cause and address that first. Remember these points:

• If your partner gives you no actual reason to be jealous, try to discover the source of your jealous feelings and work toward feeling more confident in yourself.
• If your partner is the jealous one, reassure him or her gently and consistently, and encourage them to try and find out what is causing his/her jealousy.
• If you are with someone who you feel does not treat you with love and respect, or you do not feel that you can trust him or her, you should evaluate whether or not you want to be with this person.
• If you are in an abusive situation, as either the abuser or the victim, seek help immediately.

By B. Schuette

©2006-2019 Workplace Options

Summary

• Take your time grieving.
• Don’t rush into anything.
• Protect yourself and family, financially.

Any time we open our heart to another person, we take a risk; love is always risky. Yet, love and companionship are essential to a happy life, perhaps even more so after we have lost a loving partner.

Are you ready to give yourself permission to love again?

Timing is everything. You may have well-intentioned friends or family urging you to date, but you—and only you—will know when the time is right.

“Do what feels comfortable,” advises psychologist and social worker LeslieBeth Wish.

“Grief is an essential life skill,” explains Tina B. Tessina, a licensed psychologist and relationship counselor. Grieving will help you feel safe to take on another risk, and “actually expands one’s capacity to love,” she says.

Healing a broken heart

If you have not sought bereavement support, do that now. You may try to handle grief on your own, but expert guidance from your employee assistance program, hospice program, or a support group can help you find your way through one of life’s most difficult passages.

“Fixing a broken heart is like fixing a flat tire,” says Aurora Winter, a widow and author of a book on bereavement. “You could change the tire yourself, but why not call a towing service? Some people don’t honor themselves enough to get the help they need.”

Dealing with guilt

Psychologists warn that you may experience some guilt as you learn to open your heart to someone new. Negative feelings should pass, however, because—if you had a loving relationship—you’ll know your former partner would want you to be happy again.

Be realistic about your marriage

Cherish your memories, but try to be as realistic as you can about your marriage. Think about what it was, and what it was not. Every relationship has rough spots. Before you can move on, you need to come to terms with both the negative and positive aspects of your marriage.

“If you put that relationship on a pedestal—because that’s what happens in a memory—you make it very hard for a new person to live up to your expectations,” notes Robin Goodman, a clinical psychologist and art therapist. “It’s very difficult for a new person in your life to compete with a memory.”

Address first things first

Based on her own experience, Aurora Winter offers three tips for those who have lost partners:

1. Learn to express your feelings.
2. Try to accept your situation, as it is. Life and death are always unfair, but there’s little you can do about it. If you dwell on things you cannot control, you may have difficulty getting on with your life, says Winter.
3. Forgive everybody everything, including yourself.

If you can do at least one of the above, you may be ready for a new relationship, Winter says.

But, before you begin to socialize, take care of practical matters. For example, have your own will or estate plan updated, advises financial consultant Christine D. Moriarty. As much as you can, you want to rebuild your sense of strength and comfort.

Dating tips

Dating, at any age, can be scary and awkward, but it is even harder after a long marriage. Here are a few tips:

• Don’t look for love in places you wouldn’t want a mate to frequent. Expand your horizons. Take a class or join a club. Let your friends know you are open to a social life. Join groups linked to your hobbies, intellectual interests, religious beliefs, favorite sports, or whatever else is important to you.
• Be patient. A widowed partner who comes from a mutually satisfying relationship tends to take longer to find love. That person knows what it takes to sustain fulfillment and growth, according to Wish.
• Take your time. Wish says a person who was not happy in his previous relationship tends to date and look for love more quickly.
• Get to know a person socially before you decide to spend time alone.

Avoid these dating traps

• Don’t get too self-conscious. Don’t worry about your weight or your balding head. Just look your best, and then forget about it.
• Don’t share much private information unless you’re willing to give up control of your life. Don’t give out passwords or keys, for example.
• Don’t be afraid of silence. Get to know each other in a relaxed way.
• Don’t assume your friend is dating you exclusively, unless you’ve agreed to an exclusive relationship.
• Don’t make sex the objective of your dates. No need to put added pressure on either of you. If and when sex is right, it will happen, says Tessina.
• “Don’t make any decisions you can’t undo with ease,” suggests Moriarty.
• Don’t date beyond your budget. And, don’t lend any money to someone you’re dating, Wish says. Never tie yourself to someone financially until you’re ready to commit. If you think you are ready, get to know that person financially. Observe how she spends or saves money.

Parents who date

Widowed parents have additional considerations. Here are a few: 

• Know that you have your needs and your children have their own. Tell your children you will never interfere with their memory of the deceased parent.
• Don’t bring someone home to meet your children until you are ready to commit. Let them get accustomed to the idea of you having a relationship, out of their sight and space.
• Any new companion must learn how to integrate into your family and adjust to the situation. Don’t expect that adjustment to happen overnight.
• Children, especially grown ones, might have difficulty “changing emotional gears,” according to Wish. Give them time.
• Take care of your children’s financial needs. Wills and trusts should be set up before you’re in a new relationship so you can lay it out without added emotional stress.

By Paula Hartman Cohen

©2010-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: Robin F. Goodman, PhD, ATR-BC, licensed clinical psychologist and art therapist, New York, NY; Christine D Moriarty, CFP, financial educator, Bristol. VT; Tina B. Tessina, PhD, licensed psychotherapist, author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, relationship advisor at http://www.drromance.typepad.com/dr_romance_blog/, Los Angeles, CA; Aurora Winter, founder of Grief Coach Academy, author of From Heartbreak to Happiness: An Intimate Diary of Healing, Los Angeles, CA; LeslieBeth Wish, EdD, MSS, psychologist and social worker, Sarasota, FL

Sex without consent is rape, a serious crime that inflicts harm on both the victim and the perpetrator.

What is consent?

Consensual sex means both partners agree to it. It’s also important to know:

• Consent must be given, it cannot be assumed.
• Consent to one thing, like kissing, does not mean there is permission to go further.
• Consent to sex in the past does not mean you have agreed to have sex with that person another time.
• If the person you are with doesn’t say “no,” don’t assume that means “yes.”

When consent isn’t clear

So, what should you do when, in the heat of the moment, you’re not sure whether to go forward?

• Trust your instincts. If you’re uncomfortable, say so.
• If your partner seems uncomfortable or asks you to stop, then stop. Sexual excitement does not justify forced sex. Nor does it justify pleading or nagging someone to have sex.
• Being under the influence of alcohol or other drugs is a huge red flag. It’s difficult to give or receive consent when you’re drunk or high.
• Be alert to nonverbal cues. These include pushing you away, not responding to your touch and turning away.
• Be alert to verbal signals, such as your partner saying, “Let’s just cuddle,” or “I’m tired.”

Be certain

Open communication is the only way to be certain that it’s OK to have sex. Ask:

• Are you comfortable?
• Do you want to stop?
• Do you want to slow down?
• Are you OK if we go further?

Avoid unwanted sexual situations

Here are some ways to stay away from potentially dangerous situations:

• Make a deal with friends to look out for each other at parties and elsewhere.
• Be an active bystander. If you see that someone who has had too much to drink is becoming intimate with another person, step in.
• If you’re under the influence of alcohol or drugs, do not try to get intimate with anyone. Most incidents of sexual assault involve alcohol.

Try not to assume that you and your partner want the same thing. Talk openly about how you are feeling at the moment and ask your partner what he or she wants. And always, think before you act.

Source: Military OneSource

Summary

• Do not respond to requests for money for any reason.
• Do not give out detailed personal information.
• Be truthful when representing yourself.

Online dating is more popular than ever. With the emergence of mobile dating apps it is also easier than ever. You can find dating apps and sites for people with common interests. However, you may also find people on these sites and apps who have no interest in finding love.

Wham! Bam! You’ve been scammed!

It is sad but true. There are people on online dating sites who will tug at your heartstrings just to get to your purse strings. Before you fall for a scammer, know some of the warning signs:

• You are asked to leave the site right away and switch to more personal ways of communicating
• The person claims to be in love with you almost from the start
• The person claims to be working or traveling overseas
• The person falls into a hardship and needs your help
• You are asked to wire money, open a bank account, or make an online purchase for the person

Anyone who makes a request for money on these sites is most likely trying to scam you. Do not respond to requests for money for any reason. Block the person and report him if you feel it is warranted.

Other online dating dangers

Getting ripped off is not the only potential danger of online dating. There is also the threat of harassment or physical harm. Online dating gives you the chance to meet many new people. Relationships can sometimes begin and progress very quickly. While most of the people you meet online will be completely harmless, there are always exceptions.

For this reason, do not give out detailed personal information in your dating profile or in initial conversations. This includes your address, email, or phone number. Make sure this information is not available on other social media sites either.

Take things slowly and get to know the person online before making phone contact. Do not agree to meet with anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable or pressured. If you do decide to meet in person, make sure it is in a public place. Let someone else know where you are going. Drive separately or have a friend drive you and pick you up. Do not let the person you are meeting pick you up or take you home.

Before you meet anyone, you may want to download a safety app that allows you to instantly contact a close friend in an emergency. You can send them a preset alert to call you or to get you. The app is tied to GPS so they will know your exact location.

Protect your heart

Just like with conventional dating, online dating can lead to a broken heart. There is no real protection against that. Any relationship carries emotional risk. There are a few steps you can take to improve your overall online dating experience, however.

Try to find a dating site or app that is geared toward your interests. Many are grouped by race, religion, or age preferences. Some are tailored to specific locations, occupations, or hobbies.

Be truthful when representing yourself. Do not lie about your size or age or use a very old photo of yourself. Do not embellish facts about your career or education to try to impress people. Follow the golden rule: Treat others the same way you want to be treated; with honesty and respect.

By Kevin Rizzo

©2016-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

• Don’t plan too many activities.
• Include private time for each of you.
• Talk to each other about your feelings.

After years of focusing on careers, children and other priorities, many partners feel mixed emotions when faced with an opportunity to get away together. Yet research shows how important ongoing intimacy (caring, closeness, sexual relationship and emotional nurturance) is to a relationship. Periodic romantic getaways are one way to help you and your partner stay connected.

Time for each other

What is getting away together really about? Sure, it is to have fun, relax and take a well-needed break from routines. But more importantly, it is time to reconnect with your partner. Avoid overloading your trip itinerary with activities. Leave plenty of unstructured time to be alone together. Enjoying each other’s company without expectations will make it easier for you to renew intimacy and communication.

Time for yourself

If possible, plan some private time for yourself. Doing something you enjoy, such as reading a book, going for a jog or taking a bubble bath, is essential to your personal well-being and can enhance your ability to love and be loved.

Reconnecting through communication

Some couples have no problem opening up to each other once they are removed from the hectic pace and constant demands of daily life. Others need to ease into communication. Try smiling at each other, mirroring each other’s body position and frequently touching each other in a nonsexual way to increase feelings of intimacy.

When you feel like talking, strive for conversation that provides insight into each other’s feelings and emotions. Here are some ideas:

• What is your favorite memory about our relationship?
• What initially attracted you to me? What attracts you now?
• If you could take a year off and do anything you want, what would you do?
• If you could plan a month-long vacation for us (money is no object), where would we go and what would we do?
• If you could have just one wish granted, what would it be?
• How has your definition of love changed over time and with our relationship?
• How do I help you cope with the struggles and challenges in your life?

When your budget is limited

Do not wait until you can afford your dream vacation to take a romantic getaway. You really do not even need to leave town. Stay overnight at a local bed and breakfast or hotel and then explore where you live as if you are tourists. Although ideally you want to remove yourself from your day-to-day environment, you can even “get away” in your own home. Arrange for your children to spend the night elsewhere. Let the answering machine record all phone messages. With a little imagination and creativity, you and your partner can create the fantasy vacation of your dreams.

By Christine P. Martin

©2000-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

You never thought it would happen to you. The one who swept you off your feet won’t even sweep out the garage anymore. The lover of your dreams snores like a hog with a head cold. The fling has been flung.

Lack of communication, fatigue, stress, and unspoken resentment can zap the zip out of any couple. It’s alarming, if not downright frightening. You may be lying awake at night, wondering if you made the right decision, maybe even wondering if it’s time to end your relationship.

Two evils extinguish the flame of a relationship:

• Getting stuck in a rut
• Taking your partner for granted

Rekindling the flame is simple:

• Plan spontaneity.
• Treasure your partner.

Plan to be spontaneous.

Eliminating the first evil is even easier than you think—just do something you haven’t done before. There are lots of ways to surprise and delight your mate. What you dream up is limited only by your imagination, resources, and inclinations.

Some suggestions to get you started

• Write a love note and leave it in a jacket pocket or on a windshield, or send it as an e-mail.
• Touch your partner more than usual when you talk, at dinner, or when you’re walking. It sends a loving message.
• Rent the movie you refused to go with your mate to see in the theater because it was too sappy (or violent, or foreign, or long).
• Surprise your partner with new, racy undergarments.
• Pick a complicated recipe from a favorite cookbook and divide the tasks to prepare it.
• Create an amorous treasure hunt. Put notes at each stop giving clues to the next location.

The second evil, taking your partner for granted, may be a little more difficult to solve. A lot of people avoid addressing this one because it involves admitting that they took their partner for granted in the first place. The trick to this one is remembering to communicate.

For starters, make sure your mate’s receiving the love signals you’re sending. When one partner feels unappreciated, it’s usually because you’re operating on different frequencies. A husband who values an attractive home thinks that mowing the lawn and raking the leaves shows his wife that he loves her. But if his wife values family time, then she may end up thinking that he’s doing all this yard work just to escape the kids. If they don’t communicate with each other, this misunderstanding can lead to serious problems.

Treat your partner as well as you did when you first fell in love. Pay attention, apologize when you make a mistake, and compliment your partner. Tell him or her what you found so attractive then, and why you still do now.

Rekindle the flame.

After you’ve eliminated the two evils of routine and lack of appreciation, it’s time to bring back the love. If you want to rekindle the flame, start wooing your beloved again.

• Schedule dates. They don’t have to be complicated, expensive, or even at night. Take a walk, go to the gym together, or meet for lunch during the workweek.
• Celebrate anniversaries. Your first date, your first kiss, the day you met each other and your heart flipped. The day you knew it would be forever.
• Plan romantic getaways. Find a bed and breakfast or inn that’s no more than a couple of hours’ drive from your home. Prepare some surprises, such as a room with a working fireplace, a horseback-riding lesson, or tickets to a concert.
• Plan romantic weekends at home. Drop the kids at a friend’s house, hire a maid service to clean your place, and go shopping: flowers, favorite foods, candles, wine, bath and massage products. Play your favorite mood music.
• Rent a movie. Sure, you could go out to the movies, but isn’t it nicer to be home in the arms of your beloved when it ends?

A Few More Relationship Revival TipsRemember, “love” is a verb.

You know better than anyone what you can do to make your partner feel loved and cherished. Never stop courting, dating, and flirting with your partner.

Keep talking.

The best way to dissolve anger, frustration, and resentment is through communication. Communicating came naturally when you were dating, before you were officially a couple. You talked, discussed, maybe argued, but always with a genuine interest in getting to know each other. What about now? You can rebuild your relationship by one affectionate, heartfelt word at a time. Be a good listener, too, and make eye contact.

Cultivate a faulty memory.

People are always aware of their partner’s flaws and failings. Feel free to recognize them, then let them go. Make every effort to overlook your mate’s blunders and inadequacies. Instead, concentrate on what’s pleasurable and what succeeds in the life you share with your beloved. Choose to have a memory like a steel trap about your anniversary, your partner’s birthday, and your partner’s favorite things.

Do something unromantic.

Delight your partner by running the errands one morning, doing one of his or her weekly chores, or walking the dog in the morning so he or she can sleep late. This kind of thoughtfulness may seem unrelated to passion, but it’s not. Think of it as long-term foreplay because it will put you both in good moods and make you more likely to feel amorous later on.

By L. Schinhofen

©2008-2019 Workplace Options

So, you’re planning a first date. It’s exciting and scary at the same time. Maybe you connected with someone online or through another type of dating service. You may have met this person through a friend or a family member. Or possibly it’s a blind date. No matter how you connected, there’s already plenty of pressure surrounding almost any first date. This article provides ideas on how to plan a great first date while keeping the butterflies to a minimum. Although, a few butterflies in the stomach may be a good thing.

Low-Stress Options

A Little Light Lunch

You may have heard of dating services that set people up to meet for lunch in order to lower the pressure of a first date. It’s a great idea that you can try on your own. If your and your date’s workplaces are close enough, you can plan for a weekday lunch date. Or you can meet for brunch during the weekend.

This type of first date has a few good points going for it. First, you meet in a public place (always a safe and smart move for a first date). Next, you have a defined window of time allotted for lunch that allows—or requires, if it is a workday—you to end the date after a brief period of time without hurting the other person’s feelings. Even if the date goes really well, it can be less stressful to keep a first date brief. If it feels as if the date ended too soon, great—call and see if date number two is in the works. Finally, a lunch date tends to be a bit more informal than a dinner date.

Common Interests

Maybe you are both interested in music or art. Why not plan to meet at a museum, art gallery, jazz club, or one of those music shows that many cities sponsor on a late Friday afternoon? This allows you to connect through something you both enjoy. Even if the date doesn’t end with hearts in your eyes, you may have made a new friend at the very least. If you both like a certain sport, go see a game together. You’ll get early insight into whether or not you can stand this person’s inclination to wear his or her favorite team’s colors, or if “March Madness” is just too much for you. Sharing an experience will provide you both with richer insights into each other, something that can’t be accomplished as well when just sitting in front of a movie screen.

The More the Merrier

Group dates sound so much like junior high school. Well, hold on a minute. A more grown-up variation of that youthful idea may be a dinner with some of your friends; then ask the person you’re interested in to join you. If you already have mutual friends in common, this is even better. This way you can see how the person interacts with others, and you don’t have the pressure of keeping the conversation flowing. Even if sparks don’t fly, you still had a good meal (it is hoped) with good company. If the flame is lit, the two of you can arrange to linger over dessert without your entourage.

Safety First No Dark Alleys

While this may be obvious, it really is a good idea to meet in a public place for a first date. You don’t have to meet in the lobby of the police department, but while the chances are good that your date is not dangerous, why risk it? Whether you are a man or a woman, it is just best to meet new people within the safety of the public eye. Now, if you already know your date (say she’s your best friend’s sister and you’ve known her for 10 years), that may be a different story, but always consider your safety first.

No Need to Belly Up to the Bar

A glass of wine may be acceptable, but watch your alcohol intake. First of all, it’s a safety issue you do not want your awareness or judgment compromised. Also, a sloppy drunk may not leave the best impression for a second date. You don’t have to be a teetotaler; just use your common sense.

Chill out.

It is just a date. It is supposed to be fun. You may end up with the love of your life or with a funny story to tell your friends. However it goes, relax, enjoy yourself, and see what happens. Keep the doors to your mind and your heart open. When the right person walks in, you may just be pleasantly surprised.

By B. Sekora

©2009-2019 Workplace Options

Summary

• Give yourself an opportunity to vent and then start thinking about moving on.
• Get busy.
• Avoid the rebound.

Breaking up may be hard to do, but getting over it can be even harder. When an intimate or long-term relationship ends, you might feel a combination of sadness, anger, and loneliness.

Right after the breakup, give yourself an opportunity to vent. Cry, shout, spend a self-indulgent weekend wallowing in memories and then start thinking about moving on.

A breakup is a significant loss and experts concur that a mourning period is important. But take heart—you won’t be miserable forever. Here are some strategies for surviving the loss:

• Get a “breakup buddy.” Find a close friend or relative (preferably someone with lots of patience) willing to hold your hand during the first month. If you feel compelled to call or text your ex, call your breakup buddy instead. You’ll have a prearranged shoulder to cry on and someone willing to listen. If you’re reluctant to share your sadness with others, remember that talking will help you move on. Ignoring painful feelings won’t make them go away.
• Pamper yourself. Now’s a great time to take special care of yourself. Get a massage. Buy an armful of books and indulge in long, hot baths. Eat great meals. You’ll be sending a message to yourself (and everyone else) that you deserve to be treated well.
• Think about someone else. Immediately after a breakup, you should focus on your needs and your feelings. As the days pass, however, give some thought to other people’s problems. Volunteering at a local shelter, joining a literacy project or working with children are all meaningful activities that you won’t associate with your ex.  Studies show that volunteer work often alleviates depression, while sharing your talents with a worthy cause provides an instant self-esteem boost.
• Avoid the rebound. You may be tempted to jump back into the dating pool—immediately. Socializing with friends is important, but don’t rush into another romantic relationship. If you haven’t healed from the breakup, you’ll find yourself discussing it endlessly with your date or making constant comparisons between the old love and the new.
• Get busy. Now’s a great time to focus on other relationships, interests and priorities. Sign up for tennis lessons or take an art class. Make an effort to get in touch with that long-lost college roommate or friends who’ve drifted away. Plan to host a family holiday or special event. Lavish time on the people and activities you love most.

If you feel stuck in your grief, consider talking to a professional counselor. Healing takes time, but every broken heart mends. Reach out to family and friends, take care of yourself and start to enjoy your independence.

By Lauren Greenwood de Beer

©2001-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

In a healthy relationship:

• Both people feel respected, supported and valued
• Decisions are made together
• Both people have friends and interests outside of the relationship

You can help your teen build strong, respectful relationships. Start by teaching your son or daughter about healthy relationships.

Unfortunately, many teens have relationships that are unhealthy. About one in 10 teens report being physically abused by a boyfriend or girlfriend in the last year.

You can help your kids:

• Develop skills for healthy and safe relationships
• Set expectations for how they want to be treated
• Recognize when a relationship doesn’t feel good

Talking with your teen is a way to show you are available to listen and answer questions.

When should I start talking with my child about relationships?

It’s never too early to teach your child about healthy relationships. You’ve probably been doing it all along. When you taught your child to say “please” and “thank you” as a toddler, you were teaching respect and kindness.

Your own relationships also teach your kids how to treat others. When you treat your kids, partner and friends in healthy, supportive ways, your kids learn from your choices.

Kids learn from unhealthy experiences, too. When they experience violence at home or in the community, kids are more likely to be in unhealthy relationships later on.

When should I start talking about dating?

The best time to start talking about healthy dating relationships is before your child starts dating. Start conversations about what to look for in a romantic partner. For example, you could ask your child:

• How do you want to be treated?
• How do you want to feel about yourself when you are with that person?

What makes a relationship healthy?

In a healthy relationship:

• Both people feel respected, supported and valued.
• Decisions are made together.
• Both people have friends and interests outside of the relationship.
• Disagreements are settled with open and honest communication.
• There are more good times than bad.

What makes a relationship unhealthy?

In an unhealthy relationship:

• One person tries to change the other.
• One person makes most or all of the decisions.
• One or both people drop friends and interests outside of the relationship.
• One person yells, threatens, hits, or throws things during arguments.
• One person makes fun of the other’s opinions or interests.
• One person keeps track of the other all the time by calling, texting, or checking in with friends.
• There are more bad times than good.

People in unhealthy relationships may have many excuses to try to explain away the hurtful parts of the relationship. If you see any of these signs, talk to your teen.

What is dating violence?

Dating violence is when one person in a romantic relationship is abusive to the other person. This includes:

• Stalking
• Emotional, physical, or sexual abuse

Abuse can happen in person, online, or with other technology (like cell phones). And it can happen in any relationship, whether it’s an opposite-sex (straight) or same-sex (gay) relationship.

Both boys and girls can be unhealthy or unsafe in a relationship. Sometimes, both partners act in unhealthy or unsafe ways. It’s important to talk to all kids about how to have respectful, healthy relationships.

Who is at risk for dating violence?

Dating violence can happen to anyone. Teens may be more at risk of being in unhealthy relationships if they:

• Use alcohol or drugs
• Are depressed
• Have friends who are violent
• Have trouble controlling their anger
• Struggle with learning in school
• Have sex with more than one person
• Have experienced violence at home or in the community

What are the warning signs of dating violence?

It’s common for teens to have mood swings or try out different behaviors. But sudden changes in your teen’s attitude or behavior could mean that something more serious is going on. If you are worried, talk to your teen to find out more.

Watch for signs that your teen’s partner may be violent

If your teen is in a relationship with someone who uses violence, your teen may:

• Avoid friends, family and school activities
• Make excuses for a partner’s behavior
• Look uncomfortable or fearful around a partner
• Lose interest in favorite activities
• Get lower grades in school
• Have unexplained injuries, like bruises or scratches

Watch for signs that your teen may be violent

Teens who use physical, emotional, or sexual violence to control their partners need help to stop. Start a conversation if your teen:

• Is jealous and possessive
• Blames other people for anything that goes wrong
• Damages or ruins a partner’s things
• Wants to control someone else’s decisions
• Constantly texts or calls a partner
• Posts embarrassing information about a partner on websites (including sexual information or pictures)

Help your teen stay healthy

Dating violence can have long-term effects for both partners—even after the relationship ends. By helping your teen develop the skills for healthy relationships, you can also help prevent the long-term effects of dating violence.

Someone who has experienced dating violence may struggle with:

• Depression
• Low self-confidence
• Eating disorders
• Substance or alcohol use disorders
• Other violent relationships

A partner who has been violent may experience:

• Loss of respect from others
• Suspension or expulsion from school
• Loneliness
• Trouble with the law

Watch for signs of dating violence and help your teen stay healthy now and in the future.

Source: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services National Health Information Center, http://healthfinder.gov/HealthTopics/Category/parenting/healthy-communication-and-relationships/talk-with-your-teen-about-healthy-relationships

Summary

• Humor can be a gauge to the health of a relationship.
• The ability to enjoy teasing humor shows a strong bond.
• Hostile humor means that underlying issues need to be addressed.

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”

You may groan upon hearing this—one of the oldest jokes in the world. Not another chicken joke.

But bear with the joke teller, because they are simply trying to connect by getting you to laugh or smile.

Humor is an effective tool to bring people together. When your primary relationships include healthy humor, it shows that you have a healthy relationship. Being able to laugh together instills the sense of “team,” something that you need when times are not so funny.

For better or worse

Yet it’s not as simple as it seems. Humor can be a bonding experience, but if used in the wrong context, it can produce feelings of hurt or anger.

Such humor, in fact, is what can be called “hostile” humor. This type of humor is used as a put-down, is often sarcastic, and may be delivered in the spirit of “teaching someone a lesson.”

Playful, friendly humor is the key to building bridges.

The why of humor

Humor makes us feel good. Laughter—one common response to humor—changes us physically. Humor changes us mentally as well. It promotes a more upbeat outlook and can help to reduce stress.

Another important aspect of humor is that it gets us to view a situation from a different—even funny—angle. It helps us to put life’s problems in balance.

The when of humor

In many relationships, it’s common to share playful banter. If your humor tends to be more on the hostile side, consider this: It likely won’t change unless the underlying, unspoken issues are addressed. Take note of hostile humor and face the situation that’s being avoided.

As a way to offer support to your spouse or partner, know that humor can be useful to someone who is experiencing anxiety or stress. Be sure that you know your partner and the situation well enough, though, to gauge whether they are ready to lighten up.

Learning humor

You may have been the class clown, or the one who laughs at everyone else’s jokes. But if you feel you have no sense of humor at all, it’s not too late. While it may be hard to learn to be a comedian, there’s more to lightening up than telling jokes.

Try these tips to start learning how to see humor in everyday life:

• Sign up for joke lists on the internet, such as a “joke a day” cartoon.
• Watch a sitcom or funny movie.
• Look to the world around you and see something different.
• Learn one or two good jokes, even one-liners. Even a “chicken crossing the road joke,” which you could learn quickly. Practice it, and keep it in your pocket. Then invite someone to share a laugh with you.

By Judy Galliher

©2009-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health

Source: The American Psychological Association, The Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor

Summary

• Know your company’s policy.
• Do not date a subordinate or your boss.
• Set boundaries between your work and personal lives.

Put a group of adults into a confined space. Mix in shared experiences, common interests, and mutual goals. Add a pinch of physical and emotional attraction. Give it some time to develop. Voila! You have a surefire recipe for workplace romance.

Research shows that more than 40 percent of single employees become romantically involved with someone at work over the course of their careers. Experts say that the workplace is the main place for married people to meet affair partners and carry out extramarital liaisons.

Office romances will inevitably occur. Considering the amount of time and energy people invest at work, it is natural to develop close attachments with co-workers. Some of those attachments lead to romantic involvement. 

Not always a good idea

While workplace romances are common, not everyone agrees they’re a good idea. Experts warn that office romances can be risky. Dating a co-worker can spell havoc—both emotionally and professionally.

Office affairs have a direct impact on workplace functioning. A series of office romances can give the participants bad reputations. Office romances typically:

• Take time away from the normal work routine
• Increase co-workers’ workloads
• Elevate office gossip and morale problems
• Reduce productivity
• Cause awkward situations when the romance ends
• Increase claims of favoritism, discrimination, sexual harassment and retaliation

If you do get involved

Experts recommend that individuals who are thinking about a workplace romance proceed with caution.  While it’s best to keep personal and work lives separate, if you’re interested in a co-worker, there are ways to minimize possible damage to your career:

• Never date a subordinate or your boss. Sexual harassment lawsuits can ensue.
• Think about the consequences. Consider how a break-up would affect your career and ability to work with your ex.
• Know your company’s policies. Many companies have nonfraternization policies.
• Keep office interactions on a professional level. Never engage in public displays of affection, exchange provocative voicemails or emails, or openly discuss your intimate relationship.
• Talk it out. Discuss how you will keep your personal relationship from undermining your professional goals.

The key to keeping professionalism while having an office romance is to manage the boundaries between your work and personal lives. It can be a high-stakes game, so make the decision to cross over the line from friendship into romance carefully.

By Karen S. Dickason, L.C.S.W., C.E.A.P.

©2007-2019 Carelon Behavioral Health

Summary

Give each phase of life—family, education, and career—plenty of time.

Single young adults often struggle to find time for a serious relationship. They are already juggling a career, financial responsibilities, hobbies, household chores, and socializing. If you’re struggling to find a way to live comfortably and find love, the tips below may help you discover changes you can make in your routine—or learn to accept your priorities as they are.

Getting a (love) life

Unfortunately, there is no silver bullet when it comes to balancing a serious relationship with work and other interests. You may find that making small changes can help you balance the love of your life with the rest of your life. The trick is to find a strategy that works for you. Consider some ideas recommended by business writers who have examined the issue:

• Remember that “balance” is not likely to be a fixed condition that you can maintain as a sort of zen state. Rather, learn how to readdress and shift priorities as circumstances change. 
• Focus on structuring your work day more effectively. If spending time with your significant other or on a hobby is crucial, maximize your time at work so you can get home more easily. 
• Find a company that promotes a healthy working environment, emphasizing flexible working arrangements, wellness programs, and training and development. Take advantage of those initiatives. 
• Use a calendar religiously. Planning tasks and engagements (including social events) for your coming week can help you visualize your time. 
• Cultivate other old-fashioned office skills—such as filing things you don’t need currently and organizing—to help you get ahead. 
• If you can afford it, pay someone to help you with tasks that you don’t have to be personally involved in. 
• Don’t feel obligated to take on all the tasks, projects, and activities that are thrown your way. Learn to say no. 
• Similarly, don’t feel pressured to keep in touch with everyone at all times. Limit time spent checking email, voice mail, cell phones and the internet. Time spent with your loved one will feel more worthwhile if you’re not constantly interrupted. 
• Listen to and cooperate with your significant other, and foster mutual respect for your respective time obligations. 
• Unplug whenever possible. Instead of logging screen time, go for a walk with your loved one, read a book together about a shared interest, or just talk.  
• Plan regular dates with your significant other, even if they just involve trying a new recipe or watching a movie. Looking forward to those dates also can help motivate you to accomplish other tasks.  

You may also choose to look at the issue from a different point of view: embracing the “imbalance” in your life and focusing on the most urgent priority at a given point, even if it means your loved ones don’t receive as much attention as you’d like all the time.

By Kristen Knight

©2006-2021 Carelon Behavioral Health